Yesterday we found out we had to pay almost 700$ on my car to get it stable. I was upset, but it was the first major thing wrong with the car, so okay. Still, whenever cars go into the shop, there is always that lingering feeling that something else might be discovered.
It was. The computer system is dying so that will be more money, more time, more uncertainty, more of trying to organize appointments and trips around the people who repair things and the obligations I already have. I know this happens to everyone but right now it's just exhausting and overwhelming.
I just can't with this.
Thursday, March 7, 2019
Wednesday, March 6, 2019
Adult Woes
You know how I talked about every adult I know being in pain? It was a few posts back but the basic idea is that almost everyone I know is always in some level of physical pain.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized there were other aspects too. Almost every adult I know is also constantly tired. Almost every adult I know is suffering from some level of depression or anxiety. This isn't making a lot of sense.
Maybe I'm being paranoid. Maybe it's always been this way and people never talked about it. I'm not sure. It just seems like misery and pursuit of trying to just escape that misery shouldn't be the meaning of life. I just feel like maybe something else is going on.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized there were other aspects too. Almost every adult I know is also constantly tired. Almost every adult I know is suffering from some level of depression or anxiety. This isn't making a lot of sense.
Maybe I'm being paranoid. Maybe it's always been this way and people never talked about it. I'm not sure. It just seems like misery and pursuit of trying to just escape that misery shouldn't be the meaning of life. I just feel like maybe something else is going on.
Tuesday, March 5, 2019
The Million Other Things
Last night my oxygen concentrator died. They have a 24/7 call in so I had a new one within an hour of realizing I needed to have the situation handled. I was grateful for that, but still weirdly emotional.
By the time I went to bed, I was in full out depression mode. I felt horrible and hopeless and saw no point in anything. I knew it was depression, but it still wasn't fun.
I woke up around 5 because I needed to use the bathroom. While awake, I realized just how senseless that bout of depression had been. Someone brought me a new breathing machine within an hour of me requesting it. Sure, I could be upset that I need one or upset about a million other things, but why, when there are so many things that constantly go well for me? I woke up feeling better about things.
By the time I went to bed, I was in full out depression mode. I felt horrible and hopeless and saw no point in anything. I knew it was depression, but it still wasn't fun.
I woke up around 5 because I needed to use the bathroom. While awake, I realized just how senseless that bout of depression had been. Someone brought me a new breathing machine within an hour of me requesting it. Sure, I could be upset that I need one or upset about a million other things, but why, when there are so many things that constantly go well for me? I woke up feeling better about things.
Monday, March 4, 2019
Delayed Damage
Several people close to me have, within the last few months, experienced trauma. In some cases, it was medical in nature, in other cases, it was the loss of a loved one. All three of them faced new experiences during these events and had to handle things they've never had to handle before. I have talked to them about something and I hope I'm not coming off like some kind of Debbie Downer about it. I'm not trying to make things worse, I'm doing my best to prepare them for what may follow.
Sometimes when we go through a crisis or trauma, the emotional toll doesn't show up for a while. I think our bodies go into a kind of automatic mode and we just function as best we can to get through the difficult days. It's what I did during my grandmother's death. It was awful and I grieved for her, but at the same time, I was trying to handle extended family and arrange things so I could move. The brunt of the grief and the horror of watching her death hit me later, months later, when I had settled down and rested for a while. It was like this after all the surgeries surrounding cancer I had when I turned 40. I functioned, though not well, and the magnitude of all of it didn't hit me until later in the form of a panic attack that left me covered in hives.
A BBC cop shows I watch handled this issue. One of the main characters was kidnapped and held at gunpoint. She did some therapy afterward but felt it wasn't helping her and she was fine. Honestly, right after the incident, she probably was fine. But months later, she began to question her judgment, to drink, and to lash out at people over the tiniest of things. The impact of the trauma didn't hit her until way after the situation. Perhaps if she had been warned to anticipate this as a possibility, she would have gone back into therapy. As it was, she ended up taking early retirement because her mind and body got to the point where she just could NOT handle her job.
So look, if you go through a big scary something and then months later find yourself doing strange things or freaking out or panicking or weeping for what seems like no reason, remember that this is normal. Often our minds will compartmentalize things so that we can survive a crisis. This doesn't make the trauma go away. It just delays it for a while. If this happens, talk to someone about it. Acknowledge that it's going on. Don't let anyone make you feel that you don't deserve to process your emotions just because what happened was in the past. Get what help you need and give yourself time to heal. Pain and fear don't really show up and go away at our convenience.
