Folding

I folded my clothes and put some away. Then I started listening to Old Gods of Appalachia. It's so very, very good. 

I wrote some as well. I need to plot out my next bit of the collab story. I hope this weekend is good.

Quiet Day

I edited some stuff today and sent some pages to my project partner. I'm in this place where I kind of need to just plot out the next bit and wrap this thing up. I've already reached the word minimum, but I'm only about halfway through the story. So far, it's working quite well.

We had to take the van in to the mechanic's on Tuesday due to an issue the mechanic said he found on Friday but somehow the issue was gone on Tuesday. So I guess Mandela Effect happened again.

I wish we could slide into a less shitty timeline. I really do. Nothing feels safe anymore. 

Sigh.

Anyway, tomorrow I'm writing. I need to fold some clothes and put away some more clothes too. Not sure if that will happen, but hopefully so.

Haven

I started a Tumblr account for a project but now find I love it because it's just wonderful. I've learned so much about fic writing and writing theory in general. I've read countless headcanons and discussions. I've found some amazing fics and glorious art.

It's really been my happy place during all the toxic bullshit happening in the world. 

Rough Monday

I wrote a lot this weekend. Today I hit a wall. I wrote like two sentences. 

I'm emotionally kind of broken. I'm trying to fight off panic, depression, and paranoia. It isn't hot but it isn't pleasant and my stomach is a mess.

It was a bad day. 

Post the Ruling

If you use any kind of menstrual tracking app, tell them to delete your information and then remove the app. If you have any kind of mental health app, do the same. Delete the information, then remove the app. Apps like that are not subject to HIPAA and will give or sell your information to anyone. 

If you miscarry and the police show up, say nothing to them except “I want a lawyer.” Not one word beyond that. Keep yourself calm around them. Be firm but polite. This isn't for them. This is for your protection as they may be called to testify as to their impression of your state of mind. 

That isn't just advice for pro-choice women. I mean that for all women. Your compliance with conservative views will not be a shield. It never has been.  All miscarriages or suspected miscarriages will now be a potential political gain for any DA running on a “sAvE tEh ChIlDrEN” platform. 

If they think they can charge and convict you for some negligence that leads to your miscarriage, they will. Especially if you are poor, non-white, or don't fit in their little boxes of acceptability. 

If you don't want any more children (or want no children), your safest option is tubal ligation. Don't depend on someone's vasectomy. The odds of rape are too high. 

We all know things get complicated with tubals. In some cases they want you to be over a certain age or have had a certain number of children already. In some places they disturbingly want you to have a man's permission. You may have to go through several options before you find someone who will do it. It's better than the alternatives.

If they try to talk you out of it by telling you that you might change your mind about wanting children, remind them that you can always adopt. The Gilead states are going to be overflowing with unwanted children. 

If you do want children or want more children, even if you are pro-life, it's best to move out of a Gilead state if you can. It improves your odds of living through a complicated pregnancy. It improves your chances of living and avoiding any kind of prison time if you miscarry. 

Until you are in a safer situation, don't have unprotected sex. If the person you are with balks at the idea of a condom, don't have sex with them at all. Anyone who would risk your future and your life for their own spoiled pleasure and ideals shouldn't be fucked. 

If you are in a situation where you are unable to make decisions for yourself about when you have sex or if you feel you aren't safe in your home, call 800-799-7233. 

You deserve to be safe. 

Another Saturday

I wrote some this morning. I did the second check-in with my summer event. We had to use the AC for more hours than normal today because it was really hot. It's still pretty hot.

I didn't like the way Umbrella Academy ended. Kind of over 'we all lose our powers' as a trope. It was only done properly with Storm during the '80s anyway.

Blue

Posted my next Angband chapter. It brings Draugluin into the picture and he is LOTS of fun. I want Angband to have a lot of complexity to it. I want it to be people's homes, not just their prisons. I want there to be a massive cost when it falls.

I have most of the next chapter done-ish so it will be in the next few days. 

Interesting Wednesday

Abigail Thorn came out as trans today on Philosophy Tube. She did the first part of the video still dressed as the old masc presenting form and the last part as Abigail. It was beautifully handled. 

I hope there isn't a lot of blowback from this, but there probably will be because people are resistant assholes.  She talked about how she felt comfortable for the first time in her life because up til now, it was like she had a job she hated but still kept being told she should do. There was so much relief in her eyes. It was really nice.

It's really humid tonight. I was hoping all the nice stuff yesterday was a sign that things were improving with the weather. They have not.

Progress on Projects

I wrote quite a lot this morning and sent pages to my partner on that story. I also did some plotting and set up a really funny scene. 

I finished the collage for my therapist.  I know some people don't see the value in art therapy. It honestly might not work for them. I, however, find it deeply satisfying. Even if it's just a matter of working visual layers on top of each other, I think the impact of the work is very gratifying. 

