Finally

This is the last day of the month. This month has been hot and annoying and felt like it was 30 years long. Seriously. What was up with this month?

Anyway, here's hoping October will be better. I honestly don't have much planned and I'm really okay with that. What I would really like is for it to cool down enough so that we can sleep well at night and not be miserable during the day.

Having said that and despite my complaining, today was pretty good. I figured out theory I want to run with in the Grant Experiment. We'll see how it goes.

Tink

As I'm writing this, Tinkerbell is on my shoulder. She's been on me for most of the day, making it difficult to type or stay cool. Still, I'm okay with it. Well, most of the time. I've never had a cat love on me this much. It's kind of neat.

When it's not annoying.

Hotumn

It's hot. It's been hot all day. It will be hot tonight. Tomorrow it is supposed to be hot, thankfully, it will be hot enough to justify turning on the AC. In fact, several days this week, it is supposed to reach 90. This is too much.

Less Nasty

Things were better for me today. It was cooler and that helped me to sleep. I'm still so lacking in sleep that my body is crashing into this deep, almost violent level of sleep when I can manage. It's helpful, but I wake up really stiff and achy.

We still have some bright days and that's good. I know the drear will arrive soon enough. Hopefully by the time it does, I'll be better rested.

Gabye

It's supposed to be only 82 tomorrow, but depending on the humidity, that could still be unpleasant. Today was awful. We hit 90 and the heat index was making it feel even worse.

The heat continues.
The bugs won't go back to Hell.
The grass continues to grow.

Summer is over. Officially. Someone needs to tell Mother Nature.

Perspective

Been watching Rupaul's DR season 5 for the first time since it aired. This has been kind of trippy. Quite a few of the queens on this season are very famous and it's been interesting to revisit them from when they looked so young. Especially Jinkx. Jinkx looks so little.

But you know, the person who stood out for me the most on the rewatch was Roxxxy Andrews. The first time through, Roxxxy just seemed like a bully. I did not like her because I was so firmly on Jinkx's side. It felt like a replay of the pageant queen versus comedy queen war of season 4.

But knowing ahead of time that Jinkx will win, I was able to watch Roxxxy with open eyes. I was able to see her beauty and charm. I was able to more understand her frustration. Honestly, Roxxxy probably could have won had she gotten out of her own way. She was right about a lot of things. She tried very hard in challenges, even when it was deeply out of her comfort zone. And of the final three, she did the best at all the challenges in that last competitive episode.

So, again, this is a case of someone self-sabotaging because the focused more on another contestant than they did on just trying to do their best. Instead of making their reality TV narrative about their own struggle, they became a villain to be defeated in someone else's narrative. I really think if Roxxy would have carved a storyline that revolved around her pushing herself no matter what, she would have won that season.

So yeah, do not focus on other people when it comes to achieving your goals. Focus on you.  Paying attention to other people in your field, fretting about what they're accomplishing, worried about if you measure up......all of that is just energy taken away from the work toward your own achievements. Ignore them. Focus on you.

Still Sticky

It's in the 70s tonight, but we have like 98% humidity and it's making everything sticky and awful. I can't even think right now. I should be working on a project, but the idea of scratchy yarn touching me is just all kinds of awful. I don't even want to pet the cat . . . even though I will pet the cat.

This has to let up. This HAS to let up. Please.

Weekend Stuff

I didn't blog all weekend. I kind of needed a break to collect my thoughts and regroup my brain. Summer is dragging its feet about exiting. People are sick of me bitching about it (and everything else). That's fair.

I watched Derry Girls this weekend and really enjoyed it. Shout out to my roommate for telling me about the show. I also watched part of an older season of Rupaul, one I'd not seen since it aired. Oh, plus I read a bunch of Clark Ashton Scott stories. All of this has given me odd dreams, but a lot of fun things to think about.

Also, just to note, that Area 51 thing just turned into a small alien festival for the most part. This is probably for the best.

Experiment

I tried the new veggie burger from Burger King today. I did this mostly for my dad. He's been a vegetarian for years and I know he sometimes has trouble finding things to eat at various establishments.  He'd mentioned he wanted to the burger, but hadn't had a chance.

