My brain has been busy reminding me of all the things I've been through because of my weight. It's been showing me memories of different points in my life, different ages, different weights, where I was neglected or insulted or passed over or ignored or humiliated because of my size.
This is what my brain is doing. First it's convincing me that I'm not losing anything at all. Second, it's trying to convince me that if I do, it doesn't matter. All down the pathway of my weight, there have been moments of complete pain. Moments of rejection. Moments when other people cast me aside or made fun of me or hated me just because of my size. It won't matter if I weigh 400 lbs, even though it is a struggle to get there. It won't matter when I weigh 300 lbs. I will still be fat. Even when I weigh 200 lbs, I will still be fat. Even though getting down to 200 lbs would be monumental, almost some kind of miracle. It's still so much weight.
I feel like I've had to work so hard to be seen by people. Most of the time, people just see the weight. They don't see ME as a person. I get that everyone goes through that, but right now it's just really disheartening and frustrating.
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