For Nothing

I don't handle pelvic exams well. Sometimes I'm fine. The lucky times. The rest of the time, reactions can include panic attacks, hives, or crying. For hours afterward, I still feel the violation. 

I knew I couldn't avoid having a pelvic exam the next time I went to the doctor. Because of this, I avoided going to the doctor. That isn't rational, I know, but our reactions to fear aren't rational.

Then we got this letter from the post office saying they would remove the mailbox from our porch and put it out by the street. This causes any number of issues. For one thing, it requires us to put up a mailbox. This isn't an easy thing for disabled people. For another, it means we have to get out there TO said mailbox, which increases in difficulty depending on the weather.

We were given a form to fill out if we wanted to continue to receive mail at our door. It requires a medical provider's statement and signature. 

So I KNEW I had to make an appointment. I knew I couldn't avoid the pelvic exam if I went. I also knew that if I just dropped the form by her office, it might take days for her to have the time to fill it out. 

Now understand, as much as I wanted to avoid the pelvic exam, I actually wanted to avoid playing the 'fill out the form' chase even more. That could lead to days and days of stress and annoyance. That sounded like hell, a far longer hell than the alternative. So I made the appointment.

And every single day before that appointment, I was scared. I dreaded it. I dreaded it so much and I would have to talk myself off the edge and force myself NOT to think about it. And when the stress would get too much, I would remind myself that as much as I hated the idea of enduring the exam, at least the whole mailbox ordeal would be overwith and out of my hands. 

So I went to the appointment. I endured what happened there. I got the signature I needed. 

My roommate talked to the mail carrier. She said it was basically useless to fill out the form because they never really let anyone keep their box. He tells me this and then has to run an errand. I sit there and stew in my anger over the fact that I just dealt with this exam and it was useless....but then I soothed myself by realizing that even if it doesn't work, the annoyance of the paperwork is over and at least I didn't have to play chase with my doctor.

Today we took the form to the post office and they tell us it isn't enough. There were supposed to be some other forms with the one they sent. These forms need to be filled out and oh guess what!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?

There. Is. Another. Formal. Medical. Statement. That. Needs. To. Be. Given. To. My. Medical. Provider. 

I did not want the pelvic exam. I knew I couldn't avoid it if I went into the office. But I went into the office and lived through that because more than anything more than anything I wanted to avoid playing chase with some fucking form.

But no.

We took the form to the clinic. I have to call back tomorrow to remind them we did this because of course my doctor isn't even IN THE OFFICE today. At the earliest, I can, perhaps, get the form on Friday. 

But probably not. I'll probably have to call again. And again. AND AGAIN. And come off as some nag. And come off as some stupid person who didn't have the proper forms. And the one thing in the world that I wanted LESS than someone's fingers inside me is now the thing I will have to deal with for probably days. 

All for nothing, because they almost never actually grant the thing I'm asking for. 

Post Appointment

I have seen the doctor. I had the poking and prodding and blood-taking done. I'm a bit overwhelmed by all of it. I'm treating myself quite gently right now. I don't want to break out in hives. That happens sometimes when I have certain exams done. 

The van was also taken to the mechanic. They said they fixed it. Hopefully, they did. We're all sick of Van Drama. 

Tomorrow Dread

Ugh. I have to go to the doctor's tomorrow. Ugh, I have to let them do invasive stuff to me. Ugh, I don't want to. 

I want to just sit in the house and work on some writing and hold my needy cat and forget I even have a body. 

I hate going to the doctor. I hate having to feel like I have to justify my existence. I hate having to expose myself and be bled and poked and prodded and all the rest of that. Hate it so much. 

Why yes, I am an adult. Why yes, I am acting like a child. 

The Price

This is one of the many videos more open and love-based religious people have been posting about the current situation with Evangelicals and Trump. I posted this one because I think one of the points he makes is important and very sad.

I said that any time a faith-based organization sells its integrity for worldly power, the cost will always be immense. In this case, because so many church leaders pushed their people toward Trump and right-wing radicalism, the cost was their congregation. In many cases, they will never be able to pull these people back from their current state. They have left Christianity and now belong to a hate cult. 

It's scary to think about. And I have to wonder how many of these church leaders realized how far this would go. In some cases, they will now find that their flock would rather burn down the church than walk away from Trump. 

It's going to take a long time for the church to recover from this. In some cases, they might not.

