Pain

I didn't sleep well last night and I'm in quite a lot of pain today. I tried to nap for a while this evening, but it didn't help much. I'm still hurting. In fact, the pain has gotten worse throughout the day.

So I guess the task for the next few hours will be to try to distract myself. Hopefully, I'll sleep better tonight and maybe be in less pain tomorrow. 

Plans

We made our little holiday plans tonight. We won't do much, but we deserve to do something. This holiday doesn't have a 'after the fact' clearance to it so we basically have to make do with what we find beforehand. 

Tomorrow both of us have to pick up meds after we go shopping. We really can't do it before the shopping because mine has to be in the fridge as soon as possible. Meanwhile, we have some basic plans for weekend food because we were gifted with some garden veggies!

Surprise

It was supposed to be stupid hot today but we received a reprive in the way of some thunderstorms. It was actually very nicely cold for several hours and never exactly got uncomfortably hot. It isn't cool by any means, but I'm sitting here under just fans and doing fine. 

This was a nice change in what is supposed to be the hottest week we'll have this month. The next three days could all end up in triple digits. I'm not looking forward to that, but, what can I do? 

Head Games

My brain continues to be awful to me. It continues to torment me with the long and painful history of what it's been like to be a fat person. It continues to remind me that I was miserable at 20 when I weighed less than I do now and I will be miserable when I weigh that amount again. 

My brain is wrong. I had obstacles at 20 (at 30), but not like I do now. Things were much easier then, even easier in my earlier 40s. Losing weight, even while still fat, will make my life easier. It's already making my life easier, even with the small amount I have lost. 

So fine brain. Continue to be awful to me. I remember the things you want me to remember. I remember the good things as well.

Normal

We turned the AC on for the first time this year. It's not been HOThot, but it's not always been comfortable during the day. Today we had a chance to feel normal for a while and that was very nice. 

We're watching a PBS show on Sunday night again and that always makes me happy. It's the little things like that, the little rituals, that keep me having joy in my life. 

Speaking of which, The Last Unicorn was not quite as good as I remembered it being, but it was pretty close. I was happy with it and will probably watch it again. 

Revisited

Hulu has The Last Unicorn! It's been so many years since I've seen it. I watched it tonight and enjoyed it as much as I used to as a kid. It's still very of its time, but that's fine. I had a very good experience seeing it again.

I wish I had a copy of The Hobbit cartoon. It's been forever since I've seen that too. 

Summer Day Stuff

The lawn was mowed and this is a good thing. It had been a while and we were a little worried that he wouldn't be doing it due to illness or whatever. You never know. But turns out he's just been busy with other projects. The lawn is mowed.

I saw the first firefly that I've seen in a long while. I was completely thrilled by this. Just such a lovely thing to see today. I'm happy I did. Also, people offered us squash. My roommate claimed we already had some.

It Hit

It got hotter than I could tolerate for a few hours today. We didn't turn on the AC because it didn't last for long, but that probably won't be the case for the rest of the week. But Sunday we could be in three digits. 

So  yeah. Summer is really here now. Whoo.

Smoke

I feel like I'm just writing daily reports of what is happening in my life with no actual inspiration. It's just this time of year, I suppose. It's also, possibly, the fact that I'm on enough meds to keep my brain quiet for the moment. It's something I need, honestly.

Anyway, someone was burning stuff in the neighborhood. I get that people need to do that but I wish they didn't do it so often. We were both suffering because of all the smoke. I'd love to have a few bright, clear days. 

Late Night Storms

Our area wasn't hit too badly but various areas around us were. We had some lightning and some nasty, heavy rain, but otherwise, we were fine. The power didn't even go out. That's actually a little surprising.

Today I was a bit hungry and struggled some. I didn't snack on anything that was out of bounds, but I certainly considered it. Overall, I think I did pretty well. 

Lovely Saturday

We had a few hours of it being hot but for the most part, today was lovely. The evening hours especially were very nice. Right now we have three fans going in the living room and that seems to be enough, even with my oxygen on.

People are starting to shoot fireworks and I'm trying not to let it get to me. Honestly whatever joy people find these days should be celebrated. Things are hard.

Possibly

My streak of wonderful June days could come to a conclusion tomorrow because it's supposed to get hotter. Hopefully it won't, not quite YET. But it's altogether possible. 

I published today and I'm happy that I finally finished this chapter. It's taken me a while. I basically had to just force myself to write a paragraph at a time because it was so hard to focus. It's annoying but right now I need to stay on my meds so I can keep my emotions in check. I'll just have to push through everything else as I can. 

