Finally the Rain

It's raining. It finally cooled down. This happened about a couple of hours ago. Before that it was the muggiest hell in here it had been in a while. I'm excited. Maybe I can really sleep tonight.

I also turned one of my fans down, so maybe I can hear people when they speak. Cooler weather has so many advantages. 

Humidity

It's in the 70s right now and it was most of the day. However, it's also horribly awful because the humidity is very high. 

I'm kind of marginally functioning right now. I've been trying my best to work on my video, but it's just awful and nasty and I really don't want to do much of anything. Bah.

At least it's almost August. Maybe it will get hot enough to burn off the humidity. Hopefully.

Tired and Too Much

I don't hate the new Blogger format. It's fine. I'm just not that happy about it because it's yet another change I'm having to process right now. So yeah, I'm not just thrilled about it.

I'm tired, both in my body and just in my being. It's difficult to do anything creative right now. Hell, it's difficult to even focus. I need to sleep. I need revival. I need a lot of stuff. 

So of course I didn't get my video finished today. I put away my clothes. That was about it. 

Story Blocking

Okay, I may not be a successful Youtuber, but I do believe I am a better one than I started out being. As much as summer can suck and even though I've been sick and stressed out, I'm still managing to at least put out a video every 8 days or so. 

Now I will admit I almost didn't even start one for this week. I've been ill and depressed as hell and worried about some stuff. But last night I started my recording and everything just fell into place. Now I just need to do some extra shots and work on the audio.

The blocking part is fun. It's really helping me in terms of the prospect of writing a novel. When I finally get around to that, I'll be a little bit more aware of how to pace myself. 

The Will

I tried to chat with my nephew on Steam tonight and he couldn't hear me. It wasn't until later that it occurred to me that it might be because my mic settings were off due to a new sound card. I checked and they are. The sound card is trying to be where my audio input comes from. Which sucks, because my mic is a USB mic and the sound card doesn't have a USB port. I know it can be fixed and it's probably an easy fix.

The thing is, it's muggy. I'm tired. I'm worn out. I'm annoyed. And right now, I just don't have the will to deal with this. Or anything. Honestly, nothing at all.

I feel like the general stuff about my life that grinds me down has just been driven deeper into that grinding machine with the Covid/stupidity/heat/tyranny/all of it that's also going on. Right now, I just feel like it's all too much.

Tomorrow I'll fix my mic. Right now, I'm just going to listen to 80s music and try to not dread going to my hot bedroom to try and sleep in my hot bed.

Goodnight, Lady

One of my favorite drag queens/trans women, Lady Red Couture, has passed. Even though she was only 43, she leaves behind a rich legacy of amazing shows, soulful music, good humor, and friendship. She will be deeply, deeply missed.

I first encountered Lady Red on Hey Qween where she was Jonny McGovern's cohost and muse. In real life, she was his best friend.

I think that part hurts the most. As someone who thrives in the banter/worldbuilding/love of best friendship, I can't even imagine what this is doing to Jonny. It's always been very clear that Lady Red was his favorite person in the whole wide world.....and now that person is gone.

I owe Lady Red a debt. When my cats died, one of the things I did to help myself grieve and process was to binge-watch Hey Qween. Lady Red helped me keep going at that very dark moment in my life. I will always be grateful to her and Jonny for that.

Rest well, Mother Couture. I hope your next journey is full of beauty, wit, and delicious meals. Love you.

Summer is Trying to Kill Me

Because I've not been getting a lot of sleep lately (because it's been too hot to try and go to my room until around 3), I've been functioning a state of near exhaustion for a while now. Last night it hit a breaking point.

Sometimes when I'm sick to my stomach, I'll also have a fever in my stomach and my legs. It's insanely hot and makes me a little dizzy. So last night, I had this fever, dizziness, plus the exhaustion of the lack of sleep. I tried to go to bed at around 10:30. It seems that logically, this would have solved my problems.

NOPE!

