Using Your Words: Don't Hijack the Comments

Today on Facebook, one of my people posted about having an annoying household thing happen to them. An appliance broke and they were lamenting both the money spent and the fact that losing said appliance caused some other things to be destroyed in the process. It wasn't a tragic situation and it was certainly something they (although it would involve spending a lot of money) could fix. Still, it was one of those everyday pain in the ass kind of things that happens to all of us on occasion.

When you post something like that on Facebook, you're looking for a little bit of sympathy and letting off some steam. There is nothing wrong with that. It's one of the primary points of Facebook. People began to comment and relate similar tales. Other people gave her some suggestions about how to maybe get some monetary compensation for the situation.

About five comments in, there was an attempted hijacking. Instead of offering sympathy or advice, someone decided to use her post to rant about why all products are bad now because of environmental regulations and this is all the fault of liberals and hippies. This person offered no sympathy or advice of a useful nature. They just used the comments to complain about something political.

I see the kind of comment hijacking quite often on Facebook and I know I've talked about it here on the blog. Someone will post something innocent and free (or at least they assume) of political taint. Others will respond . . . until suddenly that ONE person has to come along and hijack the post over to something about politics or religion or whatever their agenda happens to be. "I had a great day at the park" suddenly becomes "That park won't be safe once Obama outlaws all the guns." More often than not, one of these politically charged statements will lure people who want to argue and suddenly the post about the day in the park is a mile long debate about gun rights.

Have I been guilty of this? Oh yes. I have. I committed many Facebook Sins when I first began to post. I still commit a lot of them even now, but I no longer allow myself to hijack someone's post to rant about issues. It's not polite and it certainly isn't effective communication.

One of the things we have to keep in mind when we're trying to sway people to our way of thinking is that establishing a rapport with someone requires them to be in a receptive mood. Very few people . . . to basically no one . . . is ever going to be in a good mood after a Facebook post gets hijacked. At best they'll be rolling their eyes in annoyance. At worst, they're completely angry.  And as per the rules of the internet, all of your carefully considered arguments will be ignored.

People will also have a impression of you as being a certain kind of person. "Oh yeah, you're that chick who took Mary's comment about eating eggs for breakfast and hijacked the comments into an abortion debate." "I remember you. You're the person who just HAD to comment on Bill's picture of him eating a ham sandwich and turn it into some vegan flame war." If this person has never met you before, this is their first impression of you. It's highly unlikely they'll ever form a different one.

Moreover, when you constantly hijack comments so you can push an agenda, people start to think you have very low social skills and no hobbies. I know you think you sound intelligent and well-educated when you make these agenda comments, but that just really isn't the case. You come off as someone sitting in the corner of the room, body prone, eyes wide twitching just slightly as you wait in rapturous anticipation of that moment when someone says something, ANYTHING, that you can relate back to your issues. Kind of like Gollum with an ax to grind.

No, actually worse than that. Gollum was a crazed and sad little creature, but he at least had some joy in his life. He made up songs. He liked riddles. He joyed eating a variety of raw foods and seemed quite impressed with his teeth. He may have been obsessed with the ring and he did die for it, but at least he had SOMETHING else in his life.

So, really, people who hijack Facebook posts are more like Gollum in those few seconds before the end of his life. Sad, fixated, unaware of the big picture, and in dire need to make sure the Precious is his. . . . even if it means going down in flames.

What Would you Give for Your Kid Fears?

I just finished watching Sinister and managed to creep myself out.  It's not the scariest movie I've ever seen, but it certainly has its twitchy scenes. Now I'm jumpy and seeing stuff in the shadows. It's all so stupid because the monster in the movie only kills families with kids. I have no kids, unless you count the cats. I mean, I count them, but I doubt that monster would. He strikes me as a bigot on that way.

In a strange sort of way though, being scared over a movie like this is strangely comforting. Hell, even BEING in a situation where you're terrorized by some monster who looks like a heavy metal singer/pro wrestler is and has magical powers is strangely comforting. Monsters like that are simple. Scary, but simple. Once you realize they're more powerful than you, you can reach a kind of comfort at how your situation is going to end.

