Communication and Compliments

In the wake of President Obama's misstep in referring to an attorney general by her attractiveness instead of her accomplishments, some men have been bemoaning the fact that it seems like they can't talk about a woman being pretty without it offending us. They want to know why women just can't take a compliment and be grateful that someone noticed them. After all, everyone likes to be told they're pretty, right?

Just like with any other situation, when we compliment people, we need to be aware of what this compliment communicates to the other person about us. What are we really saying? How will we be perceived?

Now before you go on the defensive with 'it doesn't MATTER what other people think of me,' remember that you are the one who began this communication exchange. You chose to address someone's physical appearance. No one forced you to say anything. Because you opened that door, it can be inferred that you wished to communicate with this person. But what you may actually communicate may not be what you hoped.

Work situations are one of the biggest area where this becomes a problem. It's really best to never give people comments of a sexual nature when you work with them and I think most people know this. They still do it, but they know better. However, this kind of thing doesn't just apply to your coworkers.

Let's say you're a police officer and you are called to investigate a robbery. The woman who was robbed begins to tell you about the crime. As she tells you about it, you suddenly say, "You know, you're one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen."

She frowns at you and gets angry. Now, before you get frustrated and think about the injustice of not being able to compliment anyone anymore, remember the situation you are in. You are there to do you job. You are there to focus on learning enough about the crime to solve it. You are there to reassure this person that justice will be served.

You're not there to tell her she's hot. In fact, you shouldn't even be paying attention to what she looks like. Your attention should be on crime solving things.

So, whenever you feel the need to pay someone a compliment, think about the reason you are near this person and if your attention should be focused on something else. If it should, do not say anything about this person's looks. An example of this is any time you are at work. Unless you're someone who is being paid to say things about someone's looks (such as, a stylist), then you shouldn't be commenting on people's looks.

As much as it isn't proper to comment on someone's looks while you're working, it's also not proper to comment on someone's looks when THEY are working. The waitress isn't interested in how cute you think she is. If you think she's cute and want to brighten her day, leave a bigger tip. The lawyer who is deposing you isn't there to hear about how great you think she looks in that suit, she wants you to answer her questions about the case at hand.

When people are doing their jobs, they are busy doing their jobs. They don't want to have to take time away from their jobs to pay attention to your compliments about how pretty they are.

If someone is working and you feel the need to pay them a compliment, remember that they're busy working. They're not there to flirt with you. Well, okay, unless their job IS to flirt with you, but that's different and you know the difference. The ER doctor who patched up your arm after you tried to do that thing you saw on YouTube isn't there to flirt with you. Stop making the situation awkward.

The same also applies when neither person is working, but it is their professions that have brought them to the same social setting. When you're at a party that is work related, always keep in mind that power dynamics are at play. Err on the side of 'no one wants to be hit on by their boss' as well as 'no one wants to be hit on by their underlings.' Both situations are bound to cause trouble.

Even if you don't work together, if the social event is work related for you or the person you wish to compliment, it's still not a good idea. The girl who makes a living creating costumes for people at cons isn't interested in you hitting on her. She's at the con to get potential clients. Even if you're there for fun, this is work related for her.

I think a good rule is just to remember that unless both you and the other person are there for casual reasons, hitting on them isn't a good idea. Focus should be elsewhere and it needs to stay in that place. Honestly, you'll find that if you stick to this, your compliments will be better received. When people aren't focusing on work or don't need you there to focus on work, they're more relaxed and receptive. In other words, the flirting would be easier.