Rough Day

The side effects of my meds were furious and nasty today. I didn't get much sleep last night and didn't even sleep today when I tried to nap. My whole body is mad about what is going on. I thought I would eventually have these level out but they never have. It's tolerable, but only minorly so.

It didn't quite hit 90 but it was close. We had a few hours of it being pretty nasty. I survived. It wasn't as bad as it would have been last year.

Progress Perhaps

So I talked to my doctor's office today and found out the test I took did show (surprise surprise) that I have sleep apnea and need a new CPAP. Hopefuly that will happen soon, but you never know with my equipment provider. At least the nights I had to spend doing that sleep study counted for something besides just discomfort for me. 

Cooler Days

It stormed the other night and cooled the weather down some. It was actually cold last night. This won't last, but it's been nice.

I've been having to nap during the day because sleeping through the night is difficult for me now. I'm doing my best to make it happen, but there is only so much one can do where sleep is concerned. 

Warmer Days

Today it was warmer than it had been. I was actually uncomfortable, but not horribly so. I need to remember I still only have one fan on me.  I think I'm going to see if the other fan can be plugged in closer so I don't have to dodge it while I'm doing my inside walking.

Foodwise, my weekend wasn't great. I ate some things I shouldn't have, though as my roommate pointed out, these were rare things and not something we'll make a habit of. Still, I need to keep in mind that I have limits to what I should consume and stick to my goals. 

Rainy Saturday

It was dark and rainy all day. This was fine because it also meant it was cooler than normal for this time of year. We didn't get a lot of sunlight, but it was still a very enjoyable day.

I was struck by a taste memory from when I was in second grade, a soup my mother made back then but never made after she got rid of that husband. The soup was astounding. The husband was awful.

It's amazing how you can so vividly recall the memory of something you've not eaten in over 40 years.

Progress

Today going into the city was easier than last time. I had in mind what I wanted to eat and my brain didn't bombard me with other ideas. It accepted that we would eat the small, reasonable stuff I planned. We did. It was fine.

There is a great deal of freedom in that, really. It's nice to order what is basically the smallest thing on the menu and know that you're fine with it. You don't need more than that and you don't really want more than that. I didn't feel deprived. 

Aside from just taking the time to educate myself better about the food I'm eating, I think that is the biggest difference I'm experiencing. I'm not deprived when I eat small things. I'm fine when I eat them. Even if whatever I have is very minimal, there are going to be other meals. This is an important lesson for me.

Continuing

Summer is continuing to be mild and lovely. I'm having a really good time. I'm sweaty but that's just how I am. I'm not miserable yet though and that is very wonderful.

Today we paid a bill and took a drive around the area. The grass was green and lovely in all of the fields. There were birds out everywhere and the whole world felt alive. It was a good day.

Beautiful

I know it's going to get warm in a few weeks, but right now the evenings are so nice. It's cool and lovely. This is the kind of June evening I remember from when I was a kid. I know it won't last, but it's just really glorious right now.

I'm doing my best to try and treasure summer as much as I can. I know that summer has a lot of benefits for me, including levels of sunlight. This time of year is as important as the rest of them. 

Perception

 My brain has been busy reminding me of all the things I've been through because of my weight. It's been showing me memories of different points in my life, different ages, different weights, where I was neglected or insulted or passed over or ignored or humiliated because of my size.

This is what my brain is doing. First it's convincing me that I'm not losing anything at all. Second, it's trying to convince me that if I do, it doesn't matter. All down the pathway of my weight, there have been moments of complete pain. Moments of rejection. Moments when other people cast me aside or made fun of me or hated me just because of my size. It won't matter if I weigh 400 lbs, even though it is a struggle to get there. It won't matter when I weigh 300 lbs. I will still be fat. Even when I weigh 200 lbs, I will still be fat. Even though getting down to 200 lbs would be monumental, almost some kind of miracle. It's still so much weight. 

I feel like I've had to work so hard to be seen by people. Most of the time, people just see the weight. They don't see ME as a person. I get that everyone goes through that, but right now it's just really disheartening and frustrating.

Over

The package has been returned to the testing company. It was received today, a whole day earlier than it had to be. This makes me very happy. maybe in a week or so I'll know the results. 

The sleep study wasn't difficult, but it did fill me with a lot of emotions. I felt very sad and lonely when I had all the stuff on. I was nervous that things would break or snap. I was nervous that it would get lost in the mail. 

None of this happened, thankfully. 

June

June rolled in mostly tolerable. Toward the evening it got hotter than I wanted it to be, but for the most part it wasn't bad. We're expecting 90s soon, but that's fine because the AC will go on. 

We don't have a lot of plans for this month and that's for the best. I'd rather stay indoors and cool. I mean, cooler. Hah!