When Ghosts Attack, Will Your Marriage Survive?

My roommate and I were watching some cable level show about ghost hauntings today.  We tend to watch shows like this because they have a nice ease of comfortable predictability to them. You know, people move into house, weird shit happens, people call ghost hunters with clever acronym who over explain their equipment, details are uncovered, mystery solved.

There is one predicable aspect of these shows, however, that always annoys us. Inadvertently, the paranormal stuff will start happening to only one person.  This person will ignore it until it gets too strange, and then they tell their spouse. Almost always, the spouse blows them off or thinks they're making it up.  And even given the mounting fear and panic from their partner, they still continue to disbelieve them until something happens to them.

Whether you believe in ghosts or not, put yourself in this position.  There is something deeply frightening to you, something you feel is putting your family and yourself at profound risk . . . and this person who is your partner in life refuses to believe you.

Imagine how frustrating that would feel, how heartbreaking.  Think about how, in that moment, you would feel so completely betrayed. So alone.

The sad thing is, I bet for a lot of people, it's not all that difficult to imagine.  In many marriages, this is a constant reality. This other person doesn't trust your judgement or take you seriously.  Or, maybe you're the person who doesn't take your spouse seriously.

If this is the case, something needs to be done about it.  Serious therapy, discussion, and analysis are needed to see if this can be repaired.   Sadly, this isn't one of those things I'd keep banging my head against though.  Not trusting the judgement of the person you're with is a very serious crack in the foundation of your marriage. If quick steps are made to find a way to fix this, of if this other person is refusing to fix it, it's best to walk away.

If you're not married, but are considering it, here are some important questions you need to ask.

1. Does this person take me seriously?
2. Do I take this person seriously?
3. Do I trust this person's judgement about life decisions?
4. Does this person trust my judgement about life decisions?
5. Do I believe this person when they say something?
6. Does this person believe me when I say something?
7. Does this person respect me?
8. Do I respect this person?
9. Does this person demand to be decision maker no matter what?
10. Do I demand to be the decision maker no matter what?

If the answer to any of these questions is "no," then this is not the person with which you should commit your life.  It doesn't matter how much you love them, it doesn't matter what some religion or culture says, it doesn't matter if they have money or you have kids together or anything.

If you cannot trust and respect each other, if you cannot be mindful of each other's opinions, then the marriage will always be lopsided and flawed.

You know, a lot of people have unrealistic expectations of marriage partners.  They want someone to be perfect.  They want someone who is beautiful and funny and rich and sane and sexy, but classy and interesting and well, you know the list can go on and on.  We also know that in a very real sense, most of this isn't likely to happen.

However, you can find someone you trust and someone who trusts you.  It means being discerning about your choice and it also means being very honest about yourself, but in the long run, this will help you find someone who, when you keep seeing blood flowing down the walls and zombies knocking on the doors, actually believes you when you tell them that it's probably a good idea to move. 

Not Married

My youngest cousin got engaged last weekend.  Aside from one cousin who is in prison, this will make me the only person of my generation in my family on both sides who isn't married. And I'm okay with that.

No, really, I am. I read all the time about how devastated women are because they're not married or not with someone. I watch TV shows that I think are going to be about people being professionals, and it just ends up being about this quest of desperation to FIND SOMEONE TO LOVE ME OMG!

Is that real life? I mean, is that your life? It's certainly not mine.

It was maybe my life when I was in my early 20s. You know, back when I didn't know any better. Though, to be honest, even then I should have known better because my mom had been on the marriages of fail train wreck for so long by then.  But at some point, I guess like, I dunno, 24 or so, I realized the whole thing sounded pretty shitty and cast my fortunes elsewhere. And as much as some people might say that's sour grapes, it's really not. I have honestly never seen any marriage that looked like something I would want to be a part of on a daily basis.

Which, okay, that doesn't mean it's that way for everyone.  Just because something doesn't seem appealing to me doesn't mean it isn't for someone else. I'm fairly self-aware enough of my weirdness to get that what works for me doesn't work for everyone.

Do I worry about being alone? No, because I'm not alone. I live with one of my best friends in the world.  There is nothing remotely like romance between us (ew, it would be like kissing my brother), but there is lots of discussion, laughter, inside jokes, and long term plans.  We're good partners.

And one of the nice things about being a fat girl (because there are good things about it) is that everyone assumes you're too pathetic to "lanz an manz" so they don't pressure you about marriage. Just the usual "you should lose weight so you'll be more healthy.....and normal." Which, yeah, that "normal" part probably translates to "lanz a manz," but I'm going to save myself the eye rolls and pretend it's about me wearing something other than black.