It wasn't too bad at first. The fever kept me from sweating and allowed the fans to actually feel cooler against my skin. But the fever broke around one. Past that, I was just a hot, sweaty mess. I would sleep for maybe an hour before the heat would wake me back up. And then, of course, my body would decide I had to go pee again. Uggghhhhhh.

I think I didn't sleep any more than I usually do. I maybe dozed some more? I don't feel AS awful this morning but last night was seriously miserable.

Deconstructing Life

Someone posted on FB today about how often what mental health therapists do is to help you find workarounds for your issues. The example they used was that if you feel too overwhelmed to make a sandwich, instead of not eating, just eat the components of the sandwich. Eat some lunch meat and some cheese. Maybe a piece of bread or a cracker. That way you don't have to let what is overwhelming you get in the way of maintaining a basic existence.

One of the big issues with mental health problems is that you can get very overwhelmed by steps. Even things that seem easy, almost automatic to normal-typical/functioning minds can be daunting to people with disabilities.

For example, going outside is daunting to me. In the last several years, I've had some falls while trying to navigate getting myself inside, falls that caused lasting damage.

So anytime I'm trying to get to the car (or someone else's car), have some pretty serious anxiety. If I let it, it could freeze me.

What I've done to try to combat this is do my best to ease all the steps around getting outside. My keys/purse/phone/shoes always stay in the same place. I mentally coach myself from one spot to the next.

I stop to sit before going outside, both to regain energy and to steady my growing nerves. I take some deep breaths, say a little prayer, then do my best to make it to the car.

And in this way, yes, it seems like I've made something most people take for granted into an overly complicated thing. I haven't though. I've created a gameplan to keep myself from freezing or going into a panic attack. I've taken steps to keep myself from complete agoraphobia. So far, it's working.

If your mental health is preventing you from doing some stuff you know you NEED to do, see how maybe you can either ease some steps of it or just simplify the process completely. It may help. 

Conflicting Levels of Need

I was watching a video about a guy who was talking about how he and his deaf friend watch movies together. His friend needs the captions on, but he, personally, has ADHD and can't make himself NOT focus on the captions, which often ruins scenes for him because he is reading instead of watching. It makes the movies difficult for him, but he said it was okay because he wanted to spend time with his friend and he wanted his friend to enjoy the movie. Also, while he can function and watch the movie with just a little inconvenience, his friend couldn't understand the movie at all without the captions.

A lot of the time, people with physical/mental/whathaveyou needs are drawn to each other. Often it's because this is where they can find the most acceptance. However, within these friendships, conflict can happen due to how needs play out, as in the given situation above.

I think it's important for us (yes, I include me), to always be mindful of the needs of those around us. If you're the person who can maybe give a little in the given situation, you should do so. I mean, don't let people take advantage of you, but keep in mind that sometimes one need is greater than the other.

Also, as the person I talked about above did, think about what is most important to you. In his case, it was enjoying the movies with his friend. Let what is most important motivate you. It will make you more proactive in the situation and less resentful of whatever inconveniences you have to experience.

Pretty Decent Day

I did the audio for the next chapter in my series. I'm in the process of editing it now. Hopefully, if the computer is nice and exports correctly, I'll have it out by tomorrow. It isn't the most complicated video I've done, but it has the best thumbnail so far.

It was cooler today and I never exactly felt stabby. I think maybe it will be cool enough to sleep well tonight. YAY!

Hot Complaining

It was the kind of hot today that just knocks all the energy out of you. I feel half-dead and all I did was fold some clothes. I have a friend who just sat at her computer and wrote for a while and felt like she'd never recover. Summer is only half-way over and it's already killing us.

Speaking of killing us, Walmart's mask policy went into effect today. Hopefully, people won't be dicks about it. Mask it or casket, people.

Complexities

There were some aspects of my new keyboard that weren't working and I didn't understand why. Last night I didn't even bother with it because after all the fuckery of the Windows Update from Hell, I just couldn't bring myself to mess with it.

