Powerless

I've avoided writing about how much I hate summer because it usually does no good and it's early days. Plenty to hate in the months to come. But I thought I would write this because something occurred to me about the issue.

I hate summer because I'm so powerless against it. There is very little I can do to change the situation, outside of turning on some fans. In the winter, I can put on more blankets and more clothes, but there is only so much you can take off during the summer. 

I think part of this powerlessness makes me start to panic, which in turn makes me hotter than I need to be. I think it's something I should try to be aware of and stop when I can.

Back to Normal

Guests have traveled back home. Things should start settling down now. I don't think things will ever feel RIGHT again, but at least they'll go back to somewhat normal. 

I miss my dad. I still can't believe he's gone. There are things I shared with my dad that I can't share with anyone else. There is an emptiness now and that isn't going to go away. 

The Service

The memorial service for my dad was today. It was beautiful. My stepmother's family really came through with the food and the band did a great job with the music. I think I did pretty well with my eulogy. 

I'm tired but we managed to get through it. It's a day I'll always remember.

Father's Day

This was my first Father's Day without my dad. The day felt really gray and awful. It isn't that I used to do much with my dad on this day, but still. I hate this so much. I hate that he's gone. It's really rough and I don't know how to really process the grief of it.

Meeting

Last night we met to finalize the stuff about the Memorial. I think it's all ready? Mostly? There are a few details that won't get settled until later on, but for the most part, we're good. 

We also talked about the issues with my dad not having a will. I think that will get started soon and be dealt with. Hopefully. Everything is still so up in the air.

On a lighter note. I went into A PLACE I'd never been before and handled it okay. So yay for that. 

Rough Day

I had a rough day today. My emotions were raw and everywhere. It was muggy and the back door broke. The last thing we needed was something else breaking. It put me on edge and I'm not sure how to relax out of it. I hope I don't nerve myself out so much that I can't sleep. I need to sleep because I have things to do tomorrow. 

Nothing feels right anymore.

Sleepless

I didn't sleep well last night. In fact, sleep was almost nonexistent for me. I'm really hoping that changes tonight. 

Sleeplessness is so difficult to deal with. It's almost like you forget how to sleep. For hours I just laid there, wishing things would change. Nothing did. 

Needless to say, I was really tired all day. I hope this leads to me sleeping tonight.

Committed

We now have a time, date, and location for the memorial service. We haven't ironed out the details of it yet, but those will be done soon enough. Right now, it's good to know we have a basic idea about what will happen and where.

 There are a lot of odd questions you get asked about a memorial service. My stepmom asked me if I wanted my father's cremains at the service. This struck me as an odd question, but then later I realized that it was possible that some people would. I'm fine with him just being there with us in spirit, but maybe that isn't enough for my brother? I don't know.

Planning

We're slowly planning the memorial service for my dad. It's all still up in the air. My brother wanted it to be at a park by the river but it's going to be hot by that time so my stepmom wanted to do it at an event center. I hope everyone is okay with this. 

I feel like things are just in flux right now. No one knows anything about what's going on. I guess it will be that way for a while. I just hope people show up.