I'm seriously tired. It's been a long day and I need a lot of sleep. Weeks of sleep. Years of sleep. Sleep sleep sleep.
The trip to the gyno just really threw me for a loop. I thought I'd be past it by now, but honestly that isn't happening. Emotionally I'm still deeply fragile. I cried on the way home today and I'm not even sure why.
Uggh. No more surprise gyno visiting.
Thursday, August 23, 2018
Wednesday, August 22, 2018
Modest Mice
In public, I dress modestly. Loose black shirt, loose black pants. Everything is covered, you know, unless there is wind or something rides up. This is given the addition of a hoodie and a hat in the winter. Occasionally, if it is too hot, I'll put on shorts (again, loose, usually down to my knee). The way I dress makes me comfortable, although it is hot during the summer. It's what I want to wear.
Now, I don't do this for modesty reasons. I do this because I want to be comfortable and not be pulling on my clothes to adjust them all the time. How other people react to them is never an issue for me. My clothes are about my comfort level and I believe that is how it should be for everyone.
You should dress at your own comfort level. If that is wandering around in a speedo, fine. If that is waltzing through life in a burqa, fine. If this is wearing insulting t-shirts, fine. If this is wearing a tailored suit, fine.
People will judge you based on how you dress. In some cases, it is just a passing thought. "Businessman." "Mall chick." In other cases, they get a whole range of emotions. Whatever these people think about how you dress, ignore them. Their opinions about your comfort level are not important. That is their issue to deal with. Don't give them any power in making it yours.
The same is true for us as well, of course. If someone wears something that offends us, for whatever reason, it isn't our place to try and edit them. If you don't like it, just ignore them. Let them live their lives. It's not harming you.
We have better things to do with our time than police other people's clothing.
Now, I don't do this for modesty reasons. I do this because I want to be comfortable and not be pulling on my clothes to adjust them all the time. How other people react to them is never an issue for me. My clothes are about my comfort level and I believe that is how it should be for everyone.
You should dress at your own comfort level. If that is wandering around in a speedo, fine. If that is waltzing through life in a burqa, fine. If this is wearing insulting t-shirts, fine. If this is wearing a tailored suit, fine.
People will judge you based on how you dress. In some cases, it is just a passing thought. "Businessman." "Mall chick." In other cases, they get a whole range of emotions. Whatever these people think about how you dress, ignore them. Their opinions about your comfort level are not important. That is their issue to deal with. Don't give them any power in making it yours.
The same is true for us as well, of course. If someone wears something that offends us, for whatever reason, it isn't our place to try and edit them. If you don't like it, just ignore them. Let them live their lives. It's not harming you.
We have better things to do with our time than police other people's clothing.
Tuesday, August 21, 2018
Over
The evil appointment is over. The trip is over. We had a very good meal. The rest of it was pretty universally awful. They said my stuff looked fine. I have to come back in six months.
My body finally relaxed a little today. It's kind of shocking the level of PTSD this whole situation throws me into. I don't know that cancer/surgery/loss of organs was the worst thing in my life, but it's the most recent hell, so it's the fresh one.
I'm tired and my body is protesting the whole ordeal. I'm itchy. Hopefully, by the weekend, I'll be somewhat recovered.
My body finally relaxed a little today. It's kind of shocking the level of PTSD this whole situation throws me into. I don't know that cancer/surgery/loss of organs was the worst thing in my life, but it's the most recent hell, so it's the fresh one.
I'm tired and my body is protesting the whole ordeal. I'm itchy. Hopefully, by the weekend, I'll be somewhat recovered.
Sunday, August 19, 2018
Good News
I found out Friday that I've been approved to get my wheelchair. It should be here in about two weeks. I'm cautiously happy about this. There are still things that could go wrong. They could have ordered the wrong size or it may not work for whatever reason.....but those aspects are fixable. The process has started.
