Alterations

I tried the V Method for foundation again. I made some changes in how I did it this time. For one thing, I added a highlighter between the bronze and concealer layers as a kind of transition shade. I also used a CC cream as the lowest v layer on the cheeks. 

I think for the most part, this method served me well. I didn't look as dry from the concealer as I did before, and the contrasts weren't so sharp. It managed to do the thing this method does best, which was to give me a very thin layer of product that basically functioned as my skin but better.

Next time, I'm thinking I might use something different for my shadow contour/bronzer. I've noticed a lot of people with my skin tone using a deeper blush shade to serve that purpose, and I think I'll experiment with that. 

I don't have this method perfected by any means, but I'm getting closer.

Neglect

I grew up neglected. My father wasn't allowed to be around me very much and my mother didn't care. My mother was also a person who suffered from a substance abuse disorder, and she suffered from her own neglect. There is generational neglect, really.

That being said, as an adult, I find that I still fall into the pattern of neglecting myself. I got my first mammogram at 51. I allowed my feet to be in pain for months before dealing with them. I allowed my teeth to have issues for a decade before dealing with them. I allowed these things, because I didn't want to be a bother, because I was afraid, because I didn't want to make anyone mad.

One of the things I'm trying to do with my life is to break this pattern of neglect. I want to take care of myself in every way that is within my control. I want to go into challenging situations knowing that I am can make decisions to correct said situations. 

I know that when I don't neglect myself, things ARE better. My life is easier. I'm usually in less pain and have less stress. The patterns of a lifetime are difficult to break though. I just need to stay on top of it.

V Method

So I watched this short about V contouring. It looks like it would not work at all, but I was intrigued so I tried it. 

I used tarte cosmetics™ sculpt tape™ contour in Light Bronze for my darker shade. I used ELF's Hydrating Camo Concealer in Fair Rose for my concealer and for my blush I used MOONSLICE BEAUTY Cream Blush in Cutie Pie.

I didn't blend it as I applied like she recommended because I wanted to get the placement correct so I blended it the same way she did. 

Did it work? Honestly, I think it did. It's a lot more subtle than I thought it would be. It blends down to a 'your skin but better' finish that looks like you're basically wearing no makeup at all. It's fairly quick as well. 

There are some things I would do differently next time. I think I will try a different concealer because my Elf one is pretty old and it kind of caked things a bit. I might also try to blend product by product now that I know what I'm doing. Still, the technique works well. You might want to give it a try.

Writing Again

I keep a daily journal of various things going on in my life. It started out as just a log about what I would eat in the day, but then expanded to include my calories, my protein, how I felt that day, my plans for tomorrow, and three things I felt proud about. I added this last one most recently. I thought it would help promote my self-esteem.

For several days now, though not in a row, I've mentioned in that list of three that I enjoyed the blog post I wrote. I didn't do this for lack of anything else to jot down. I did it because I actually was really happy with those posts.

I realized it was the first time I'd actually mentioned my own writing in a while. I was writing quite a lot, I always have, but after my dad died, that got so much more difficult. There were things I stopped writing altogether, including, for a while, this blog. I think it was a needed break though. Though my sense of self is strong, I've been in a process of reinvention. I needed to keep what was going on in my head fairly private, mostly because it was a maelstrom of thought.

Even before the blog break, I wasn't happy with the content of the blog. I was basically just dialing it in, mostly because I just really didn't feel like I had much inside me that wasn't big, sad, orphan feelings. I mean, I still have those. I'm still in that place, but I'm not sleeping 16 hours a day and spending most of my awake time just staring off into space.

I've been doing this blog for a long time. So many, many things have changed for me over the years and yet in some ways, so many things haven't changed. But I have plans and goals right now for the first time in a long time and it's fun to explore them. 

Facing Challenges

When it comes to makeup, I have always had several challenges. Over the years, those challenges have grown and now I'm having to learn how to paint my face all over again.

To begin with, my skin, all of it, but especially my eyes, has a high level of sensitivity. I have to be so careful about what I wear so that I don't end up with watery eyes or a watery nose. Half the time, my eyes will tear up and just ruin whatever makeup I have on. I have to be careful about scents on my face and around anything on said face that can leak.

