Writing Again

I keep a daily journal of various things going on in my life. It started out as just a log about what I would eat in the day, but then expanded to include my calories, my protein, how I felt that day, my plans for tomorrow, and three things I felt proud about. I added this last one most recently. I thought it would help promote my self-esteem.

For several days now, though not in a row, I've mentioned in that list of three that I enjoyed the blog post I wrote. I didn't do this for lack of anything else to jot down. I did it because I actually was really happy with those posts.

I realized it was the first time I'd actually mentioned my own writing in a while. I was writing quite a lot, I always have, but after my dad died, that got so much more difficult. There were things I stopped writing altogether, including, for a while, this blog. I think it was a needed break though. Though my sense of self is strong, I've been in a process of reinvention. I needed to keep what was going on in my head fairly private, mostly because it was a maelstrom of thought.

Even before the blog break, I wasn't happy with the content of the blog. I was basically just dialing it in, mostly because I just really didn't feel like I had much inside me that wasn't big, sad, orphan feelings. I mean, I still have those. I'm still in that place, but I'm not sleeping 16 hours a day and spending most of my awake time just staring off into space.

I've been doing this blog for a long time. So many, many things have changed for me over the years and yet in some ways, so many things haven't changed. But I have plans and goals right now for the first time in a long time and it's fun to explore them.