Looking Forward

It's New Year's Eve. I have a friend coming over and we'll be having pizza and conversation. That should be fun. She gets to see my new cat.

Tomorrow is the start of the new year. We'll be shopping in the morning and then I'll have my black-eyed peas for good fortune for the year. Hopefully that works this year.

The first of the year is also wonderful because it's when people in all of the yarn groups show off their year long blankets. I absolutely love looking at those. I love looking at all the books people read. I love any celebration of progress. It always makes me happy.

This year was a mixed bag. There was a lot of stress but I made a new friend and I accomplished some goals.  There are things about 2024 that scare me (like the election) but for the most part, I'm just going to try to keep working on the stuff I started in 2023 and hope for the best.

Happy New Year.

Almost Over

The year is almost over. We have plans for New Year's Eve, which is unusual and may not actually happen. Hopefully it does though. When this year began, I was starting a project that will take me many years to complete, but this year's part of it went well. 

Also when this year began, we only had Millie. We were still reeling from Tink's death. I don't think we're really over her death yet, but we have a new kitten now, and that's a pretty neat thing. 

Growing Pains

It's been a long time since I've dealt with a kitten. I think in my 20s I was more emotionally and physically active and I could handle the stress that a kitten brings to a situation better than I do now. 

I love him a lot, but I'm older and his constant need to climb on curtains and on the highest shelves and on everything else is on my last nerve. It's a lot. I know he'll grow out of a good deal of this, but right now it's a lot to handle. 

Perhaps I'm stressed because I've not done anything creative in a while. I don't even FEEL creative right now. Sigh. 

Over

My birthday is over. Christmas is over. 

I suppose for what I expected out of them, they were good. There were high points. I talked to my cousin for quite a bit last night and that was good. Our meal today was excellent. 

My roommate and I have carved out rituals for ourselves throughout the month. Things we watch. Things we consume. Places we go. So much of the holiday season is sensory. We both know we can be overwhelmed by that, so small bits at a time are the best.

We'll keep our decorations up until New Year's and then they'll be packed away until next December. I'm going to enjoy our lights for another week and feel happy about them. 

I won't say my holiday was perfect, but it was good enough.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow I am turning 50. This seems unreal to me. It's so many years. It's so strange that I've lived this long. I don't feel old. I just feel odd. I mean, odder than usual.

My birthday will happen with no fanfare. We're going to the store. We're having leftovers. It's supposed to storm. I suppose having a low-key day is for the best. 

It just seems so unreal. 

Not Easy

I went to my family's holiday gathering. Overall, it was alright. Yet, whenever I come home, I always feel like crying. I feel unsafe, even though I know I was safe. I'm not sure why I feel this way but I do. I'm glad I'm home. Maybe I just spend too much time at home. I'm glad I'm safe. Even though I wasn't in any danger. I'm glad I'm not panicking now. 

Trying

My roommate and I had a talk about failure the other day, in terms of things we fail to do as adults but find ways around. Neither of us do the holiday season in a traditional way. We have our small rituals and our own small decorations and they make us happy, but sometimes we wonder if we're failing at being adults because we don't do all the things the adults did when we were little.

I wonder about this as well as I paint my nails. I never do a good job with them. They always look bad. The thing is, I kind of let them look bad because it suits my goblin kind of style. It doesn't change the fact that they are messy though. It just means I'm tailoring my style to suit my limited skills. Is that better or worse?

The thing is, I'm just not sure one way or the other.

Soon

This time next week, I'll be one day away from my birthday. I'll be turning 50. This seems unreal to me. Sometimes I feel like I'm that old but I never feel like I'm that wise. It seems like people who are that age should have things more together than I do. I'm just a dumpster fire of a person most of the time. 

I guess it's something I'll have to come to terms with. I'm just not sure how.

Distractions

I've been needing a new distraction and found it in the form of someone's Sims 4 video series. They're going through the decades, starting in the year 1300. There are all kinds of rules they have to follow and dice rolls they have to do for historical events. It's a lot of fun to watch and it's keeping me nice and distracted, which is good.

The kitten continues to grow and thrive. I'm happy about that. We were worried about him when he first came into the house but now he seems to be really doing well. We joke that the other cat sees that as a justification for us getting rid of him. 

As for Millie herself, she's calmed down somewhat to the idea of another cat in the house. They chase each other and fight, but it all seems to be nice and playful. Perhaps she was more lonely for companionship than she realized.

The Unexpected View

Back when video cameras were all the rage, one of my second cousins had one. He recently found footage of my grandparents and posted it.

I can't even explain how this made me feel. I've not heard my grandfather's voice for over 30 years and suddenly there it was. I heard my grandmother's laugh. I heard her trying to be relevant to a conversation and failing in only the way she could. 

I know that last sentence sounds harsh but it's what happened and it's something she did often. It was part of the basis of her personality. She didn't relate well to others and that is just so true to who she was a person. 

I have so many emotions about this video. I've watched it like fifty times. Wow. I'm so glad he saved it.

Cuts

I'm covered in cuts from the new kitten. My right arm is bad. My left arm is really bad. My right foot is pretty bad too. He's little and clumsy and can't help it really. He'll learn to handle himself better but for right now, there are a lot of cuts on me.

It hurts when he first cuts me but after that they don't really hurt. They itch some and they look awful, but they're not causing me any pain. I'm thankful for that and thankful that none of them are very deep. Then again, as small as his claws are, he can't get that deep anyway. 

Missing Her

This time last year, I still had this beautiful girl in my life. Tink was very old by this point, but she was still functioning pretty well. It wasn't until the last few days of her life that she got really bad. 

I've never had a cat love me as much as she did. She didn't love me for a long time. For quite a while, she just hissed at me when I would come in the room. But then one day she decided she loved me and we were best friends from that point on. Mind you, she was still a pill. She still growled at me when I displeased her and she clawed me whenever I crossed one of her lines. She even bit me, but that was fine because she didn't have any teeth. Well, she had one tooth, and did manage to dig that into my flesh one time, but only that once.

In any case, I miss her so much. I wish she was still with us, even though I know she would have very much DISAPPROVED of the kitten. 
 

Better

Things seem to be better. The plumbing stuff is handled and it didn't cost us as much as we thought it would. The kitten seems to be settling down better and the older cat is something to some level of understanding with her.

I have one fic waiting to be revealed as part of an event. When it goes live, I will have written 100 pieces of fanfiction in the last two years. That's an accomplishment I'm very proud of.

I feel like I should celebrate that somehow or reward myself in some way. I'm just not sure how at the moment. 

Calm

The plumbing issue isn't settled yet and I'm not sure when it will be. Hopefully someone will show up tomorrow to fix this but right now we're just in that place where we're playing tag with them. It's frustrating and it makes me nervous that things will continue to go wrong all month long. I really don't want that given that I have other stuff to do. But in the meantime, the kitten is cute and will remain cute no matter what else happens. I'm trying my best to stay calm.
 

December Woes

My birthday month always comes with its own stresses. There is the complicated dance of making holiday plans with my family. There are worries about whether I'll be fit for company. There is just the strangeness of knowing that I'll be turning a year older and the pain of knowing how little that matters.

To add to that, today one of our pipes busted. We're having to deal with it until Monday when HOPEFULLY the plumbing people will get here to fix it. It's going to be very expensive. 

I didn't need this. I'm in enough of a crisis about this month and its activities as it is. I didn't need more stress on top of that.

But here we are.