Speaking of my eyes, I have monolids. This means that most makeup tutorials don't work for me. It also means the ones for mono lids, for some reason, also do not work for me. Over the years, my skin has grown lax and thinner around my eyes (as skin does), which makes any application more of a situation.

I'm also having issues with my brows. They're not lonely thinning, but also graying. This means it's even more difficult to make them look vivid. Of course, with brows, there is also the problem with making them TOO vivid. You have to find the right balance there.

Under my eyes, I have creases and puffiness. There is some reddening around them in the corners. Oh, and lines. There are lots of fun little lines trying to make themselves visible. Plus, the crease from my mono lid wants to continue down over my face.

My nose is broad, crooked, and long. The sides of the nostrils tend to get very dry and red. My lips are downturned, and the upper lip is crooked and far less full than my bottom lip.

Oh, and I'm fat and old.

Don't get it twisted. This is not to say I hate my face. I love my face. It's my favorite canvas to work with. But I also acknowledge that it has a lot of ways that make painting that canvas more arduous. This is going to be a process to learn how to do this for someone my age.

There are things working in my favor. For one thing, a lot of cosmetic companies have started making very clean products that work well to handle sensitivity. That should make application easier. There are also a lot of makeup items that contain skincare aspects, like powders that also function as serums. There are also so many makeup tutorials now. Even if 30 techniques don't work for me, so long as one eventually does, it'll be golden.

So I'm pretty hopeful about this new adventure of mine. I'll keep you updated. 

Ipsy Icon Winter Box

 Ipsy Icon Winter Box

I didn't get to choose anything in this box, so everything was a big surprise. In some ways, that's actually more fun because nothing is expected. However, I think getting to choose a few of the products would have been better. I really didn't need another mascara or lip pencil or face mask. If I had options, I would have skipped those items. This somewhat puts them at a lower ranking just because I really didn't need them. Anyway, this is what I got.

I only got two skincare items. The first of these is the Dr. Brandt Skincare Glycolic SkinRenewal Mask. It's supposed to help with signs of aging and uneven skin textures. The cream is very thick and lux feeling. It smells vaguely of mint. You are supposed to put this on clean, dry skin and leave for 5-10 minutes to let it do its thing, then wash off with lukewarm water. My skin is pretty sensitive so this stung. It stung a lot. I didn't enjoy the sensation of having it on at all. After about the first five minutes, either the stinging settled down or I got used to it or my face was numb. My skin did feel nice and smooth afterward. It's a fine mask. We'll see if it helps with anti-aging over time.

My next skincare item was new to me as well. It was 8 Faces Brilliance Serum. I was completely drawn to this from the beginning. For one thing, the packaging is beautiful. The bottle is glass and so beautifully decorated. It also has a glass pipette with a rounded tip. It has rosehip and pomegranate oils, with lotus plant cells, Vitamin C, cica exosomes, and collagen peptides. It smells richly and warmly of citrus. I am discovering that I really love beauty oils. This one glides on gently and absorbs into the skin really well. I've been using it as part of my skin routine, and even after I use the bottle up, I'm keeping it because it's just so lovely.

My first makeup item was the Rodial Glass Powder in translucent. I love Rodial. I use some of their eye creams and they seem to be doing a good job. Even though it's translucent, it has some soft peach undertones that are supposed to help make your skin look poreless and flawless. I was pretty pleased with the results. The first time I used this, I'd made the mistake of using an older, thicker, matte foundation. My skin looked patchy and messy, but the powder made it work. I applied it with a large brush and it went on like a dream. The only issue I had with this powder at all was that the protective plastic cover over the holes inside was very difficult to remove.

Next, I received the Persona CosmeticsVolumizing Tubing Mascara in black. This is a pretty standard mascara. The wand is really nice. It has short bristles and a curve to it. Everything applies well. Is it the best mascara I own? No, but for day-to-day use, it's fine.

The next box actually had two items in it. Bisha Essential Eye Designer Duo Set in Downtown Black and UptownBrown. I was pretty excited about this to begin with because yay two items. I also really loved the packaging. Both were in sleek gold tubes. The black was very black and the brown was a darker chocolate brown. I find that they don't have much lasting power on my skin though. Not too long after application, both had faded and started to migrate. I'm still looking for eyeliner that won't do this to me.

