When Ghosts Attack, Will Your Marriage Survive?

My roommate and I were watching some cable level show about ghost hauntings today.  We tend to watch shows like this because they have a nice ease of comfortable predictability to them. You know, people move into house, weird shit happens, people call ghost hunters with clever acronym who over explain their equipment, details are uncovered, mystery solved.

There is one predicable aspect of these shows, however, that always annoys us. Inadvertently, the paranormal stuff will start happening to only one person.  This person will ignore it until it gets too strange, and then they tell their spouse. Almost always, the spouse blows them off or thinks they're making it up.  And even given the mounting fear and panic from their partner, they still continue to disbelieve them until something happens to them.

Whether you believe in ghosts or not, put yourself in this position.  There is something deeply frightening to you, something you feel is putting your family and yourself at profound risk . . . and this person who is your partner in life refuses to believe you.

Imagine how frustrating that would feel, how heartbreaking.  Think about how, in that moment, you would feel so completely betrayed. So alone.

The sad thing is, I bet for a lot of people, it's not all that difficult to imagine.  In many marriages, this is a constant reality. This other person doesn't trust your judgement or take you seriously.  Or, maybe you're the person who doesn't take your spouse seriously.

If this is the case, something needs to be done about it.  Serious therapy, discussion, and analysis are needed to see if this can be repaired.   Sadly, this isn't one of those things I'd keep banging my head against though.  Not trusting the judgement of the person you're with is a very serious crack in the foundation of your marriage. If quick steps are made to find a way to fix this, of if this other person is refusing to fix it, it's best to walk away.

If you're not married, but are considering it, here are some important questions you need to ask.

1. Does this person take me seriously?
2. Do I take this person seriously?
3. Do I trust this person's judgement about life decisions?
4. Does this person trust my judgement about life decisions?
5. Do I believe this person when they say something?
6. Does this person believe me when I say something?
7. Does this person respect me?
8. Do I respect this person?
9. Does this person demand to be decision maker no matter what?
10. Do I demand to be the decision maker no matter what?

If the answer to any of these questions is "no," then this is not the person with which you should commit your life.  It doesn't matter how much you love them, it doesn't matter what some religion or culture says, it doesn't matter if they have money or you have kids together or anything.

If you cannot trust and respect each other, if you cannot be mindful of each other's opinions, then the marriage will always be lopsided and flawed.

You know, a lot of people have unrealistic expectations of marriage partners.  They want someone to be perfect.  They want someone who is beautiful and funny and rich and sane and sexy, but classy and interesting and well, you know the list can go on and on.  We also know that in a very real sense, most of this isn't likely to happen.

However, you can find someone you trust and someone who trusts you.  It means being discerning about your choice and it also means being very honest about yourself, but in the long run, this will help you find someone who, when you keep seeing blood flowing down the walls and zombies knocking on the doors, actually believes you when you tell them that it's probably a good idea to move. 

Friday List: Blessing Addition

Two years ago, I got on Facebook. It was a big step for me because I'd not been very social, even on a cyberspace basis, for a long time. When you first get on a social media thingymabob, you often find yourself at a loss with what to write.  I, fortunately, was in good headspace at that point, and decided I would not fill the Wall of others with angst and other stuff I should have been past by like 12.

 I decided I would do a Thankful Thursday post every week. Just type out one or two things I was grateful to have in my life.  I have to say, it's been good for me.  Talking about the places where you are blessed in your life gives you a nice re-centering. I think I've talked about that before.

I forgot to do my Thankful Thursday this week.  My mind was elsewhere because I wasn't at home and because of the stuff I blogged about on Wednesday. So for this list, I decided to blog about my blessings, the big ones I am so, so thankful to have.

1. As an adult, I have never been in a relationship that was physically violent.
   
   When I was a child, this was a different matter.  But as an adult, I've been very lucky to have avoided the people who feel it is their duty to abuse others.  Some people might say that being a fat girl who is rather mentally unstable might have something to do with that, but if I had been in an abusive relationship, they'd say being a fat girl who is mentally unstable was the reason for that as well. There's never any winning with that crap.
   
2. I share my life with someone I trust.
   
   My roommate and I were talking tonight about how so many people have to deal with others who will rifle through their belongings, read their emails, creep through their texts and files. I don't have to worry about that with him. He can use my computer all day and I know he'd never dig through my personal files.  He won't go through my purse and I never have to worry about finding him in my room looking for stuff to use against me.  I jokingly tell him it's because he knows he'd be freaked out by what he would find, but that isn't really the case. He respects my privacy.  Trust me, if the people around you don't respect your privacy, you need to get away from them.  They don't respect you.
   
3. I have a good therapist.
   
   A lot of people have to go through HELL to find a good therapist.  Bad therapists tend to either be lazy, useless, crazy, working some agenda, or dogmatic.  Mine is none of these things.   She is diligent in her work, she's sane, neutral, and works with me on ways to address my issues. Finding mental stability is like trying to carve up a glacier. There is the jagged part sticking out of the water that you have to bang out waaaay before you hit all the massive stuff under the surface.  She has been instrumental in helping me find my way into the murkier depths.
   
4. I know I am loved.
   
   For many years, I wasn't sure of this.  I felt like most people were just going through the motions of loving me . . . or in some cases, not even bothering to do that.  My life is so different now.  I know I am loved.  I have a nephew who, after being told I was coming over, spent the whole day drawing pictures for me and taping them to his living room wall so I could see them when I came over.  I have extended family who drove from Colorado to come get me just so I could spend Thanksgiving with them.  I have best friends I get to talk to every day.  I am not just loved, I am very loved.
   
5. I have rediscovered my Voice.
   
   Of course, I don't mean my speaking voice. I never lost that.  I did lose my writing voice though.  When I was younger, I wrote all the time. During the worst of my mental and emotional decline, I stopped writing. I lost my Voice and began to think it was gone for good.  I've been blogging over two months now. My Voice has returned and I'm so, so thankful for that. I had not realized how much I missed it.

It was a rough winter, a rough start to this year, but in all the craptasticness that has happened, I can't help but be happy right now.  I'm writing again and I really needed to be writing.

Even if it is a blog only two people read. Hi, guys! *waves*