I'm still not happy about things coming to this point, but here we are. At least this way I can sit comfortably in more places and go to more places without having to spend two days' past it trying to recover. I had to skip seeing my best friend last week because everything unavoidable was going to tire me out too much. Hopefully, that won't be a problem anymore.
I am very grateful for this.
I'm still not happy about things coming to this point, but here we are. At least this way I can sit comfortably in more places and go to more places without having to spend two days' past it trying to recover. I had to skip seeing my best friend last week because everything unavoidable was going to tire me out too much. Hopefully, that won't be a problem anymore.
I am very grateful for this.
Saturday, August 18, 2018
The Realness
On a lot of personality-based reality shows (ANTM, RPDR) there is this constant thing the judges always ask for. They want people to let go of the persona they're presenting and let who they really are shine through. They often refer to this as 'vulnerability' though I believe that isn't exactly the proper term. It's close, but being vulnerable means exposing weakness. I don't think that showing the genuine side of who you are is the same as that.
However, I believe the reason Shane Dawson has been able to sustain his YouTube career is that he is, naturally, so good at letting who he really shines through. Mind you, most of the time he's in character. He's playing the persona of Shane Dawson, a constructed YouTube personality based on his funnier side, his more whacky side. He's very entertaining when he does that.
However, there are also moments when he drops the character and is just himself. These moments aren't planned. There is no script of 'now I'm going to be me.' He just lets himself be open enough to the moment to allow himself to do this.
The latest example of this happened on the third installment of his day of pretending to be Jeffery Star. Dressed as Star, Shane followed the fashion icon around, seeing what it was like to live his life. Shane was overwhelmed by the expense of his Gucci clothes (well over 3000$) and price of the bag he was carrying (36,000$). He marveled at Star's cars, all custom and expensive and on brand Star Pink. He expected that stuff though, so while he knew it would be expensive, he was still able to roll with it, cracking jokes, playfully mocking things, being the clown.
Then Star took him to his warehouses, the place where his empire is really founded. Suddenly faced with the fact that Star had truly created an empire requiring a block of business buildings, organization, and true business savvy, Shane was left speechless. He stared at things in quiet awe, trying his best to ask questions, to process what he was seeing. You could watch as it dawned on him that Star wasn't just this amazingly queeny internet personality, he was a true businessman, with employees (over 100), and someone who had built his brand into a viable business.
Seeing Shane react to this is the true genius of who Dawson is. He didn't try to control or produce the moment. He let it happen as it happened. He let himself stammer, asked questions off the top of his head, repeated himself. He let himself be a real person, as it was dawning on him that Star was, also, truly a real person, a deeper and more complex person than he allowed himself to be shown in public. And as he did this, he allowed everyone watching with him to realize this same thing, all without hitting them over the head with it.
As I've mentioned before, Shane Dawson is someone I've followed for years. He's talented, but even more than that, he has a very beautiful charisma that radiates when he is open with what is happening in his moments. Even though he has admitted to a lot of insecurity about who he is, I think that the inner core of openness, of being so real, is what draws people to him.
However, I believe the reason Shane Dawson has been able to sustain his YouTube career is that he is, naturally, so good at letting who he really shines through. Mind you, most of the time he's in character. He's playing the persona of Shane Dawson, a constructed YouTube personality based on his funnier side, his more whacky side. He's very entertaining when he does that.
However, there are also moments when he drops the character and is just himself. These moments aren't planned. There is no script of 'now I'm going to be me.' He just lets himself be open enough to the moment to allow himself to do this.
The latest example of this happened on the third installment of his day of pretending to be Jeffery Star. Dressed as Star, Shane followed the fashion icon around, seeing what it was like to live his life. Shane was overwhelmed by the expense of his Gucci clothes (well over 3000$) and price of the bag he was carrying (36,000$). He marveled at Star's cars, all custom and expensive and on brand Star Pink. He expected that stuff though, so while he knew it would be expensive, he was still able to roll with it, cracking jokes, playfully mocking things, being the clown.