I also received a double set with the Lithe Beauty Soft FillLip Pencils in Scarlet and Dusk. I have some questions. First of all, neither of these seem to be lip pencils. They're really thick. They're more like lip crayons. Second of all, neither color really seems to represent what they say it is. Maybe Dusk does, but the Scarlet one is really not scarlet colored. They glide on well though. I enjoy them.

The last two items were from the featured beauty icon for the season, Natasha Denona. First we got the RetroPalette 15 Eyeshadow Palette. The palette itself is a solid metal and a good size. It has a beautiful mirror. It contains one duo-chrome shade, one with a multi-color sparks topper, 4 metallic shades, and the rest are mattes. Five are cream powders. The colors are in the burgundy and mauve ranges, and are very passionate. Now, admittedly, these are not usually shades I wear. I tend to lean toward nudes or warm autumnal shades. However, I am giving this a chance. Everything is very pigmented and glides on well. I wore them for several hours and they seemed to hold up on my eyes very well.

The other Natasha Denona item that I received was the I Need a Nude lipstick in the shade 36NP Amorosa. It contains Gotu Kola and Orchid extracts that are supposed to heal and nourish your lips. It's described as one of those 'your lips but better' shades and I would say that's true. It looks really good on me. It's also supposed to be universally flattering and work with all skin types. Besides the shade (which I do love) there are two other things I adore about this lipstick. First of all is the packaging. As you can see from the pic above, it's a decadent, bright red metal container. It also has a magnet in it that snaps it back into place when you're done with it, which makes it feel so lux. The other thing I like about it is the feel on the lips. So often lipstick feels waxy and thick. This one feels so light and easy. It's something you could wear all day and not feel like you have something on your lips.

ORDER OF FAVORITES FROM MOST TO LEAST

1. Natasha Denona I Need a Nudelipstick 36NP Amorosa

2. 8 Faces Brilliance Serum

3. Rodial Glass Powder
4. NatashaDenona Retro Palette 15 Eyeshadow Palette
5. Dr. Brandt Skincare Glycolic SkinRenewal Mask
6. Persona Cosmetics Volumizing Tubing Mascara
7. Lithe Beauty Soft Fill Lip Pencils
8. Bisha Essential Eye Designer Duo Set in Downtown Black and Uptown Brown

Awkwardness

I found out that someone who is not talking to me, who has, in fact, disparaged me in the recent past, is possibly not doing well. 

On one hand, this is someone I've known all my life. They are a link to my childhood, one of the few remaining. I hate the idea of them suffering and would love to reach out.

On the other hand, they have made things basically impossible when it comes to us talking. They've made it complicated, and quite frankly, I should probably have nothing to do with them again.

I hate stuff like this. It all boils down to greed and denial. They want things that I'm in no position to give to them. They said horrible things about me in public. It just sucks that things ended up this way. 

Kind of Shocked

 Today is my last day of physical therapy. I had twenty sessions and I completed them. I am so very proud of myself for this, for a number of reasons.

I drove myself to the appointments. Since Covid, I have hated driving. HATED IT. I hate it so much and I never want to do it. But when it came to these appointments, I drove myself to every one of them. I think this helped me a lot. I still don't like driving, but I'm somewhat more confident(ish) about it now, so much so that I've started going to my counseling sessions in person.

I did the homework. I didn't blow off the stuff they taught me. I worked on the printouts they sent home with me and did everything required. This was one of my promises to myself when starting this. I did my best to add things when they would add them into my routine. I know this helped me to excel while I was there.

I worked out in front of others. This was difficult. When I realized I had to move my body in front of other people, I was so uncomfortable. I almost panicked about it. I did not want to do it. But I had made myself a promise that I would in no way be difficult or troublesome about this process. So I did it. I worked out in front of others. I just told myself that no one was watching. As it turns out, people were. People saw me moving and told me they were impressed. Instead of freaking me out, this actually encouraged me.

