The Bathroom Lurker

When I was a Freshman in high school, a song was made up about how fat I was. They tried to make me sing it on a band trip. I was warned about this ahead of time and didn't go. In fact, I let the situation convince me that my mom was right and I should transfer to another school.

When I got to that other school, they made up a different song about how fat I was.

My home life was terrible. Mom was married to one of her more awful husbands. I was old enough to stand up for myself but not mature enough to gauge when to do so. She had isolated me from my grandparents, my friends from the first school, from her. I had never felt so completely alone.

At this new school, I would walk straight from the bus to the bathroom and hide in a stall to avoid people. I would go straight from my classes to the bathroom and hide in a stall at lunch. No matter how hungry I was, I could not face that lunchroom full of people. The bus came so early I wouldn't have time to eat before I left so it was usually five or so in the evening before I ate my first meal of the day.

The bus rides were the worst. I was insulted. Sexually harassed.  Threatened. I would just close my eyes and be elsewhere in my mind. One guy got really bad about the sexual stuff and I reported him. After he was disciplined (what little there was of that), he threatened to rape me. I said something in bravado like "bring it" though I'm sure it wasn't that exact wording at the time. I knew he wouldn't do anything.

And yet, despite all this, I never even considered bringing a gun to the school and shooting people. I mean, even after I'd been in situations myself where I HAD been shot at, I didn't even entertain the idea of that being an option to handle my problems.

 Instead, I found some other outcasts and befriended them. They became my little tribe at the new school. I took up smoking and listened endlessly to my new friend's stories about fucking her boyfriend. We would listen to Salt&Peppa and talk smack about the popular kids. I stopped hiding. I would hang with her, her boyfriend, and some other outcasts and we'd say shocking things to keep the little bastards away from us.

In the matter of a few weeks, I scraped myself up from the floor and remembered to own my own weirdness. By that point, I knew I could go back to my old high school and be fine.

Is there a point to this? Oh yes. I read some jackass article about how everyone should befriend the loner kids so they won't go shoot up the schools. Maybe the author meant well, but it came off as this blame game thing "oh it's your fault that everyone is being killed because you won't be nice to that weird guy." It pissed me off because the author made some comments about how the people reading this had great support systems.

That isn't always the case. Some of us, many of us, have been in some dire situations where we had to hide and starve and cry and face all manner of hell just to get through the day. We didn't shoot up schools. We didn't sit around WAITING for someone to be nice to us. We did the social work of finding people who would accept us and befriending them.

Yes, it sucks when you're in the bad social position. You have to be the one to get you out of it though. Even though it seems like friendship and companionship and social acceptance come easy to some people, everyone has to work for it. It's a problem to be solved and it can't be solved with violence. That just makes people dislike you moe.

Quick Post

Our time of warmth was brief. It's cold again and threatening to be rainy all week. This is annoying because both my roommate and I have a lot of stuff to do this week. Bah. I have a feeling that is going to cause problems the whole time.

I think I'm going to stay off FB outside of private messages and my games. Things are very political and shitty there right now. This is also very annoying.

I hope everyone has a good weekend.

Hot

It was in the 70s today and just warm enough last night to where I should have turned on a fan. It set my teeth on edge just a little because it means we'll soon start edging into Spring which means we will eventually edge into the dreaded season of summer.

The thing is, I think I dealt with some aspects of cold this year that basically helped me to accept the idea of summer. My chilblains were so bad that I'm still recovering from them. And honestly, this is the first time in weeks that the top portion of my toes hasn't been some rather disturbing color of purple.

With that in mind.....maybe I can be grateful about the warmer weather.

Drained

Basically everyone I know, including me, is really exhausted right now. It's like the usual allotment of spoons we have has been cut in half. People are just dragging around and dreading any kind of activities, even ones they used to enjoy.

Today I had to take out trash and then shower because I have to be gone early in the morning. Right now, I feel like I've been beaten by the tired stick. These are no more activities than I usually do on Wednesday, but I feel just drained of all life right now.

I don't know if it's the weather or the political climate or something else, but I really hope this ends soon. We could do with some more energy.

Finally

Sims4 has been putting out boring stuff for a while now. Laundry? Work out equipment? Pets? Bah! I didn't want any of that! Though of all of it? Honestly, seriously? LAUNDRY?

Anyway, finally, they are putting out something that not only looks fun, but is also something I've been wanting since Sims3 World Adventures. This game pack is going to be about exploring the jungle. It's our second vacation pack since the camping one. We'll be getting back traps and temple exploration. I'm so excited about this! Sims is best when there are puzzles to solve.

Nails

If you read the blog (we'll assume you do), then you know I have an ongoing battle with painting my nails. I've always liked to have my nails done, but I've never been good at it. They always end up looking awful. In fact, a while back I let a 3 yr old paint my nails and they honestly didn't look that much worse than what I usually do.

Because of this, I've never really kept much nail polish around. However, at Christmas, I requested polish. My stepmother not only got me colors, but also a kit that contained base coats, good for your nail coats, and top coats. I'd never really messed with these and you know what? That was honestly half the problem.

My polish was usually off by the next day, peeling and chipping away in the most awful manner. But right now, it's been since Wednesday and my polish is still mostly in place. I have a couple of chips, but for the most part, it's all still here.

So really, one of the reasons I've been bad at this all my life is because I never bothered to really sit down and learn the proper steps to make it work. Now that I'm doing those, I can already see a difference. Who knows, with some practice, my nails may look great in a year or two.

Stairway To . . .

I actually had a really good week of television. Riverdale is just its usual batshit crazy self. Drag Race All-Stars made me laugh out loud so many times. Magicians explored what it means to live a beautiful life and did so in a very cool way.

Best of all, Channel Zero started back up. I had some hesitation about watching this season, as I didn't exactly like the way last season ended. My best friend dvred it and told me to watch the season opener and see what I thought. I did and I'm already hooked. The season is based in a city that is falling into the trappings of urban decay, which is a horror setting I always love. And and AND they are dealing with one of my favorite bits of creepypasta.....stairways that appear out of nowhere!

Anyway, I'll see how it goes. So far, I'm quite pleased.