The taste was fine. It didn't blow me away, but I certainly wasn't offended. The problem was the price. Over five dollars felt about two dollars too much for the burger. If I'd paid somewhere in the three dollar range, I would have been happy with this, but anything over that felt excessive. I don't think that price is going to make people excited about the burger. I think it's going to make them feel used.

Sweltering

Today was not comfortable. It was supposed to cool down, but really it just cooled down enough for us to not really justify turning on the AC, but it still being miserable and buggy and awful. I was uncomfortable and irritated all day. It wasn't fun.

September has really dragged me down this year. It's just been awful where the weather is concerned. It needs to end.

On a side note. tomorrow is supposed to be when everyone storms Area 51. I wonder if anything will actually happen.

Satisfied

I don't want to jinx this, but I'm in a good mood tonight. For one thing, the weather isn't completely awful. It's still in the 70s, but the heat index isn't reading any higher than the temp, so it isn't awful.

Second of all, I finished my little tunic for the cousin. It's cute. I did it in a lighter weight yarn so it feels lighter. I debated about putting sleaves on it, but when I took pics of it, I realized it worked better the way it is.

Third, some experiments I've been doing are starting to pay off. The lip balm experiment is going well. My lips aren't as jacked up as they usually are. I'm really hoping this works in the dead of winter as well. I have another, more grand scale experiment happening that I'm not ready to discuss just yet, but it's going well too.

So for, once, in so many ways, I'm ending my evening satisfied with life. Yay.

Sticky

It's too late in the year for it to be this sticky, and yet, it is. Checked out the forecast and we're in the 90s for several days this week and then in the high 80s. In fact, we're not out of the 80s for the rest of the month. This is insane.

I mean, if we were talking about the low 80s or 80s without high humidity, that would be one thing. But no. I could honestly cry about this. We're not okay.

Sigh

I didn't blog last night because I was just too damned hot and uncomfortable to do so. My mental state is shot. Everything is shot. This lingering heat is killing us. I'm paranoid from the lack of sleep and just worn down.

Anyway, surely as the weeks move closer to October we'll get something close to cooler weather. Maybe? Please?

Not the End

This heat keeps dragging on and it's sucking the life out of everyone and everything. My roommate is flat out sick because of the heat and the ragweed combined. The cats look ready to fall over. I'm shocked I haven't fallen over.....though some dead mint tried really hard to make that happen yesterday.

The head NEEDS to end. The AC has been on more during September than it was during July. No one has gotten a decent night's sleep in weeks. No one has been dry for weeks. This just has to stop.

Not on Tonight

Two things were happening at once to me tonight that were taking my mind and heart in different directions. One was a kind of nasty truth about my physical situation. The other was an article about how the key to self-love is accepting even your most nasty truths and choosing to love yourself anyway. And yes, that is how unconditional love works. To be honest, probably the healthiest way to love yourself is unconditional. It's just hard.

Because in my case, that is a LOT of self-acceptance. That's saying 'well, okay' to a LOT of stuff. But what choice is there really? It's either accept your lot or spend all your days miserable and then die mad.

There is this rumor that once you really love yourself, you actually start to fix a lot of the issues you were struggling to love yourself about in the first place. That's the theory anyway. Any truth to it? Does anyone really know?

I guess I can give it a shot. I'm tired of this constant state of self-loathing I've been in. It's doing me no good and it's keeping me frightened, broken, and hopeless. I've made other changes in my life. Maybe I can make this one. 

Not in the Cards

There is this pattern going around in my crochet group for a very cute tunic. You have to buy the pattern, but the price is reasonable. And, honestly, that's only for the adult sizes. All of the kid sizes are offered for free.

Even if I bought it, I was going to have to make adjustments and do math before I could make it for myself. One of my cousins is expecting a baby and as the little patterns are free, I thought I'd test the infant one out to see if I could even do this. That way she gets a gift, I get to try the pattern out.

I watched the video over making it a couple of nights ago. It seemed straight forward enough. Last night I practiced on some old yarn to see how it would go. I thought I had the concept down. Today we put my test tunic on the cat (she was not amused) and I thought I knew what I was doing. I pulled out some of the 'good yarn' and thought to myself how great it would be to have this little tunic ready in a couple of days.

Ha.

HAHAHAHAHA.

Okay, first of all, the 'good yarn' turned into a knotted up mess that took me the better part of the evening to unravel. After that, I was kind of over the whole process for a while, so I played Sims until 10.