Dark Saturday

I am not sure there was sun today. It was so dark and dreary. It finally started raining and the rain sounds cold and thick. 

I checked the forecast and thankfully Tuesday won't be wet. I have to deal with going to the doctor and having something rather invasive happen. My plan was to just go back home and hide in my room for a while afterward, but circumstances changed and I have to go out and deal with some other stuff afterward. Sigh.

Anyway, Scribbles and Drabbles dropped today. My stories haven't gotten much traction, but the collection is huge so I'm not too worried yet. I know my work is good.

Thanksgiving

 The meal was very good. I took a nap. The cat has decided she should sit on my lap and be hidden under a blanket. Cats are weird.

I hope your day went well.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving

Am I thankful?

Yes. I have read great things this year. I have listened to excellent podcasts. I have written and written and written. I found some outstanding music and got back into some vampire stuff. Which is fun. So fun.

The world is crumbling around us. People are insane and violent and feel entitled to kill and destroy. I can't change that. I can't stop that. Monsters only change when they want to. The best you can do is keep yourself safe if you can. 

Dust Bunnies

I needed to replace a shelf thing. Okay, honestly, I need a long dresser but given that I can't afford that and have no idea how I would get it in the house, I have cheaper easier-to-handle solutions.  One of them broke and so I replaced it.

I decided to use this to do some room organizing. I cleared out a billion dust bunnies, removed all the outdated hair/beauty stuff, and put all the boxes into one box. 

The storage unit that broke was scavenged for the parts that still work. I turned one of them into storage in my room for something else and the other two shelves now function as storage in the living room. 

Everything looks better. It's not ideal, but it's better. Hopefully it will stay that way for a while. 

Smile

I watched Smile. I really liked it. It had a better kind of version of the plot of It Follows. Say what you want about nepobabies, Sosie Bacon is a phenomenal actor. She really sold this movie. 

I'm also listening to The Silt Verses and it is incredible. It delves into faith and corruption and corporate jadedness so well. I've been consistently blown away by the episodes. 

Cold and Wet Friday

The van still isn't starting well. We're taking it in on Tuesday. Hopefully, it will be fixed this time. The van is old, but hopefully, we have a few more years out of it. Going into the holiday week, I'm looking for a time of peace and quiet. We need that.

I worked on my knitting some today. Mostly I just held the very cold cat. 

Needless Trouble

Okay, I needed to make a doctor's appointment but I really resent that events caused me to HAVE TO do so. So I guess I'm going to the doctor on the 29th to get some stuff handled that probably won't get handled. Ugh. So annoying. 

I posted a chapter. I did zero knitting today because somehow this whole thing is now a THING. 

I just want to be left the hell alone, in peace, to think my own thoughts and make my own stories and art. I don't see why that is too much to ask.

Warmer

I finished one arm warmer today. It's black and purple checkers. I'm going to do the other one in black and tan (I ran out of purple), make it with a tighter stitch, and add a check. Hopefully, I'll have that one finished by Friday.

I took a nap today. I'm staying tired due to the darkness and cold. The cats are as well. One has been camped out on my shoulder most of the day. She's staying as close to me as possible. 

November Snow

It snowed! It was just a light dusting, but still! It snowed in November and that is just so crazy!

I'm making arm warmers because my jacket's arms aren't long enough. This is an annoying thing that often happens to my long-sleeved clothes. Making arm warmers will help deal with that. 

And okay, clearly, as it's snowing before Thanksgiving, it's possible we could have a pretty cold winter.

The Weird Song

I may have mentioned this before, but there is a song on my MP3 player from about 10 years ago that doesn't exist. Seriously.

So it was this free download back when I first joined Facebook and they had stuff like that with their music promotion. I loved the song so much. But when my grandmother died, I associated it with her death for some reason and stopped listening to it, then I switched the player I was listening to music on and the GoGear got put away.

A few years ago, I wanted to hear the song again and looked it up. And could not find it. Anywhere. I thought maybe I had the band's name wrong and just brushed it off as my aging memory. 

Recently my current music player died and I pulled the GoGear back out. I also put all of the music I had stored on it onto my computer. And in the files was That Song. I listened to it and realized I wasn't wrong about the band name or the title of the song. 

It's just...I still can't find it anywhere when I Google it. I tried to find the lyrics and I can't find it that way either. I think this song is a Mandela thing. 