I rode a bike for the first time in over 30 years. This one was huge. I rode a stationary bike! It was such an amazing moment for me the first time I did this. I was so emotional about it. And I think that's something I need to really get through to you. I am so rarely proud of myself. I am so rarely in a position to actually find accomplishments that involve my body and my ability to do something with my body. This moment for me was huge.

I graduated. I accomplished this! I did all of the sessions and did them very well. I got the t-shirt. I fit into the t-shirt! I didn't flake out. I didn't quit halfway through. I didn't make excuses. I didn't end up regretting the whole thing.

I mean, wow.  

Ipsy Bag for January 2026

The Ipsy bag for this month is beautiful. It's a silvery white with a geometric pattern. The zipper is on one side at the upper top section and has a copper zipper and charm on a blue background. The charm says Ipsy on one side and has a mock coin design on the other.

One of the products I was most anticipating was the ELEMIS Peptide4 Plumping Pillow Facial. I didn't really have an overnight cream and I wanted to see how that would work for me. I had some questions about the concept. I wasn't sure how well this would work. I didn't know if there would be transfer to my pillows. However, a lot of my concerns were handled when I used this. The product itself is very hydrating, but still maintains a decent consistency. It glides on and then melts into the skin, meaning there would be no transfer to the pillows or sheets. It feels wonderful and the smell is very subtle and calming. It has night scented stock, Indian jasmine, ylang ylang, and orange. It's certainly something to look forward to before bedtime.

I also received the MOONSLICE BEAUTY Cream Blush in the shade Cutie Pie, which is a pinkish coral. When I saw that I would have this product in my bag, I wasn't sure how I felt about the color. Recently, I've started getting more accepting of orangey shades, but I didn't know how that would mix with the pinkness of it. When I opened it, I adored the packaging. It's heart-shaped and a good good-quality plastic. No mirror, though. It's very creamy and glides on well. It looked good on my skin and settled in a way that felt very natural.

One of the things I was pretty interested in was byrosiejane's Remi Perfume. As I've mentioned before, I'm very fascinated by scents lately. The top notes on this are bergamot and cardamom. The middle notes are petitgrain, verbena leaf, white gardenia, Indian jasmine, and green hemp. The base notes are milk musk, white amber, and cedar. I found the scent to be clean, fairly unisex, and inviting. The only problem I had with this was the sample size. I mean, I realize you get sample sizes with Ipsy bags, but this is so very small. Still, I enjoyed the scent a good deal.

Now, an item I wasn't too sure about was LUNA MAGIC's lip pencil. For one thing, I got a lip pencil last month. For another, the color, Strawberry Mojito, was described as a pinky-red. But when I opened it, I didn't actually find it to be pinky-red at all. It's more of a rich neutral color and it looked amazing on my lips. This pencil also glides very easily and I found it an effortless application. I a lot of the time I find I have difficulty controlling lip pencils because my lips are crooked, but this one handled quite well. Lip pencils have a tendency to feel really dry as well, but this one actually didn't. It felt smooth, and once on the lips, it felt like nothing. 

The item that I chose for myself was the SUGARSILK Ethereal Eyes Palette. Why did I choose this? Well, to be honest, it was my first time getting to choose an item from Ipsy and as the window for selection is narrow, I kind of panicked and just went with what seemed like the best thing for me. This was before I received two other palettes from some Allure boxes and before I realized my coloring was altering to the point that I'm looking better in warm than in cool tones. I did find these tones to work with me, though. The pans have a lot of pigment and the colors are quite nice. I think it has a lot of potential.

MY LIST FROM FAVORITE TO LEAST

1.ELEMIS Peptide4 Plumping PillowFacial

2.LUNA MAGIC Strawberry Mojito lippencil
3.MOONSLICE BEAUTY Cream Blush in Cutie Pie
4.SUGARSILKEthereal Eyes Palette
5.byrosiejane's Remi Perfume, but really only because it's such a small sample.

Picture This

When I was leaving physical therapy today, my therapist was walking with me and hesitated. I asked her what was wrong and she said that, if I wanted to, I could have a picture taken for them to put on their website. She said it wasn't a HAVE TO thing, but given that I would be completing my program, it was a step usually taken.

I said yes. Interestingly to me, I said yes without hesitation. 

