Med Woes

Due to increased demand and not enough supply, my meds won't be available until sometime mid-month. I still have some shots, but not many. And if this continues, I may get into a situation where I don't have meds at all.

I'm hoping I'll be okay. I'm hoping that I'll just continue to do things the way I've been doing them and ride this out until the situation calms down. But I'm not sure how easy that will be. 

To be honest, I'm scared. I've made some modest progress here and I don't want to lose all of it. I'm really scared.

Yesterday

Yesterday was a big day for me. I went to a movie and also out to eat. I've not been in TWO buildings on the same day in years. I've been so bad about just staying in the house and maybe going to A place once every six months. During Covid, I didn't go anywhere.  Past that, I just never got back into the habit of it.

I went to the Two Places with this cloud over me like something would go wrong. Nothing did* but I was worried that it would. The day went well and I'm very happy about it.

*Nothing went wrong while I was out. When we returned home, the internet went out for 24 hours, but I'm not going to see that as some kind of punishment for going out and having a good time, even if my inner voices are trying to tell me that's the case.

Ups and Downs and Downs

We're doing a Thing on Tuesday and despite the physical demands of it, I'm looking forward to it. I'm still nervous, but not in a dire level of panic.

Speaking of panic though, I had a low level panic attack on Thursday and didn't do some stuff I should have done. Things are better now, but because I put off what I should have done then, I'll be doing it on Monday instead. Hopefully I won't panic about it then.

While we're on the subject of panicking, I had to do an interview on Friday and ever since I've been questioning every answer I gave. Even though I mostly just answered yes or no, I'm still worried I somehow messed it up.

I wish I wasn't scared all the time. It's very exhausting. 

Springlike

It was warm enough today for us to open the doors and let some air in. It was actually a lot warmer outside than it was inside. I went out with my crocheted hat on and regretted it.

I packed away some winter clothes. Aside from a couple of hats, most of my winter things are washed up and ready to be stored again. I'll try to finish that up this week. Some of them go on my shelves and some into the closet.

Am I looking forward to Spring? Yes. In some ways. I like the extra light and I'm tired of it being so cold. I am, however, not looking forward to the bugs, the mowing, the allergies, and the eventual summer of it all. 

There is nothing I can do about it though. Time marches forward.

Rough Day Again Again

My sinuses were causing havoc on my body today. It wasn't fun to be in my skin. My stomach still isn't settled from all of it and I'm not sure how well I'll sleep tonight.

On a brighter note, I got in contact with our lawn mowing guy and he'll still be mowing for us this year. Hopefully there will be no glitches with that. 

Successful Continuing

I realize that most people's lives have returned to normal after Covid, but mine really hasn't. I still mostly stay in my house. If I go out, I usually don't leave the car. Outside of seeing my family once a year and the occasional doctor's visit, I don't see other humans.

I'm trying to change that though. The process is slow. We're occasionally going out to places to eat. Recently we've eaten out twice. The place was very small though so I did alright.

Today we went to a larger establishment. Part of me was really frightened by this. It was more people than I've been around in years. They were everywhere. I did my best not to stare and not to act timid. My roommate noticed this and asked me about it later. I reminded him that he goes out to the store and can handle being around people better than I can.

So I count today as a big success. I was out. I went into A Place and existed around Other People. I'm physically sore and mentally spaced out by it, but it's one more step to getting back to normal.

Successful

My roommate took Machen to have his neutering surgery yesterday. The procedure was successful and he's recovered quickly. In fact the first thing he did when he was out of the cat carrier was to jump on a table he's not supposed to be on. 

Millie was very happy when he was gone. She sat on my roommate's lap or mine basically all day, basking in the quiet and the joy of being the only cat in the house. 

She was very disappointed when Machen returned. She hissed and growled at him and hasn't forgiven any of us that he's back. 

Spring Foward

Am I looking forward to the extra sunlight? Yes. Am I looking forward to waking up an hour earlier? No. 

I didn't have to use my light box much this year but I think maybe that's because I knew it would be a hassle to get it down with the cat involved. Now it needs to be put away and stored along with some of my winter clothes. 

Am I happy we won't have any more snow? Yes. Am I looking forward to all the bugs and heat that come with Spring and Summer? No. 

We ordered meds for the cats and soon we'll be washing all the winter blankets. I'll miss the comfort of cozy warmth as it changes into uncomfortable warmth. 

I'm ready for winter to be over but I'm not quite ready to endure Summer. May Spring be long.

Enemy Within

The house has been having some issues and I can't make myself calm down about it. There is this creeping sense that things will go wrong again and that it will be something I did. I just can't keep the anxiety at bay about this. I'm not sure what to do.

I have meds, but they really work best under the assumption that things are fine but my brain chemicals are out of whack. It's completely different when things are NOT fine and my chemicals are also out of control. My brain is basically torturing me right now. I hate this.

Outing

We went out yesterday to try and have something to do. Mostly it was just about looking at the pretty blooms on the trees and getting something to eat. The trees didn't disappoint. The food did.

I'm more cautious these days about what I get to eat because I know I can eat too much and make myself uncomfortable. But even with that in mind, the food was still far more expensive than it used to be.

Yes, I realize everything is more expensive these days, but it's basically to the point where places that used to be accessible to us are out of our price range. I just can't justify spending more money on one meal than we used to spend on two. 

The frustrating thing is that post-Covid, due to a lot of reasons (mostly health-related), we really didn't go out at all. I can count the number of places I've been inside of last year on one hand. That probably isn't very healthy. So we're trying to start venturing out more and find the normal that we used to have. But the expense of it is making it almost impossible to do this.