Finished Fics

The three fics I did for Scribbles and Drabbles have been submitted. I've been working on them off and on for a while and it's nice to know I completed them.

I did this challenge because I only had to write 100 words, which took some of the pressure off of the situation. One of them is about 1000 and the other one is very close to being 2000. The last one, however . . .

Okay, the last one is 10,000. It is a supremely indulgent gothic romance with vampires. Written as a series of letters. Like I said, SO indulgent. I love it so much though. 

Finished Scarf

I finished my new infinity scarf. I like this one better than the other one. I think it will be the public scarf and the first one will be the one I wear around the house to keep warm. 

Trying to get the final bits ready for my submissions to Scribbles and Drabbles. I have the link to one artist's work but not the other two. Hopefully, I'll have those by tomorrow. If not, I can always add them later, of course. 

Intense Day

Therapy was a lot today. It kind of wrecked me. It hurt. I mean, it needed to, really. It ripped me apart. I'm not sure if I'm okay, honestly. I'm just not sure. 

In any case, it was a step, I think. It just hurt a lot and I'm still reeling from it. 

Ready

I finished my editing about 20 minutes ago. I did my work for therapy this week. I mailed my ballot in several weeks ago. In short, I've done what I can to be prepared if these midterm elections put a bunch of conservatives in power.

I would also like to point out that it pisses me off that I have to take steps like this. If our country was sane and reasonable, I wouldn't have to do any of this. Outside of the president and a couple of key members of congress, I shouldn't HAVE to know the names of these people. I shouldn't have to worry about how they may wreck my life or what stupid crap they may say. 

If things were decent and reasonable, we would not elect people who would dream of wrecking the lives of others or saying horrible, evil things about citizens of their own country. If they wanted to change things and truly believed in those changes, they would take steps to ensure that their changes didn't cause harm. They would do the work, the actual work needed to make sure people didn't suffer. 

Unfortunately, that isn't the country I live in. It should be. It's not unreasonable that it COULD be. But it isn't, and that makes me very tired.

Friday Observations

There was a big storm tonight and I freaked out a little. Again. I'm not sure how often this is going to happen. Probably until I have some kind of assurance that wat happened this summer won't happen again. 

It sucks that I can't even enjoy storms anymore. I used to, you know. But I guess that's gone now.

I need to pay more attention to things. I was thinking about crap I can't control and almost knocked into someone while changing lanes. It was stupid and I'm pretty pissed at myself about it. 

I need to edit stuff tonight. Probably best I get the bulk of my editing finished before Tuesday. I can't control what happens on Tuesday. I can only control my ability to edit until it happens. 

Inspired

The last two stories I wrote for my AU just really changed things around. One of them was just a fun little smut thing for a fan, but I gave some details about characters I'd not considered before. Now I think I want to alter things somewhat. Just a bit. It still works with what had been planned, but it adds some to it. Ties up some loose ends. 

ALSO, I think I'm finished with the side projects. I have a week to edit them. Two will be easy as they're small. The other one is bigger but if I space it out, it shouldn't be too much trouble. So yay on that. No, seriously YAY. I've been working on those for a while now.

I finished TMA. The ending was logical, but two of the characters did something I really hate. Still though, very worth my time. Glad I listened to it. Seriously. Wow. Amazing work.

Quiet Wednesday

Today was quiet and mostly easy. We found out they'll be working on our gas line (which is curious, as they just did that this summer) but hopefully, it won't screw anything up. We just recently got a new heater and I don't want things going wrong with it already.

I'll probably finish The Magnus Archives tonight. I wrote some already and will knit as I listen. 

One of the crochet pattern makers that I follow is putting out a free pattern for a loose hooded tunic thing on Monday. She said it will go up to 5X. That isn't big enough for me but given that I often crochet large anyway, maybe I could make it work with some experimenting. If nothing else, it will be fun just to do the pattern on one of the kid sizes (if I can manage it). That's for later though. Deeper into winter. 

Skating Along

The cheap phone I was using as a non-phone media device died. I didn't have tons on it, just some games and music, a few books. Still, it kept me entertained and allowed me to listen to stuff while I was waiting in the car. 

Not sure how that will get replaced, but in the meantime, I have my ancient of days mp3 player charging. I'm hoping I didn't factory reset it before I stopped using it and all its music is still on there. 

In a strange way, I feel a little excited about this. It's been so long since I used this one and post-Trump life just feels so fraught that something from the Obama Era seems safe and clean and happy.