On the ride home, I thought more about why I'd done this. It really comes down to representation. PT has been fundamentally helpful to me. I have learned the proper ways to exercise my body without harming myself in the process. I honestly had no idea how to do that before. I would work out, but often with injuries. 

I know I am by far not the only heavy (and heavy older) person out there who wants to find the right ways to move. I'm sure there are a lot of people in the same position I was in just a few months prior. So seeing a body that is clearly heavy and clearly older might encourage people to seek out instruction on the best ways to exercise. 

Is part of my brain freaking out about this? Of course. For so long, I have been a thrall to my conditioning, believing I was not worth seeing or being photographed. Or, worse, believing that photos of me would only expose me to ridicule. And . . . that might happen too. But I don't really care. If seeing a body like mine helps someone else find the instrution they need, then it's worth it.

Allure Box January 2026

The item we got to choose color options from this month was Tarte Cosmetics' Sculpt Tape Contour. I chose the cool bronze. This is an interesting product for me because it has a built-in sponge applicator. In theory, the applicator is a great idea, but it does make controlling the amount of product that comes out somewhat of a challenge. I'm not sure what I think of the color yet, but of the choices I had, it was the lightest and so probably the best for me. I'm not really a huge bronzer kind of person, but we'll see how it goes.

My next product was the one I was most excited about, Obagi Hydrate Facial Moisturizer by Obagi Medical. Oh, I was seriously NOT disappointed. This product is amazing! It's scentless and comes out in a thick, slightly amberish color. It goes on very smoothly and makes my skin feel stunning. I have so many problems with dry skin during the winter months, especially because of my CPAP. With the Obagi, that has not been a problem at all. I would very much love to keep using this. 

The thing I was second most excited about was Blake Brown Beauty's Fundamental Nourishing Mask, admittedly partly because I find the packaging so beautiful. It looks more expensive than it even is. I enjoyed this product a lot. It really coats the hair well, and it smells wonderful. The scent notes are nerol and cardamom on the top, lily of the valley and nectar in the heart, with bottom notes of cedar wood and Madagascar vanilla. It worked well with my body chemistry. I was pleased with how soft my hair felt after my shower. 

On the subject of hair, the box also contained the Paul Mitchell Super Skinny Serum. I was pretty meh about this. It's not really an expensive product, and I have a lot of 'apply to your damp hair' leave-in stuff right now. However, one of its claims really intrigued me. It said it cut down drying time. I had no idea if that was even possible, but I slathered this stuff on my hair, hoping it was. You know what? It actually did cut down on drying time. My hair was dry within minutes, which is great because it's cold right now. Also, that meant there was less time for the hairdryer to mess things up. My hair is fine, thin, and wispy. When I blow dry it, I often look like Angelica's Cynthia doll. Because it dried so much faster this time, I was able to control the shape a lot better. 

I also received Mitchell & Peach English Leaf Body Soufflé Cream. Okay, I have a lot of thoughts. This one has certainly been a process. The notes on it are English leaf, citruses, coriander leaves, basil, mint, and floral oils and grass.  I didn't like the scent at first. I let my roommate try it, and he really hated it. I loved the feel of the lotion though, and after a while, I enjoyed the way the scent settled on my skin. It contains honey, cocoa, and Vitamin B5, and all of that works well with my skin. Over time, I also began to enjoy the bold leafy/herby scents. It's funny how that can happen. In the end, I found myself really liking this product and will probably use it up completely. 

My bonus item was Levitate Beauty's Hydrogel Under Eye Masks (3 pairs) that contained collagen, ginseng, and pearl extract. I have to admit I was disappointed when I didn't get the other bonus item option, but actually, I enjoyed these masks quite a lot. They were bigger than most eye masks I usually use, but also thinner, which means they stayed in place better than eye masks often do. It also meant I could apply them to my upper lid after using them on the lower one, and they stayed put. They had a removable layer on them to help put them in place. There was a good amount of extra liquid in the packets, meaning you could basically coat your whole face while wearing the masks, a nice added benefit. 

MY LIST FROM FAVORITE TO LEAST. (Though I have to admit, I liked a lot of these and basically had several ties.)