Horror of this nature is appealing to adults because we can escape into it and pretend like it's the worst thing that could happen. Zombipocalypse? Vampires? Demon who eats children? Pissed off ghosts? Aliens? All of these things are simple and easy compared to the fear of real life. I'd rather deal with zombies all day than deal with worrying about paying my bills. Vampires want to drink your blood, but they're not going to get you drunk, rape you, and then put it on the internet. Demons aren't actively campaigning to take away your rights and getting rid of pissed off ghosts is probably less messy than most people's divorces.

Reality is just so much more potentially horrifying than the movies. It just holds way too many pitfalls of broken down cars and lost love and being stuck in situations you don't know how to get out of. For adults, I think horror movies have become total wish fulfillment. "This problem is so simple that either I can defeat it using only my wits and basic skills OR it will kill me. Being dead will suck, but suck far less than a lot of the shit life is handing me right now."

And while I do know this is supremely depressing, I'm also not sure what can be done about it. Times are hard and we're a soul weary group. Give us some monsters to fight. It's a lot less stressful than figuring out tax code.

Communication and Compliments

In the wake of President Obama's misstep in referring to an attorney general by her attractiveness instead of her accomplishments, some men have been bemoaning the fact that it seems like they can't talk about a woman being pretty without it offending us. They want to know why women just can't take a compliment and be grateful that someone noticed them. After all, everyone likes to be told they're pretty, right?

Just like with any other situation, when we compliment people, we need to be aware of what this compliment communicates to the other person about us. What are we really saying? How will we be perceived?

Now before you go on the defensive with 'it doesn't MATTER what other people think of me,' remember that you are the one who began this communication exchange. You chose to address someone's physical appearance. No one forced you to say anything. Because you opened that door, it can be inferred that you wished to communicate with this person. But what you may actually communicate may not be what you hoped.

Work situations are one of the biggest area where this becomes a problem. It's really best to never give people comments of a sexual nature when you work with them and I think most people know this. They still do it, but they know better. However, this kind of thing doesn't just apply to your coworkers.

Let's say you're a police officer and you are called to investigate a robbery. The woman who was robbed begins to tell you about the crime. As she tells you about it, you suddenly say, "You know, you're one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen."

She frowns at you and gets angry. Now, before you get frustrated and think about the injustice of not being able to compliment anyone anymore, remember the situation you are in. You are there to do you job. You are there to focus on learning enough about the crime to solve it. You are there to reassure this person that justice will be served.

You're not there to tell her she's hot. In fact, you shouldn't even be paying attention to what she looks like. Your attention should be on crime solving things.

So, whenever you feel the need to pay someone a compliment, think about the reason you are near this person and if your attention should be focused on something else. If it should, do not say anything about this person's looks. An example of this is any time you are at work. Unless you're someone who is being paid to say things about someone's looks (such as, a stylist), then you shouldn't be commenting on people's looks.

As much as it isn't proper to comment on someone's looks while you're working, it's also not proper to comment on someone's looks when THEY are working. The waitress isn't interested in how cute you think she is. If you think she's cute and want to brighten her day, leave a bigger tip. The lawyer who is deposing you isn't there to hear about how great you think she looks in that suit, she wants you to answer her questions about the case at hand.

When people are doing their jobs, they are busy doing their jobs. They don't want to have to take time away from their jobs to pay attention to your compliments about how pretty they are.

If someone is working and you feel the need to pay them a compliment, remember that they're busy working. They're not there to flirt with you. Well, okay, unless their job IS to flirt with you, but that's different and you know the difference. The ER doctor who patched up your arm after you tried to do that thing you saw on YouTube isn't there to flirt with you. Stop making the situation awkward.