I thought things were going great until I realized my second row in that I'd somehow twisted the chain and my work was folding in on itself. I just.....I CHECKED THAT CHAIN THREE TIMES. But no.

So I'm kind of over it again. Maybe I'll try again tomorrow. Or maybe not. Right now I'm just annoyed and think the 'good yarn' is ugly and kind of hate everything.

Not on the Pulse

I was watching some analysis of season 7 of RPDR today, a season often criticized for being boring and rigged. Most of this is due to the confirmed theory that the producers wanted to appeal to a younger demographic, as the last several winners had been older, seasoned queens and there was worry the show would fade into cancelation.

During season 7, it was decided ahead of time the winner would be a younger, more fashionable queen who connected with the younger population. Various rules and outcomes were bent to achieve this outcome. And in a way, it worked. If you ask most young people who their favorite queens are, two that will always be mentioned DID come from that season. These two queens have an extremely popular Youtube show. One has a podcast that has been nominated for several awards. The other has best selling albums, a documentary, and a makeup line. Both have soldout one-woman shows.

And in another more profound way, the plan of the producers did NOT work, because I am not talking about the queen who won the season or the young queen who was standing next to her when she was crowned. I'm talking about Trixie and Katya, neither of whom even placed in the top 4.

The problem is, when you're older, you look at things from your perspective and can only make educated guesses about what will appeal to younger people. You've not lived their lives or grown up in their culture. As much as you want to put yourself in their shows, you really can't.

I will never deny the skills of the 'beautiful young queens' on season 7. Some of them are aesthetically the best in the business. But that isn't what struck a chord with people. Turns out, what younger people (and even a lot of us older people) took away from that season and loved about it was Katya's dark humor, intelligence, and crushing self-doubt. We also loved how Trixie wore outlandish makeup, an illusion of awful skills done with superb skills, quick wit, and unwillingness to accept loserdom. Most of all, we love their honesty and weirdness.

Do I have a point here? Actually, yes. It's good to have an outcome in mind. Goals are nice. However, you do everyone, including yourself, a disservice if you stick so strictly to what you think you want that you miss the amazing things you have right in front of you. Oh and of course, never assume you know what someone else will love about a situation. That whole 'making an ass of you and me' thing is always true.

The House

I would give anything to move out of this house. I'm sad about that. I used to love it. This house was my safety and security as a teenager. Everything here was good and clean and better than my mother's home.

But it seems that I lack my grandparents' ability to maintain things. The house is a mess now. It's broken. More things go wrong every day. The floors have wonky spots I don't trust. Almost all of the windows are a struggle. Very few of the doors function properly. It's hot. It's muggy. Or it's cold. I never feel like everything is going to be alright here, not anymore. I just worry what will go wrong next.

I planned on being out of here in five years. I failed. One more thing in the long list of things (basically, everything) that I have failed to do. Now I don't even know how to manage to get out of here. I'm not even sure the steps I need to take to make the house the best it can be. It just overwhelms me.

Maybe I should just drag in a trash can and start tossing away stuff I've not even messed with in years. At least if the house was more empty, it would be less overwhelming. Or maybe it will help once it's less humid outside.

The Update

Sims 4 updated with some free content. I was cool with most of it, but one thing just made me SO happy. We can now use made different types of STAIRS!

I mean, I'm a fat woman so, in my real life, I HATE stairs, but as a house designer, I love them. Before we could only do straight up and down stairs. But now look at what I can do! Look!

The Lingering

I don't know why I always get excited about September. The heat never goes away. Sure, it cools down (somewhat) earlier in the evening, but it's still hot. We're still running the AC and it's still miserable when it's not on.

So yeah, this month is basically the lingering of summer. I feel sorry for the kids who had to start school already and endure this. I'm sure it isn't fun for them.

The Big Show

I was weirdly emotional for no reason last night and then someone posted this article. After that, I was at least emotional about something. In fact, I felt a lot of ways about this.

If you don't want to read the article (though it is good), it's a letter to a fellow fat woman the author saw while on vacation. The woman she's writing to was vibrant and amazing and having a very good time. Then the staff of the place did something to humiliate her in front of a whole crowd of people. It's devastating.