Maybe it has something to do with how my brain processes creativity and how it processes mental stress/pain/paranoia that makes the two not really able to exist at the same time. 

Or perhaps the part of my brain that is open to creativity is the same part that sometimes goes sideways and harms me. As long as I'm letting the inspiration flow and trusting it, everything is usually okay. Whatever I'm working on is usually better if I just let it go as it will. It's one of the reasons I hate it when people ask me tons of questions during roleplaying. Let it just happen. Don't try to shape it. And for fuck's sake, don't ask me to name everyone.  Hell, even in real life most people don't have names to me. Just vague descriptions. Surly Gaurd IS that dude's name, okay?

Projects

I spent part of the evening working on my project for therapy. I'm not sure if it will be ready by Wednesday, but I'll have some stuff to show at the very least.

Figured out how to control transformations on my werewolf in Sims. Basically, you have to lock them in a room when they're raging and leave them alone until they calm down. They still get angry during the full moon, but I think one of the advanced abilities will keep them from freaking out then.

I wrote some last night and did some plotting today. We also went shopping and paid a bill. It wasn't super hot, which was nice. It's kind of wet and itchy tonight though. 

Father's Day

I thought my dad would stay for a bit but he left after only a few minutes because he had to do some stuff with my brother. Logically, I know the fault was on me but I still felt let down. 

I shouldn't. I mean, it was HIS father's day.

Uhh. Anyway, the weekend was fine. I didn't like the way Killing Eve ended.

Cooler

It got cooler tonight. Hopefully, that means we'll be able to sleep better. I wrote some this morning but I've been a bit uninspired since then. Maybe that will change in an hour or so. We'll see.

The cat is sleeping on my computer desk and looks very peaceful. At least the cooler weather will do her some good. I just wish the mugginess would go away. Honestly, whatever heat wants to happen can as long as that stops.

This is the werewolf Welcome Wagon in Sims 4 now. They're the boring wolf pack that I know none of my sims will ever join. 

My sims will always join the pack with the rebel wolves. Because of course, we will. 

Arrested Development Perhaps

One of the youngs started their ranting about 'the old people' being on Tumblr, writing fanfiction, and playing Sims. Why can't you just grow up, said young asked. 

This needs to stop.

Other people have talked about this. They pointed out how people often want to put adult women into the caregiver, selfless, responsible, mommy roles. Even when these people want nothing to do with that. Even when these younger people, most of whom identify as femme, wouldn't want that themselves. 

The thing is, either you WANT to hit 40/50/60 and still be playing video games/writing fics/living life on your own terms (in which case you should be happy that there are people already doing this to show proof of concept) or you are just a tourist in the spaces you're in right now. You plan at some point on forsaking them and acting like an adult.

And if you are a tourist, you're welcome to be here, but don't try to change the structures. This isn't a space where you will be staying, so enjoy it, clean up your messes, and don't start any fires. Do not criticize the people who live in the spaces that you're just touring, especially when they're the ones who built the spaces, to begin with.

Deep in my Thoughts

There is a lot going on in my head but I just don't feel like writing it all down. None of it is bad. It's just some theories I have about beauty and acceptance and love. I don't know. I think I need to stir it around in my brain for a while longer. We'll see. 

I also need to do some more writing but at the moment I'm just in need of some quiet time. Maybe in an hour or so.

June Monday

Talked to my nephew today. We played video games and joked around for a while. He didn't have a good time at camp, but as muggy as it's been, who could? 

I sent some scenes over to my artist and now I need to focus on my other writing project for a few days. The computer switchover has left me a bit drained. 

However, the computer is pretty nice All my video games run better. Everything loads so smoothly. It's great.

Hot Day

It was so hot today we had to turn on the AC. So...relief for a few hours. Yay!  It's still rather warm now, but at least I didn't have to be sweaty and miserable all damned day.

That always makes life easier.

The New Computer

Yesterday the new computer was set up. Everything seems to be working, though there are some little minor issues here and there. Mostly it has to do with the size of things. For instance, this is much smaller than it was on the old system, but when I try to resize it, it just gets weird. This may take some finagling on my part.  I'm sure I'll sort it out.

I didn't do any writing today. Maybe a sentence or two. Then again, my mind was busy with all of the computer stuff. I'll try to write tomorrow. 

Pride (In the Name of Freedom)

Sometimes you will hear conservatives complain that 'it seems like there are SO MANY LGBTQIA+ people now' and how it didn't use to be that way. Wait, actually they would never dignify other people with letters. They usually use some pejorative or say the first few letters in exasperation and then fling their hands in the air as if repeating letters is just too much for them. 

It's annoying. It's also wrong. 

