The Difference

I had to have work done on my mouth today. I've been dealing with this dentist's office since March of last year and I'm very glad I made the decision to do so. This isn't something I like to talk about a lot, but my teeth had gotten really bad. In my case, it was genetic working against me. No matter how hard people tried in my family, bad teeth always seemed to be a thing that happened.

I hated my teeth, my smile, talking to people. I hated going anywhere if people were going to see my teeth. It was really limiting the already rather limited life I had. 

But having my teeth replaced as changed so much for me. I love my smile now. I love talking to people again. I can walk into a room and feel confident. 

While I was at the office today, I told them how much they had changed things for me. I wanted them to understand that the work they're doing can make a massive difference in someone's life. Part of me thinks they hear that all the time, but even if they do, it's always good to remind people when they're having a positive impact on things. 

Procedure Tomorrow

Tomorrow I have to have some more work done on my mouth. I'm so super nervous about it, more so than I thought I would be. I'm just almost shaking about the idea. I will be glad when all of this is over.

I think part of it is that I'm worried things won't go well. There is literally nothing I can or could do about that. This is about something fusing to my jawbone and I had no control over if that happened or not. 

We'll see how it goes. 

Grief And Other States of Being

I dreamed about my dad last night. I dream about him fairly often, actually, but last night it was one of those stressful kind of dreams because he wanted me to do something for him, something that I knew meant a lot to him, but I wasn't sure how to make it happen. 

I dreamed he had a grand piano in his house and he wanted me to find a new home for it. I had no idea how to make that happen because it's such a large instrument. I kept trying to come up with plans for it, but none of them seemed plausible. 

Then tonight when I was making my plans for tomorrow, I thought about how I wanted to call him. I still do that a lot on Sunday and Thursday nights. I always called my dad on Mondays and Fridays. I still want to. I would give anything if I could. 

Grief doesn't really go away, does it? It gets easier over time, but it never really completely leaves. How could it? The person you are mourning is gone. How do actually come to terms with that?

I certainly haven't figured it out. 

Beauty as Liberation

There is a lot of discussion about beauty. There is always a lot of discussion about beauty. These days it's about the massive amount of plastic surgery people are having and the millions spent to keep people looking younger and more desirable. 

I guess I don't see my beauty that way. I suppose because I really have no interest in attracting someone else, I just view my beauty as my canvas, as a display of skill. I don't feel like it has anything to do with anyone else. 

I hate that people DO feel like their looks are dependent on the approval of others. I wish we could move past that as a society. It can get very dark. 

Successful First Day

I did basically everything I'd planned to do yesterday. It went really well, and I was pleased. Tomorrow wasn't quite as successful because I ended up napping when I had planned to do something else. If my body needed to nap, that is the best thing I could do at that time. 

This week is going to be really busy. I have a lot of appointments. Basically, every day will have something happening. I'm not really pleased about that, but fortunately, it's the last week in a while where that will be the case. Things should start slowing down after next week. Though by that I mean I'll still have appointments, just one or two instead of four or something. 

I'm also starting some new medication this next week to help regulate some stuff. I'll need to schedule blood work for about six weeks from now.  

My Words for the Year

For 2026, my words will be enlightenment, creativity, and beauty. I plan to pursue things that promote all three of these concepts. I want my days to be filled with my own creativity or that of other people. I want to have music and art and scents and laughter and wordplay and everything going on to make things better and brighter.

This isn't to take away from what I already have. I want to add to it. I want to take the health, organization, and structure that I cultivated last year and enrich them with beautiful things. 

Year in Reflection

I probably won't read this again until almost 2027, so to me in the future, hi. I hope things are going well. 

So what was this year?

It was the first full year without my father. I think that is a lot of what happened to me, shaped a good deal of what  happened to me this year. That meant I had to deal with some very annoying family issues. I have basically had to write some of my family members off. I hate that, but I really had no choice.

It was a year of bleeding. I had two surgeries this year. With one of them, I bled for days afterward. I bled from times I injured myself. I bled from various cat cuts.

It was a year of changes. I got braver this year. I changed cars. I changed insurance companies. I changed my perspective on letting things go. I changed a lot about my diet and about how I would document my life.

It was a year of expenses. So, so many expenses. 

It was a year of learning. I am now better educated about quite a few subjects. I'm really glad I did that because knowledge, always, is power. 

It was a year of good music. I had my favorites and I listened to them happily. Music really brought me a lot of joy, comfort, assistance, and solace this year. 

I am ending the year with hope, but also some questions. There are people I've not heard from in a long time, and they stayed quiet even after I reached out to them. I am not sure if I will get my motivation back. It's very seriously lacking of late. I know things are easier in the spring for me, but I worry that the motivation and inspiration won't return. I suppose, in time, I'll know.

What do I not want for this next year? No unpleasantness. No unexpected hurts. No more deaths. 

What do I want for this next year? I want to make progress. I want to be proud of myself. I want to feel joy. 

Goodbye, 2025. We learned a lot of things. Hello, 2026. Let's try to make things better.