1. Obagi Hydrate Facial Moisturizer by Obagi Medical

2. Paul Mitchell Super Skinny Serum

2. Mitchell & Peach English Leaf Body Soufflé Cream

2. Blake Brown Beauty's Fundamental Nourishing Mask

2. Levitate Beauty's Hydrogel Under Eye Masks 

6. Tarte Cosmetics' Sculpt Tape Contour

Illegitimi non carborundum

I basically just focused on another product review today and didn't let myself get too down. There are medications working against me on that front. I'm doing my best to just stay even but it isn't easy.

One of my favorite Youtubers has passed away. Her channel partner/best friend made the announcement yesterday. She wasn't very old and I will miss her a lot. She was very vibrant.

It seems like a lot of the light is going out in the world right now. Every day, things seem a little worse, like the powers that be are trying their best to grind us all down. I'm not sure what to do about that outside of just resisting. I wish we weren't still having to deal with these things. 

Ispy Box Jan 2026

Today I got my Ipsy box for January. It arrived rather quickly.

The first item I received was Kulfi Beauty Badi Lash Smudge Proof Volumizing Tubing Mascara in Black. I really loved this! I don't have very long or thick lashes, but this mascara really gave me some good volume on them. Because it's tubing, it stayed on until I decided to remove it. The wand was thin and long and the formula was really great.

Then I got the BYROE Sugar Plum Shimmer Lip Oil. The formula was good and I liked the way the oil felt on my lips. I even though the glitter aspect of it wasn't uncomfortable on my lips. HOWEVER, it did transfer a lot to my chin. This might not be a problem if I had on lip liner, but I didn't so it became an issue. 

Next up was WANDER BEAUTY On-the-Glow Blush & Illuminator in Dusk. This was a good size and had a liquid blush on one end and the illuminator on the other. Both colors worked well with my complexion. I think the illuminator works better on my eyelids than on my cheeks. I didn't try it on my forehead but it might work well there too. I found the blush to be very easy to blend and it was buildable enough.  It looked good on my lips, cheeks, and eyelids. 

Item four was EVEREDEN'S Hair and Body Fragrance Mist in Darling. It works with sensitive skin and has notes of rose, strawberries, and vanilla. I wasn't sure how I would feel about this because the brand skews young and I'd never used a hair mist before. However, I find that I really love the scent and enjoy the way it blends with my hair. 

Lastly, I received CHICA BEAUTY Mirame Liquid Liner. I'd gotten a palette from them before and liked it a lot so I had some high hopes for the liner. However, I found it to be pretty streaky and it didn't stay on my eyes very well. Within an hour or so it was already smudging and running. Of everything here, I liked this the least. It didn't help that they'd sent it in black. Since I've gotten older, I tend to wear brown or gray liners for my eyes. It's frustrating because Ipsy actually asks you what colors you want and I'd told them browns and grays. 

MY LIST FROM FAVORITE TO LEAST.

1. The Kulfi mascara-- beautiful on the lashes, very nice for the price.
2. Evereden hair mist--great scent, good for sensitive skin, blends well with my chemistry. 
3. The Wander stick-- good colors on me but a bit too pricy for what you get.
4. Byroe shimmer lip oil-- feels good on the lips but glitter transfers to the face.
5. Chica Beauty eyeliner--streaky and not the right color for me. 

Slowing Down

I have been so busy for so many months now. Next week, things will start slowing down. This is very good. I need them to slow down. I'm frazzled and worn out at this point.

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for the business. I'm glad I finally got a mammogram (no cancer) and had a biopsy done on my thyroid (also no cancer). I'm glad I've addressed a lot of the mental and medical issues that needed addressing. I'm also glad I've been a tiny bit more social.

But I am tired. I feel pulled apart and in pieces. I need some time to just be in my house and regroup my thoughts. I'm thinking next month will be my time to do that. 

This is probably a good thing. February tends to be our coldest and winteriest month. Not having a lot to do during that time is probably not only needed but also safe.

The Way of Scents

I've been delving into the realm of scents lately. One of the things I've noticed the most is how much body chemistry can adjust a scent, not just when the scent is first applied, but also over time. 

