Gold Ribbons

I finished a fic today that's been a year or so in the making. I found it about three months ago. It tackled the idea of Fingon, several years after his rebirth, retreating from Tirion and establishing his own household on the far banks of Aman. Over time, his settlement grows, he brings Maedhros out of Mandos, and ends with their marriage. 

It was one of the first fics I started, back when I had less of an understanding of who these characters were. The fic introduced me to various fanon concepts I've come to embrace and I'm grateful for that. 

I was aware of Russingon (the Maedhros/Fingon ship) before this, in fact, recognized it had to be A THING just from the canon story itself, but this fic helped to flesh certain aspects of it out to me. Fingon's gold hair ornaments (either bands or ribbons) are pretty well known.

In this fic, he wore ribbons. After his death, Maedhros kept some of them and basically carried them as a love/mourning token until his own death. Even after that, Elrond kept one of them as a memento to his foster father and the great love he'd lost. He presents the ancient ribbon to Fingon as proof of how devoted to him Maedhros stayed. 

This part of the story was so very well written. It's the moment I really fell in love with the story, just this idea of such deep love and loss. I knew I would finish it to the end. 

Speaking of, the last chapter of the fic dropped today. It ended well and I will miss it. 

Somewhat Better

I'm not as ill today. I'm still not feeling 100, but it's closer. We were supposed to do Things yesterday but opted to put them off and just try to recover. I think it was the best decision.  

I have a bit of a headache right now, but that's from putting numbers into a machine. I stopped so hopefully my head will clear. I'm also hotter than I should be because the cat refused to leave my lap for a while. Thankfully she's gone now.

I had some small goals today and I met them. So yay me.

Desk Issues

I need a new desk. The one I have now is old and starting to be nonfunctional. I need to reorganize my space and to do so, it would be helpful if I had a new desk. Finding a new desk is proving to be difficult.

Things I HAVE TO consider about a new desk.

Desk size: The desk is in my living room. It really can't be too big. At the same time, it also needs to be the right height. And depth. I really can't budge too much on this aspect of the desk.

Strong wheels: I have to be able to move the desk around, so I need it to either slide well or to have strong wheels. Not just those little plastic wheels, good wheels. Industrial wheels. 

Budget: As this is a daily use/long-term use item, I don't mind spending a reasonable amount on it. Reasonable is the keyword here though. Desks can get expensive very quickly.

Functionality: The desk needs to function for me. It needs to move, hold my computer and computer pieces, be sturdy, and not in the way.

Things I don't HAVE TO consider, but would still like:

Storage: I can get away without a lot of storage on the desk because I have other storage items, but more storage is always welcome.

Stylish: This desk is in the living room and I would like it to be attractive. This isn't a dealbreaker for me, but it would please me if I could have it.  

So, this doesn't, in my mind, seem like a long list of requirements. I've been looking for a new desk for almost a year though, and I have so far found NOTHING that meets my needs. Nothing. I've found some compromises that I was almost willing to make, but just couldn't bring myself to, but nothing perfect. Nothing anywhere even near perfect.

It's very frustrating. I would love to just design my own desk, but I'm guessing that would be way out of my budget. 

The search continues

 

Still Ill

I'm fortunate that the weather isn't so bad right now. That would make the ick I'm feeling so much worse. As it is, I'm tired and drained. My breathing is pretty bad tonight. The humidity is up, which is probably the reason for that.

My stomach was betterish today. I'm still not in a great place with it, but at least it wasn't as bad as the day before. Hopefully, I'll get some decent sleep tonight.

Ill

My roommate and I have been ill for the last several days. I'm basically to the point of almost fearing food because I'm not happy about what it will do to my stomach. This is pretty awful. It needs to calm down and stop.

Aside from that, it was a pretty good day. The weather was mild. I was able to sleep well last night and function today without lamenting the world. We watched a show tonight that, always before, I've watched on my computer. It's weird to see it on the TV. The screen size makes such a difference. 

Storming

It's storming right now so I'll keep this short. The storm is wonderful. It cooled things down a lot and I'm really grateful for that because today has been muggy and awful. 

We're both hitting that point where even thinking about food is making us ill. Meals will be sketchy for a while. Probably until September. We'll just get by on whatever we actually feel we can stomach. 

Perhaps that won't be a problem tomorrow if this storm actually keeps things cool for a bit.

Early Post

As I am in a relatively decent mood, I thought I'd post early.  I slept well and it isn't hot yet, so those aspects of my life are better than they have been. I've been such a grumpy bitch lately. 

However, the whole 'feels horrible during summer' thing has me thinking about how close Maedhros came to actually becoming an orc. For those who don't know, in JRRT's work, elves could become orcs through torture and pain. Maedhros was tortured in Angband for some years before being rescued. He was an elf raised in Aman and in possession of a lot of mental fortitude. He had a strong support system when he came home. These things helped him not losing himself. One could argue that dealing for centuries with his father might have also given him a certain resistance to pain and domineering personalities. 

It also helped that he had a lot to focus on. He had to try and handle his brothers. He had his own followers who needed him to lead them. He had Fingon . . . either way you choose to read that relationship, they clearly cared about each other, either as friends or more. After all of this was lost to him, Maglor kidnapped adopted Elrond and Elros, given Maedhros a new motivation to keep going. 

Yet despite all of that, he still gave up his kingdom, moved to an isolated fortress called Ever Cold so he could watch Morgoth, killed his own people, attacked a refugee camp, stole things, and committed suicide.

My current theory is that the orcism was always there, doing its best to push up and take over. He fought it, but as the years passed and he lost more and more, fighting it was increasingly difficult.

And really, maybe it was the Oath that kept him from it. When Maedhros and Maglor took the Silmarils and their hands were burning because of it, I think Maedhros reached this point of no return. The Oath was as fulfilled as he could make it and still and still and still things were worse. There was more pain. I think he lost the war with the orc taking over at that moment and fell into the fires because it seemed like the better option. 

I know a lot of people dislike how the earlier histories of Arda are darker than what we see in The Hobbit or even Lord of the Rings. But to me, the earlier stories show so much depth. With a character like Maedhros, Tolkien explores the horrors of PTSD, cognitive dissonance, domineering/brilliant/destructive parents, and the struggle to keep living when you feel broken. Maedhros fought battles, but his WAR was inside of him. In the end, he chose to end his life instead of letting himself live in a world past the point of him finally losing that battle. 

And does it hurt just as much that he left Maglor alone? Yes. But then again, he probably felt that leaving his brother was the only mercy he could give him. It was not a happy ending, but it was a realistic one.