Year in Reflection

I probably won't read this again until almost 2027, so to me in the future, hi. I hope things are going well. 

So what was this year?

It was the first full year without my father. I think that is a lot of what happened to me, shaped a good deal of what  happened to me this year. That meant I had to deal with some very annoying family issues. I have basically had to write some of my family members off. I hate that, but I really had no choice.

It was a year of bleeding. I had two surgeries this year. With one of them, I bled for days afterward. I bled from times I injured myself. I bled from various cat cuts.

It was a year of changes. I got braver this year. I changed cars. I changed insurance companies. I changed my perspective on letting things go. I changed a lot about my diet and about how I would document my life.

It was a year of expenses. So, so many expenses. 

It was a year of learning. I am now better educated about quite a few subjects. I'm really glad I did that because knowledge, always, is power. 

It was a year of good music. I had my favorites and I listened to them happily. Music really brought me a lot of joy, comfort, assistance, and solace this year. 

I am ending the year with hope, but also some questions. There are people I've not heard from in a long time, and they stayed quiet even after I reached out to them. I am not sure if I will get my motivation back. It's very seriously lacking of late. I know things are easier in the spring for me, but I worry that the motivation and inspiration won't return. I suppose, in time, I'll know.

What do I not want for this next year? No unpleasantness. No unexpected hurts. No more deaths. 

What do I want for this next year? I want to make progress. I want to be proud of myself. I want to feel joy. 

Goodbye, 2025. We learned a lot of things. Hello, 2026. Let's try to make things better.

Six Things I'm Proud of for 2025

1. I drove more. I get kind of scared about driving. Okay, let's be honest. I dislike driving. But this year I actually drove more than I have since Covid. I've even voluntarily taken myself to appointments.

2. I addressed looming health issues that I've needed to address for years. First and foremost, I got my first mammogram. I'm about 12 years overdue for one, but I did it and started the process of doing it yearly, and now I know what to expect.

3. I accepted that some things just need to end. I let go of a lot of things this year, including the insurance company I'd had since I was 16. Making this decision was very liberating, and I'm glad I did it. I've felt that way about several things this year.

4. When in doubt, I educated myself. There were several major challenges this year that I needed to tackle. Instead of just obsessively dreading them, I learned about them. I took what actions I could. I controlled what I could.

5. I limited what I would engage with. If a situation was out of my control, something I could not change, or would serve only to upset me, I did not interact with it. I did not allow myself to just fill up with negative emotions over stuff I could do nothing about. 

6. I started doing more record keeping. I started documenting what was going into my body, what was happening with my medical situation, what was going on with the car, what was happening in the house, and what was happening with my funds. I'm keeping track of all of this so that I keep on top of it.

This year has had a lot of challenges and pain involved, but it has also had a lot of great moments for me. I'm glad I am coming to the end of the year with some feelings of accomplishment. Probably one of my more successful years in a while. 

Making Plans

December will be winding up this week. I only have three things planned. This is wonderful as many of my weeks have had 4 or more things happening. Usually, it's medical appointments.

This week I only have a couple of appointments and then plans with friends. By Thursday, I'll be free until the start of next week when I have at least five things to do. 

The reason I've been able to keep up with all of this is because I put a dedicated page of my phone to just be my calendar. It keeps me reasonably organized and situated. I am so glad I did that. It's one of the better decisions I made this year. 

A Goal for 2026

I have never felt overly confident with beauty stuff. My hair has always baffled me. My skin is always either too oily or too dry or both. My eyes water with makeup. Accessories always felt like they didn't work. Just overall, I felt intimidated by the whole process.

For 2026, I want to change that. I want to learn about how to make this stuff work for me. There are a lot of videos out about how to deal with things after you turn 50. There are videos about how to dress someone of my shape and size. There are videos and articles and reviews of products and how they react to someone with sensitive skin, recommendations for people with sensitive skin. 

Those things have been there for years, but for the most part I've dipped my toes into those waters, but never stayed long enough to really feel confident about it. And that's what I want more than anything else. I want to feel confident about what I'm doing with my appearance. I want to feel like things are working together and with me. I want to feel put together and sure of what's going on with my outward appearance. 

This isn't the only goal I have for the year, but it's certainly A goal I have. By the end of 2026, I want to know what products work for me. What colors work for me. What shapes work for me. I want to get ready with a sense of security that whatever I throw together won't look clownish unless I'm going for clownish. 

I know I can't just watch videos about this either. I need to practice. I need to spend time looking at myself and analyzing what works and what doesn't. I need to put time into this. I think I can do that though.

Last Week of 2025

There are a lot of things that happened this year, things that this time last year I never would have even dreamed of happening. 

This was a very rough year in a lot of ways. I've had to humble myself, face my fears, accept certain realities, and let go of things I never thought I would lose. Am I better off for it? Yes, I am. That doesn't change the fact that the process was difficult.

I am still mourning my father, though I now have his guitar and some pictures of him in my room. I miss him every day, though. 

I also lost my cat Machen this year. That was a sudden and unexpected death. He was very young and the fact that his health declined so quickly still hurts me. 

I have had to drive myself to a lot more places and be around a lot more people. That hasn't been easy, but I'm glad I did it. I needed to change so much about myself, and I still do, but I think I can actually accomplish these changes.

My plans for next year involve educating myself about certain things and practicing them until I'm actually skilled. I had to do that this year as well, but fortunately, I have some good tools at my disposal. 

Bruised

I have some pretty intense bruises after my fall yesterday. They're uncomfortable and making sitting in one spot difficult. 

I drove to my best friend's house today. I'm pretty proud that I did that, as usually I would rely on my roommate to do the driving. I used to not have a problem driving at all, but over the years, the fear has set in.

For me, I don't have too overly involved a week next week. Just a couple of appointments and some errands. The week after that will be busy busy busy, so I'll just be happy with only a couple of places to be. 

Unexpected Issues

The theater where we go to watch movies now has assigned seats. When we got our seats today, we did not realize they would be up a flight of six stairs. When I saw this, and saw how steep the stairs were, I internally panicked. 

With a lot of difficulty, I made it up the stairs. I did not make it down them. I stepped on the first one and basically fell on my butt. I died a little inside, but scooted my way down the rest of them, sitting down. I was (THANKFULLY) able to stand again once I reached the last stair. It was humiliating, scary, and painful. 

Aside from that, the day was really good. I think we're going to try and make this a tradition with my stepmom.

Been a While

I guess because I've been keeping various logs and journals that are very private, I've neglected this blog. I think I just got so isolated that I couldn't really handle talking about what was going on in my life. 

It's been a challenging year. I've had a lot of things change for me and I've had to be really, really brave at times. I think I've gotten better about that and hopefully it's something that will increase in the new year.

Today is my birthday and I'm turning 52. That's older than I ever thought I would be but not so old that I get the nifty discount meals or the ability to live in the nifty communities. The day has left me feeling oddly vulnerable. A lot of people reached out to wish me a happy birthday but some very notable people did not. I'm trying not to dwell on that last part or read too much into it, but it's difficult.

Tomorrow is Christmas and I'm spending it with my roommate and my stepmom. It should be fun, actually. Hopefully everything goes well.

Wherever you are out there, I wish you happy days full of light and laughter.