Today, I literally had to watch a video over installing the software. Mind you, if they gotta do a video about the installation, I'm probably not the only human having issues with it. The issue is, the software comes in several downloads. They all connect to each other in a slightly different way. Four of them have to have serial numbers. Three of the serial numbers involve yet another download to access the place to install them. The you have to connect all this stuff together and make it talk to each other.

Right now, I have about 90% percent of it correct. I still have to redo one install because I didn't quite understand what I needed to do, but I think I have that figured out now, so it will be fine.

THE IMPORTANT THING IS, I can now access all my drum kits and actually hear them (even if the program thinks they're being played on generic windows speakers, but that's because of the update fuckery). Anyway, progress!

I mean, I get that I bought myself a rather complicated machine and it's going to take me some time and effort to get to where I'm comfortable with it. I knew that going in. I just didn't realize how complicated just getting everything to talk to each other would be. Jeez.

The Update that Makes it Worse

Windows Feature update hit my computer today and screwed up my sound. My headphones are working, but they don't seem as loud as they did. I don't know what this is. Hopefully it will be fixed and patched. I need my sound. I use it too much.

Anyway, beyond that, it wasn't a bad day. I ate an amazing peach.

The New Fan

I got my new fan today! It's beautiful. It's also metal, which means it produces a lot more air than the last one did.

Mind you, I will miss my old fan. For now, it's retiring to the back room, but it was never that great of a fan. Then again, I've had it since I was in college. It deserves some retirement time.

The new one was a bitch to put together. It ended up requiring both of us. I think our eyesight is so bad now we're like the three witches who only have one eye between them. Hah!

Mask Time

Walmart announced that people will be required to wear masks if they want to walk into Walmart. People, of course, are melting down about this. Rights or something. Ugggh.

Look, here in Oklahoma, we had over 1000 new cases today. Things are bad. They're not getting better. Unless we start really REALLY seriously trying to stop this, everyone is going to get sick. And I don't want to be sick.

Walmart made the right decision.

Mid July

Okay, we're not quite to mid-July, but we're close. The first part of this month was really frustrating. Plus, it was weirdly rainy, overcast, but also humid and hot. That's just really the worst.

I don't have kids, as you well know, but I really feel for the people who are parents right now. This whole mess of not knowing how or when your children will go to school or if it's even safe? That must be terrifying. I do not envy them. A lot of them are stocking up on supplies and masks just in case. It's better than waiting til the last minute.

The school thing is so complicated. There really is no good solution, mostly because the folks in charge of good solutions would rather worry about the election and how far they can stick their heads up their asses. Seriously though. If they send kids to school, they risk infection. If they don't send kids to school, then someone has to stay home with them and right now, you really can't risk bringing in babysitters or anything. Wow.

I hope that within the next two weeks, some kind of reasonable, logical, and safe plan is in place.

Strange Days

It's strange to read about teachers considering quitting their profession because people don't care if they die.

It's strange to read about a debate where kids may go to school online all year.

It's strange to not have seen my best friend in months. I miss her so much. I miss her kids. I miss her laugh.

It's strange to have a place in my car where we store the disposable masks.

It's strange to discuss birthday plans, months in advance, knowing they will more than likely take place at home.

It's strange to watch the world unraveling around you, and know that it's serious this time.

It's strange to be comforted by the number of people you see wearing masks as they go into the store. More masks every day, ya'll!

It's strange to know that in February, everything seemed normal.

Most of the time when people talk about the world changing, it may have long-lasting effects, but the stuff happening in the NOW seems the same. That isn't the case this time. It may never be the case again.

Weird Storm

Last night we had this crazy storm. When the lightning would hit, the sky would light up and be a vivid aquamarine. It was beautiful and disconcerting all at once.

At my house, we didn't sustain a lot of damage, but many around us did. My brother and his family are still without electricity. That's weird because usually, we're the ones who lose it. Lucky us.

Hopefully the storms are over for a while.