Then Star took him to his warehouses, the place where his empire is really founded. Suddenly faced with the fact that Star had truly created an empire requiring a block of business buildings, organization, and true business savvy, Shane was left speechless. He stared at things in quiet awe, trying his best to ask questions, to process what he was seeing. You could watch as it dawned on him that Star wasn't just this amazingly queeny internet personality, he was a true businessman, with employees (over 100), and someone who had built his brand into a viable business.
Seeing Shane react to this is the true genius of who Dawson is. He didn't try to control or produce the moment. He let it happen as it happened. He let himself stammer, asked questions off the top of his head, repeated himself. He let himself be a real person, as it was dawning on him that Star was, also, truly a real person, a deeper and more complex person than he allowed himself to be shown in public. And as he did this, he allowed everyone watching with him to realize this same thing, all without hitting them over the head with it.
As I've mentioned before, Shane Dawson is someone I've followed for years. He's talented, but even more than that, he has a very beautiful charisma that radiates when he is open with what is happening in his moments. Even though he has admitted to a lot of insecurity about who he is, I think that the inner core of openness, of being so real, is what draws people to him.
Thursday, August 16, 2018
Mixed News
Today was a mixed bag for me. On one hand, I found out the request I made of the Tulsa clinic would not be honored. They don't have what I need and TOO BAD! they also won't be getting it to help me. The thing is, I may be fatter than most people, but I'm not THE only person of my size around. It would do people of my size a lot of good to have equipment and items that work for them, but far be it from the medical establishment to help anyone. The stupid thing is, even people who weren't this big could still use the equipment. It would be fine for everyone.
This was frustrating and disheartening. However, about an hour after that, Sims did a major update and tossed a lot of free content at us. I get why they're doing it. Most of the free stuff they send out is multicultural. It's to help people of other backgrounds and cultures to feel the Sims experience represents them as well. I love the pack, honestly. It's nice and tropical.
If you're wondering how one actually made up for the other, I guess all I can tell you is that this is my usual coping mechanism. The serious real-life thing didn't happen, so I'm soothing my brain with the toy/make-believe thing. It doesn't alter the reality, but it keeps me from dwelling on it. Right now, any little bit of that sort of thing helps.
This was frustrating and disheartening. However, about an hour after that, Sims did a major update and tossed a lot of free content at us. I get why they're doing it. Most of the free stuff they send out is multicultural. It's to help people of other backgrounds and cultures to feel the Sims experience represents them as well. I love the pack, honestly. It's nice and tropical.
If you're wondering how one actually made up for the other, I guess all I can tell you is that this is my usual coping mechanism. The serious real-life thing didn't happen, so I'm soothing my brain with the toy/make-believe thing. It doesn't alter the reality, but it keeps me from dwelling on it. Right now, any little bit of that sort of thing helps.
Wednesday, August 15, 2018
Wet
This is a strange August. It's raining, even flooding in some areas near me. Normally this is the hottest month of the year. It seems that this year decided to switch things up.
In between the bouts of rain, we got my oil changed and the tires looked at. I also called the doc's office to find out about the progress on getting my chair. So far, nothing. The hell of medical drama is that it stays medical drama until it's solved.
Tomorrow I plan to get as much rest as possible. I'm trying not to stress about the trip to Tulsa on Monday, but to be honest I kind of hope it floods out to where I can't go and then I'll just not make another appointment until December. Yes, this is how my demented brain works.
In between the bouts of rain, we got my oil changed and the tires looked at. I also called the doc's office to find out about the progress on getting my chair. So far, nothing. The hell of medical drama is that it stays medical drama until it's solved.
Tomorrow I plan to get as much rest as possible. I'm trying not to stress about the trip to Tulsa on Monday, but to be honest I kind of hope it floods out to where I can't go and then I'll just not make another appointment until December. Yes, this is how my demented brain works.
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