Okay, first of all, I guess on the positive side, I am happy the author wrote this and showed such empathy toward the woman. All too often, fat people are pressured to hate each other. My grandmother was really bad about this. She would talk about other fat people with such disgust and then encourage me to view them the same way. I guess the logic is that if you come to hate the fat on others, you'll not want it on yourself? Not exactly how that works.

Anyway, I'm glad the author was supportive and I'm glad she marveled at the beauty of this woman instead of being spiteful or shaming about it. That's refreshing and maybe a sign that in some ways, our ideas about bodies are changing.

On the other hand, we have the staff of the vacation place who pig partied this fat woman. Fuck them. Fat people are not your free entertainment. On one hand, I hope she sued. On the other, if she did, there would be a barrage of articles about how people are too sensitive and snowflakes and all that cliched crap. That is not the case here. If you are paying for an expensive vacation, part of that is the idea that you will be treated with common decency.

On a personal note, I was never this vibrant beautiful fat woman who shined with goddess glory. I know women like this, but it was never me. That's okay. On one hand, I blame the Grandmother stuff. On the other, it's just not my personality. I guess I ranged from "just don't look at me and let me go about my business in peace kthanx" to "yeah I'm fat so what fuck you!" I never did anything to be inspiring, but on the other hand, that's not my job.

I would say I hope this woman recovered and had a good vacation, but after living in this kind of body for most of my life, the truth is, this situation probably marred it for her. The staff of this place did the opposite of their job here. They should seriously be fired.

The Quality

My roommate and I went out today for his birthday dinner. We'd both been to the chain before, but not this specific restaurant. I don't think either of us was expecting the best meal of our lives here, but certainly better than what we got.

On the way home, we discussed how it's possible both of us have our tastes set at a certain level of quality for certain foods and the local places seem to not be delivering that quality. And look, I'm not even saying it's HIGH quality we're expecting, just....something reasonably decent that's been properly seasoned. I don't think that is too much to ask.

The Disconnect

I think one of the primary problems with suicide prevention is that the people trying to do the professional side of the preventing don't really grasp the issue. Psychologists, therapists, doctors, and the like are all, by the very nature of being in their profession, successful people capable of changing their circumstances. Even if they have some mental or emotional issues going on, even if they've personally suffered from addiction, they have, at least enough to achieve their degree, managed their obstacles.

But for a lot of suicidal people, that isn't the case. We tend to treat the suicidal like they're having a moment of emotional crisis. If you look at the majority of suicide prevention websites, they will emphasize that the want to kill yourself is only temporary. And yes, the crisis level of wanting it may be temporary, but the desire to end your life is very rarely just about emotions.

Because the people who try to prevent suicide are successful, they don't grasp the fundamental hell of being a failure. They don't understand the constant gnawing tension of poverty. They don't feel the day to day dread of wondering when the next thing will go wrong.

One of the most unhelpful pieces of suicide prevention advice I ever read was 'think about things to look forward to.' A lot of people who want to kill themselves do not 'look forward' to anything in a positive way. They just exist from moment to moment, praying nothing will screw up or break. Even when they have to go to an event where most people would 'look forward to it,' they are too consumed with worry to enjoy themselves. And while sometimes this may just be paranoia, other times it's PTSD after bad stuff has happened to them at events like this.

When you are successful and you try to get people who are not successful to be positive, you don't grasp their darkness. I used to wonder why people past 40 were still screwing up in the same ways they did when they were younger. In some cases, yeah, it's patterns. In other cases, hell, maybe they just feel like they've failed for too many years to justify the supreme effort it would take to make their lives better when it will only be better for maybe a decade at the most before old age starts ripping it all away again?

Oh and it's so much worse if you've consistently failed in life and you're also smart. Now you not only have the dread of when something goes wrong and the sense of failure, but you're also ashamed. You probably had the tools to fix things, but you didn't. Now everything sucks and you're old and in pain and have nothing to look forward to and it's embarrassing.  And no, that isn't a temporary feeling that will go away. That is the circumstances of your life.

Okay, my point being, I think people who are trying to keep the suicidal from becoming the dead need to reevaluate their tactics. If you really want them to live, you need to look beyond the temporary chemical issues and tackle the real hell they face.

Quick Post

Happy birthday to my roommate. I hope his year is full of joy and peace.

As for me, I'm not comfortable tonight and really don't feel like blogging. Sleep well.