My body tends to marry scents fairly well. I think it's one of the reasons why I'm probably better off with perfumes that emphasize the skin's natural scent more than anything else. It's subtle, interesting, and complex.

Scents are an amazing form of self-expression. They also leave lasting memories. I can remember the smell of people who have long passed from my life and this world as easily as if they were in the room with me right now.

I tend to like spicy things, gourmonds, and darker scent notes. I like whiskeys and tobaccos, leather, cinnamon, and cherry. I love the way these things make me smell. 

Scent is a fun area to explore. There could be all kinds of things I might find that work for me, things I didn't expect. In terms of my year of beauty, this should be very educational. 

The Difference

I had to have work done on my mouth today. I've been dealing with this dentist's office since March of last year and I'm very glad I made the decision to do so. This isn't something I like to talk about a lot, but my teeth had gotten really bad. In my case, it was genetic working against me. No matter how hard people tried in my family, bad teeth always seemed to be a thing that happened.

I hated my teeth, my smile, talking to people. I hated going anywhere if people were going to see my teeth. It was really limiting the already rather limited life I had. 

But having my teeth replaced as changed so much for me. I love my smile now. I love talking to people again. I can walk into a room and feel confident. 

While I was at the office today, I told them how much they had changed things for me. I wanted them to understand that the work they're doing can make a massive difference in someone's life. Part of me thinks they hear that all the time, but even if they do, it's always good to remind people when they're having a positive impact on things. 

Procedure Tomorrow

Tomorrow I have to have some more work done on my mouth. I'm so super nervous about it, more so than I thought I would be. I'm just almost shaking about the idea. I will be glad when all of this is over.

I think part of it is that I'm worried things won't go well. There is literally nothing I can or could do about that. This is about something fusing to my jawbone and I had no control over if that happened or not. 

We'll see how it goes. 

Grief And Other States of Being

I dreamed about my dad last night. I dream about him fairly often, actually, but last night it was one of those stressful kind of dreams because he wanted me to do something for him, something that I knew meant a lot to him, but I wasn't sure how to make it happen. 

I dreamed he had a grand piano in his house and he wanted me to find a new home for it. I had no idea how to make that happen because it's such a large instrument. I kept trying to come up with plans for it, but none of them seemed plausible. 

Then tonight when I was making my plans for tomorrow, I thought about how I wanted to call him. I still do that a lot on Sunday and Thursday nights. I always called my dad on Mondays and Fridays. I still want to. I would give anything if I could. 

Grief doesn't really go away, does it? It gets easier over time, but it never really completely leaves. How could it? The person you are mourning is gone. How do actually come to terms with that?

I certainly haven't figured it out. 

Beauty as Liberation

There is a lot of discussion about beauty. There is always a lot of discussion about beauty. These days it's about the massive amount of plastic surgery people are having and the millions spent to keep people looking younger and more desirable. 

I guess I don't see my beauty that way. I suppose because I really have no interest in attracting someone else, I just view my beauty as my canvas, as a display of skill. I don't feel like it has anything to do with anyone else. 

I hate that people DO feel like their looks are dependent on the approval of others. I wish we could move past that as a society. It can get very dark. 

Successful First Day

I did basically everything I'd planned to do yesterday. It went really well, and I was pleased. Tomorrow wasn't quite as successful because I ended up napping when I had planned to do something else. If my body needed to nap, that is the best thing I could do at that time. 

This week is going to be really busy. I have a lot of appointments. Basically, every day will have something happening. I'm not really pleased about that, but fortunately, it's the last week in a while where that will be the case. Things should start slowing down after next week. Though by that I mean I'll still have appointments, just one or two instead of four or something. 

I'm also starting some new medication this next week to help regulate some stuff. I'll need to schedule blood work for about six weeks from now.  

My Words for the Year

For 2026, my words will be enlightenment, creativity, and beauty. I plan to pursue things that promote all three of these concepts. I want my days to be filled with my own creativity or that of other people. I want to have music and art and scents and laughter and wordplay and everything going on to make things better and brighter.

This isn't to take away from what I already have. I want to add to it. I want to take the health, organization, and structure that I cultivated last year and enrich them with beautiful things.