My Middle Name was almost Grace

In probably about the most extreme trick of irony the universe has ever played on me, I tripped over my own cane. That's right! I was walking from the backroom to my chair in the living room and tripped over my cane.

The cane, of course, was fully within my line of sight. Any other time, part of my brain is screaming at me to watch out for it while another part of my brain tells me I'm being paranoid. Clearly, I was not being paranoid.

Now my foot hurts, my knees hurt, and my hand hurts from the way I twisted it trying to catch myself. The foot is the worst part. I basically landed badly backwards in my chair. Thankfully, I didn't break the damned chair.

FML sometimes.

Ominous Day

I called AAA today and they jumped the van. We took it down to the mechanic at this point in the day when it was hellishly humid and disturbingly dark. By the time we got home, it was raining. It cooled things down, but it left us both exhausted.

I still managed to shower, but now I just feel like a muppet with no one controlling me. Meh. Despite that, I still did a video with my nephew and won the game.

It's cool enough here that the cats are wanting affection. That's nice. Most of the time during this month, they just keep their distance.

A Good Day

1. The Umbrella Academy Season 2 trailer dropped. And it was great.

2. The AC was on today, so I'm less stabby.

3. I got a really cool idea for a video.

4. One of my friends has thought of a good way to make money.

5. We watched a good movie tonight. So yes, summer has its nice days. Today was one of them.

More complaining.

Today was another humid day. I wasn't happy. I had a tiny little melt down. Okay, maybe it was more than a tiny one. It was big. I wept.

Look, I know I need to stop feeling sorry for myself, but this is A LOT. I'm just to the point where Summer need to go away.

And I still have to deal with this until September.

Unfun

It was just warm enough to make me feel full of wasps today. It's frustrating because I was trying to be a good friend and a good aunt. I didn't do well. It's left me really exhausted.

We did a video tonight and I didn't talk enough in it. I just didn't have the energy or even the motivation. I wasn't fun. My soul is just kind of empty.

I hope I get more sleep tonight and I hope I feel inspired tomorrow. I need that.

Annual Complaining

Okay, so, they set off a LOT of fireworks last night. It scared my cats. It caused my breathing to get really bad. It caused both of us to have issues with our sinuses.

They're setting them off tonight too. I had to put oxygen on way earlier than I usually do and my eyes are watering so badly I can't even keep both of them open at the same time.

Hamilton

I'd wondered if I would be impressed seeing it, given that I have the soundtrack and the musical only leaves less than a minute off of the album. I shouldn't have worried. This was amazing.

Everyone's performance is so good. I realized a ton of stuff about the show that'd not really considered while just listening to it. You really see how Jefferson uses Burr. You really see how cocky Jefferson is. You feel people's emotions so much more when you can see their faces. It's glorious.

I am so happy they put this out.

Friday Reflections

My headspace was bad today. I'm tired and I had trouble focusing. I accomplished a few things I wanted to accomplish, but other than that, I mostly just zoned. I think a lot of people are going through that.

Summer is hard enough on its own, but add in social unrest, economic uncertainty, politics, people being jerks, lots of dust, and a pandemic and it's just a lot more than I can really handle. My mind shuts down to protect me.

On the plus side, the cat's been really sweet today. I'm so blessed to have her. See, that's the thing I need to remember. Even in the midst of all of this weird struggle and conflama, I have so much to be thankful for.

Reprieve

It cooled down! It was like in the mid 90s but then it rained and cooled. Oh this is so nice. All the wasps in my brain got quiet. I may even be able to sleep tonight.

I need that. I needed this.

The Mud

The Dust makes potent mud. It sticks to things a lot more than one would expect. I've had to clean a lot of it off of stuff. Normally I probably wouldn't bother, but it was just so thick. And in my room, I'd vacuumed just the other day and wanted to enjoy that a little longer.

I was out today so I didn't get to follow this closely, but some people tried to meltdown one of my FB groups. It's a Hamilton Fandom and this group has been nothing but peaceful until just today. I have no idea why this keeps happening. It's like people are trying to suck out all the joy in the world.