The same also applies when neither person is working, but it is their professions that have brought them to the same social setting. When you're at a party that is work related, always keep in mind that power dynamics are at play. Err on the side of 'no one wants to be hit on by their boss' as well as 'no one wants to be hit on by their underlings.' Both situations are bound to cause trouble.

Even if you don't work together, if the social event is work related for you or the person you wish to compliment, it's still not a good idea. The girl who makes a living creating costumes for people at cons isn't interested in you hitting on her. She's at the con to get potential clients. Even if you're there for fun, this is work related for her.

I think a good rule is just to remember that unless both you and the other person are there for casual reasons, hitting on them isn't a good idea. Focus should be elsewhere and it needs to stay in that place. Honestly, you'll find that if you stick to this, your compliments will be better received. When people aren't focusing on work or don't need you there to focus on work, they're more relaxed and receptive. In other words, the flirting would be easier.

Trial, Errors, and New Ways of Grieving

I know my post looked odd last night. I did it on the Kindle and for some reason, paragraphs just didn't exist. I should go back and try to fix that. It was a fun experiment, though I don't really like typing on the keypad thing. I keep knocking the wrong letters with my stylus (for those keeping track, YES, I had to Google how to spell that) and that caused me to take twice as long with what was really a very short post. Given that, it didn't seem worth the convenience of doing it in my room.

Roger Ebert died and I'm very saddened by this. He's one of those public figures who has been a fixture in my life as long as I can remember. One of my favorite things to do as a kid was to watch his movie review show on Saturday afternoons on PBS. I didn't always find myself in agreement with him, but I did like the dignified way he talked about movies. He respected the art form and conveyed the idea that everyone should respect the genre as well. I liked that about him.  I'll miss the man.

I think one of the hardest things about getting older is how you have to watch as the  world as you saw it begins to crumble away. You lose people. You lose the touchstones of your culture. You lose aspects of the world that helped to define your reality.

My best friend and I were watching The Hobbit today and she asked me if I thought my mom would have liked the movie. My mom loved Tolkien's work and part of my reality as a small child was her reading it to me. When Peter Jackson put out the first three movies, my roommate and I took Mom to see them. This latest movie was the first one I saw without her. I do think she would have liked it.

I told my best friend that one of the things I think about quite often is how much I wish my mom could have read GRRM's work. I think she really would have loved it. She and I could have had hours and hours of discussion about it and that would have been so fun. There should be a word in our language that describes the grief you feel when you discover something that a loved one would have adored. It's worse than regret and sharper than missing them. It's pretty damned awful.

But who knows? Maybe the after life is like that part in What Dreams May Come when they are in the vast library. Maybe my mom's soul, now stable and whole and healed, HAS read GRRM's books and is just waiting for the chance to talk to me about it. It's a nice thought.

I need more nice thoughts.

What You Pay For

So it seems that some airlines . . .well one is going to start charging passengers by the pound. At first, I was really offended by this. I felt threatened by the idea that my weight would cause me to have to fork over more money than the normal folks.

However, the more I read about it, the less it upset me. For one thing,this airlines only owns.very small planes, like 4 seats per plane. In this case, weight is very important. This isn't about punishing fat people. This is about making the plane as safe as possible. There are also perks to paying more. You will get a seat that is comfortable and more leg room. You will have the space you need.

A lot of the time, fat people on planes get treated with a lot of resentment. But if they pay more, maybe we can see that change.

Stupid Week

Everything I wrote about on Sunday concerning the way my week would be going has proved to be untrue. My week has been unhinged and stressful. My doctor's appointment was canceled. Then my van broke down and we had to take it into the shop and pay for repairs we could just barely afford. Because the van was out of commission, I had to cancel my therapy session, which sucks because I really needed me some therapy today. On top of all of that, the renewal for some of my benefits is proving to be huge worry. Whatever small little plans I foresaw for this week have been completely smashed against some very jagged rocks.

I know all of this is just crappy life stuff that happens and that the universe isn't attacking me, but it really does feel that way sometimes. I've cried just enough about the whole mess to have caused a pretty nasty little headache. I really just need to crawl into bed and try to sleep for a while.