My grandmother, I am relatively sure, given many things she said, was probably aromantic. I'm guessing she was asexual too. Marriage was an obligation to her. She tolerated it at best and hated it most of the time. My grandfather was a decent husband, but that really doesn't matter if she wasn't interested in any of that in the first place. 

But she still married and had children because her society (very rural Arkansas post-WWII) wouldn't have allowed much of anything else. Her job prospects as a single woman weren't great. It wasn't exactly safe for women to be on their own. Most significantly, there was the shame aspect. 

If she didn't marry and have children, she would be viewed as a failure. She would be viewed as suspect. She would be the subject of gossip and rumors and pity. If she didn't marry, she would have been expected to stay home and tend to her parents as they aged to tend to the children of siblings when they needed it. If she didn't limit her availability to one man, she would have been expected to give her time and effort to the rest of her family.

My grandmother had already skipped a year of school to tend to younger brothers and her parents after her mother's mental health crashed. The idea of spending the rest of her life serving her family while being the subject of people's speculation was intolerable. So she married. And hated every moment of it. 

My grandmother's story is common. Our history is full of people who married despite a lack of desire (for various reasons) or married despite a want or willingness for monogamy. They were miserable. 

Our history is also full of people who didn't marry, but instead were shamed into service. They would take care of aging family members or join restrictive religious organizations or join the military as a way to both hide who they were and perhaps find a way to better fit in. And these people were miserable. 

Society loves to be able to shame people. Society loves to find ways to make people believe their natural inclinations are wrong. And sometimes this is actually good because some people's natural inclinations harm others. 

But most of the time, our natural inclinations harm no one. They would do nothing to harm society. So why does society still try to shame everyone who doesn't fit the little cishet bubble? Because shame has value. If you can shame people into taking the shit jobs and the shit tasks and marrying just to fit in, then all the better.

People against the LGBTQIA+ community, more than anything else, are reluctant to give up their power. They love the cushy self-righteousness that comes from being 'normal' and the ability to control others by shaming them. 

And no, I'm not trying to shame anyone for being cishet. YKINMKATO.  But I will take you to task for believing that your limited ideas about love or what is normal or your parasocial relationship with people who lived thousands of years give you the right to make other people miserable. Let people be free. Let people make their own decisions about their bodies and minds and hearts. 

Accomplished Stuff

Today I had my last session of therapy being a weekly thing. Now it will only be twice a month. I feel pretty good about this, though if I'm honest, I probably feel better about the prospect of having one less obligation than I am about 'oh I'm so much better' because I'm not sure that's exactly true.

I didn't get to go to the park for therapy because it was storming. Most of the early part of the day was dreary, though the evening was beautiful. 

I finished Finrod on Ice and it turned out better than I expected. A character redirected themselves in my brain and I'm really happy about that. It brought a lot of happy emotions to me. SO yay.

Cooler Day

I slept well. I wrote some. We tried to watch a movie and it sucked. For the most part, that was it. 

Depression is trying to hit me again. I'm doing my best not to let it. I know it's because it's been so dark. It's only supposed to be in the low 80s tomorrow. I'll try to go to the park for therapy. I think the park would do me good.

Productive Monday

We finished paying off the bills this morning and went shopping. I published another chapter of Finrod on Ice and plotted around with my Colab story. 

This week is supposed to be stormy and muggy. That's not fun. I'll also need to set up the new computer. I'm going to switch to only going to therapy twice a month. My therapist said she thinks I can handle it. I'm going to try. If it doesn't seem like enough, we'll go back to weekly.

l Spoke Too Soon

Last night, my computer died. Today, we bought a new one. Of course I did not receive it because they were out of stock. In theory, it will arrive tomorrow. We shall see.

I'm annoyed, but not panicked because I have everything backed up on my passport. It's a lesson I had to learn the hard way.

I watched some videos over 11 but the thing is, I've been using Classic Shell so a lot of the features were way beyond what I usually see. Given that I can have multiple desktops, I will see if I can just put CS on one and have full access on the rest.

Annoying Morning

Basically, every obstacle and annoyance that could happen in the morning happened to us. Computer updates. Cars blocking streets. Too much traffic. People slowing things down in the pharmacy because they didn't have the information they needed. Uggh. All of it.

Also, I was annoyed and snappish. I shouldn't have been. 

Anyway, we got home and things were nice after that. Top Chef ended and I was happy with who won. The last challenge was really emotional. 

A Cooler Day

We have some kind of piddling storm last night and it cooled things down. It was nice enough today that I managed to have a decent nap. I also felt okay enough to write. I finished my next installment of Finrod of Ice (not the actual title) and worked some on my art-inspired fic. 

I'll spend the next few days working on that and let the last or next to the last installment of Finrod on Ice roll around in my head so that I get it right. I almost wrote the ending and attached it to this part, but this is a horror story and the pacing has to be correct.