Better

I felt better today. It was hot, but I slept well and had a pretty decent morning. That usually sets the tone for the rest of the day for me.

The week is supposed to be very hot. We're making some alternative plans about how to handle that. I hope things go well. I also hope it doesn't get as hot as predicted. 

Sick

I've not felt well for the last several days. This was a pretty hard weekend for me and it's likely to be a hard week as well. 

I'm tired of summer and tired of feeling awful. I wish one or the other or both of them would ligheten up. 

Loss

There is a lot I could say about Sinead's death. It hurts. I'm aching over it. I know her life wasn't easy and I hope she finds ease and comfort now. 

I am very very grateful to this woman. When I was 12, I started listening to her music and it helped to heal and define me in a time when I needed both. I needed her rage, her passion, and her artistry. I fell in love to that album and nursed myself back from heartbreak with it. 

Goodbye. You will be missed. You were loved.

Rough Time

The air quality is very bad right now and it's really causing us issues. I am having to deal with runny, irritated eyes. It's very unfun. 

I should be writing fiction, but I'm just complaining in journals. At least I'm writing something, I suppose. 

Third Day in a Row

The weather was okay again today but it was difficult on me anyway because I was sick for the majority of it. That ended up making things pretty miserable. 

My mother's birthday was today. If she were still alive, she would have been 69. 

Cool Again

It was cool again today. More importantly, it's supposed to be cooler again tonight. This ups my odds for maybe getting some actual sleep. It may still not happen, but hopefully it will. 

I'm still having to make some adjustments to my mask and headgear. I think I have a better position for it now, but we'll see. I really need a night of good sleep. That would make such a difference for me. 

Better

The change in mask size seems to have made a difference. The irritated marks that were always on my nose are disappearing and the marks along the side of my face are clearing up. It's strange to think I've been suffering this whole time because they put me in the wrong sized equipment, but I suppose this kind of thing happens pretty often. 

The last time they really didn't fit me for a mask. They just handed me one and I didn't know enough to realize it wasn't right for me. Now I do. Now I know I should always ask about that kind of thing.

Adjustments

The new CPAP is set at a higher rate than the last two and it feels like a wind tunnel hitting my face. The new mask type seems more delicate than the last one and I'm not sure how I feel about that. It's going to take some time to get used to all the changes.

I set it up last night and it was rather easy to do. It's cute and smaller than the last one. The last one isn't packed away yet but I suppose I'll be doing that in the next few days.

Finally

After three years and another sleep test and travel, I now have a new CPAP. And it's fancy! It warms up during the winter. It has great graphics and an app! 

Most importantly, the woman who did my consultation realized I wasn't in the right size of mask. She said that was why I was getting the damage to my face. With the bigger mask, hopefully that won't happen. 

Rough Day

The meds put me through some rough cycles with my digestive system. Today was a rough day in a series of rough days. I'm tired and over it. I was suffering for the majority of the day and it's been that way for several days now. 

I know this is just part of the side effects I have to deal with. I know that the results are worth it. That doesn't make it any easier on me. Sure I get benefit from it, but it's still hard. 

Hopefully, I'll rest tonight. Another side effect is waking up early. I'm really tired of that one too.

Without Measure

One of the things about my weight loss journey that is unique to this time is that I don't have anyone trying to ruin this for me. 

My mother and my grandmother, as much as they both harped on my weight, were so detrimental to the process. They always managed to discourage me more than encourage me. They weren't alone. One time I'd lost like 30 lbs and stopped completely after some jackass thing my grandfather said to me. 

Anyway, the people in my life now are encouraging. They're helpful. They listen to me and give me good advice about things when I ask for said advice. They're not trying to sabotage what I'm doing or make it some victory lap for them. 

There is no end to have grateful I am for that. 

Recognition

Been on the weight loss journey for a while now. It's finally starting to show to others. That makes me feel good. Sometimes I feel like I'm just deluding myself about what's going on. It's good when other people see proof of it as well. It makes me feel like this isn't some kind of fever dream.  

Hotter Day

Today was hot but it was hot enough that we could turn on the AC and get some relief from the nastiness. We had to go out in it for a while and I was soaked by the time we got back. Still, when we returned it was to AC air, and that made all the difference.

It's off now because we're in the 80s. I wish it wasn't.

I found out some disquieting news today that I need to spend some time thinking about. 

About the Same

It was intensely humid again today and my body was still acting up. I'm uncomfortable in so many ways right now. I'm really trying not to complain about summer but today wasn't a good day for me. 

Tomorrow we have to get some meds and then at some point, I need to make arrangements to pick up my CPAP. Hopefully, that won't turn out to be a problem. 

Worse

The weather was better but everything else was hard today. My body is rebelling against me in every way that it can and my favorite website is under attack. I'm hot and stressed out and miserable. 

Humid

It was sticky and humid today. Our AC doesn't function well when it's in the 80s so we couldn't turn it on. The day was complete misery. 

Threads

So there is a new Twitterlike social media that Meta is doing. I don't think I'll bother joining. I don't keep up with the social media I'm on as it is. I look at FB sometimes and I do love Tumblr, but I don't think I'm on either enough to justify trying to maintain another one. It just won't be happening for me. 

Cool Day

We had storms in the night and it cooled things down for today. We still had fans on, but it was never uncomfortable. The only problem is that we were overcast and never really got the bright sunlight that we need this time of year.

In my 40s, I have become more aware and appreciative of what sunlight can do for my mood. I try my best to be aware of the brighter days and the bluer sky. I know that it helps to lighten my mental state. I know that it's something I need. 

Good Day

As I mentioned in my last post, I'm being positive about the fireworks and stuff. Because of that, I'm in a good mood this evening. We had drinks and watched a mystery and ate hotdogs. The booms went on around us and it was fine. 

Tomorrow I have therapy and we're talking about relationship stuff. I also need to bring up some things to her about situations I'm going through at the moment. Hopefully the session will be productive. 

Making Room for Joy

Every year I get annoyed with the fireworks going off for days and days and days. I stay annoyed, with my jaw clenched. I'm basically Scrooge of Fireworks. 

This year, I decided to not do that. The fireworks bring people joy. Who am I to be angry at someone else's joy?

And you know what? It's made a difference. It's not always been easy. Sometimes I had to sit there and mutter "Someone's joy someone's joy someone's joy" whenever I was listening to boom after boom after boom. But at least I wasn't actively being angry about it.

Tonight I watched a bunch of them and actually felt a little wonder and joy myself. 

So yay.