Use Your Words, but Carefully

On occasion, all of us experience emotions of what many consider to be the negative variety. Pain. Frustration. Fear. Suffering. Loss. When we experience these emotions, we usually have need to express them in some manner or another. Those of us who aren't completely lacking in self control, find ways to restrain ourselves from doing things that lead to even more cause for negative emotions. In other words, we learn how to keep from lashing out at every little thing that happens. It doesn't always work, but with practice, it gets easier.

In recent years, people have opted for the phrase 'use your words' when trying to teach others not to act out physically when full of negative emotion. The idea behind it is that if you speak or write about something instead of hitting a wall or a poor innocent animal or someone else, you're doing less harm. Okay, it's true that you're doing less harm, but that doesn't mean you're doing no harm.

Lately, it seems that more and more people are taking to writing letters to publications to vent their frustrations. On the surface, this may seem like a good and civilized thing. You're not physically harming anyone. You're not yelling at anyone. You're just intelligently using your words to discuss the stuff that makes you angry.

The problem is, most of us, when angry, aren't really thinking that clearly. Our emotions are clouding our logic and, quite often, our judgment. We say or write things we would normally never let others know. When we yield to the emotion and do these things anyway, we most often just cause more trouble for ourselves.

Now I will admit that I can be quite guilty of this. I've written some blog posts that were nothing but emotion-fueled GRRR sessions. All I did was rant. Looking back on said posts, they made very little sense. It was just "I am mad about this and it was bad and if you like it, you are bad!" or something like that.  I would just delete them, but I probably need the reminder that I can get this way.

I also used to have this problem on Facebook. Back before I made the personal rule NOT to argue with people on Facebook, I argued with them quite frequently. I'd get all emotional about whatever topic and write long and complex replies with much righteous anger and what I assumed was flawless logic. This was usually far from  the truth. Making the rule that I don't argue with people on Facebook is probably one of the best decisions I've made. Now I just hide the posts that piss me off and ignore the rest.

I wrote last week about the woman who addressed the whole female population at Princeton with her open letter to the college newspaper.  In her frustrations about her personal decisions, she decided to 'use her words' .  .  . not only failed in her communication but also succeeded in embarrassing herself. However, as bad as hers was, today I read about a high school student who sent an open letter 'to all the colleges that rejected me' as written as an op-ed in the Wall Street Journal. In print, for all the world to see, in a way that will never be erased, she made the decision to vent her frustrations and 'use her words'  . . . to make herself look like an entitled resentful brat. Writing this did her no good. In fact, it may do her harm in terms of her chances for finding ANY college to accept her.

I do realize that quite often we feel moved to speak about our emotions. We want to rant. We want to scream. We want to write open letters and put them out there for the whole world to see. However, before we do these things, even before we 'use our words,' we should take a few moments and reflect on the consequences of our actions.

Will my action cause more harm?
Is my action something I would do were I calm?
Will my action create bigger problems?

I do know that it feels quite good to vent frustrations. I know it is helpful to yell. I know it is helpful to write long letters and to tell people why they are wrong on Facebook. I also know that expressions of emotion can be a lot like cat puke. The cat pukes because it can't help itself. Once it does, it usually feels better and just walks away and goes on about its business. But the cat puke is still there. Someone has to deal with it and clean it up. So, just because the cat feels better about the situation doesn't alter the fact that there are very real and very sucky consequences.

It's part of our nature as humans to feel emotions. Most of us feel the need to respond to these emotions in one way or another. However, as thinking and rational beings, HOW we choose to respond is something we can certainly seek to take control over. It's something we need to learn, otherwise we will more often than not, find ourselves in ever escalating cycle of things just getting more and more dramatic. If this is your goal, I suppose that is, while twisted, fine. But if your goal is to have LESS drama, it might be worth your while to consider the route that allows you to achieve that serenity as quickly as possible.

And for goodness sake, don't make your private issues a topic for public discussion.