Sometimes when we go through a crisis or trauma, the emotional toll doesn't show up for a while. I think our bodies go into a kind of automatic mode and we just function as best we can to get through the difficult days. It's what I did during my grandmother's death. It was awful and I grieved for her, but at the same time, I was trying to handle extended family and arrange things so I could move. The brunt of the grief and the horror of watching her death hit me later, months later, when I had settled down and rested for a while. It was like this after all the surgeries surrounding cancer I had when I turned 40. I functioned, though not well, and the magnitude of all of it didn't hit me until later in the form of a panic attack that left me covered in hives.
A BBC cop shows I watch handled this issue. One of the main characters was kidnapped and held at gunpoint. She did some therapy afterward but felt it wasn't helping her and she was fine. Honestly, right after the incident, she probably was fine. But months later, she began to question her judgment, to drink, and to lash out at people over the tiniest of things. The impact of the trauma didn't hit her until way after the situation. Perhaps if she had been warned to anticipate this as a possibility, she would have gone back into therapy. As it was, she ended up taking early retirement because her mind and body got to the point where she just could NOT handle her job.
So look, if you go through a big scary something and then months later find yourself doing strange things or freaking out or panicking or weeping for what seems like no reason, remember that this is normal. Often our minds will compartmentalize things so that we can survive a crisis. This doesn't make the trauma go away. It just delays it for a while. If this happens, talk to someone about it. Acknowledge that it's going on. Don't let anyone make you feel that you don't deserve to process your emotions just because what happened was in the past. Get what help you need and give yourself time to heal. Pain and fear don't really show up and go away at our convenience.
Sunday, March 3, 2019
Healthy Relationships
I see a lot of stuff about love being posted. Well, okay, mostly I see a lot of stuff about people complaining about people making bad choices in relationships, making their own bad choices, complaining about not BEING in relationships, or why they should be deserving of relationships but society says blah blah blah.
Admittedly, I used to be in that last group. Back when I was interested in relationships, I thought I wasn't in one because Society and otherwise I would be in one. This is not true. For one thing, there are plenty of people fatter than me who have relationships. For another, society isn't the issue.
The issue is, and the truth of the matter is, IF you want a chance at a healthy relationship, you need to BE healthy and choose to be with someone else who is also healthy. I'm not just talking about physical health here. In fact, often physical health is the least important factor in this, though it can be affected by your lack of health.
No, I'm talking about all the other stuff. You need to be mentally healthy. You need to be emotionally healthy. You need to be stable both financially and in the kind of environment you create around you. You need to be sober and rational. You need to know and celebrate your own worth. You need to be responsible, reasonable, and mature.
Otherwise, one or both of the people in the relationship is going to suffer.
I'm not saying if you don't have those qualities you are a loser who doesn't deserve happiness. However, I AM saying that if you don't have those qualities and do not plan to/cannot actually achieve them, then it's best you find happiness in ways that do not involve relationships that will lead to love, marriage, that stuff. If you are not healthy, you will not be able to create a healthy life with someone else. It's impossible. One or both of you will be miserable. One or both of you will be destroying years you could have spent in other, more productive, more contented ways.
This does not make you a bad person. It just makes you a person who would be bad in relationships. This does not make you a hopeless person. It just makes you a person who needs to refocus their goals to exclude other people in long term romantic ways. And that is a fine thing to do. It can be a really rewarding way to live your life because you're not having to devote all that energy and time to a relationship. That stuff takes effort, often effort that people who aren't that healthy really don't have. It could leave you exhausted.
When I was younger, I fell into the typical trap of thinking I could ONLY be happy if I was in love and loved by someone else. I would make myself miserable when this sort of thing didn't happen with the person I wanted at the time. The worst part about that is that I wasted so much time thinking about it, worrying about it, complaining to others, feeling awful.......when I could have used that time to be productive and happy about all the other things happening in my life. I had a million blessings happening and chose to focus just on the things I didn't have.
Some people think relationships will heal you if you're not healthy. They don't. Some people think you will get past your depression and feelings of self-loathing if you're in a relationship. You won't. That is chemical stuff that needs meds and therapy. Some people believe you are only accepted in society if you're in a relationship. Actually, sadly, there are situations to where this one is true. However, I think you should ask yourself why you really think being in said situation would even be in your best interests. If they can't accept you on your own, why?
Anyway, try to heal. Try to love yourself. Try to make the best of the life you have right now. You may not have someone else, but you have YOU and your microbiom. That should be enough.
Admittedly, I used to be in that last group. Back when I was interested in relationships, I thought I wasn't in one because Society and otherwise I would be in one. This is not true. For one thing, there are plenty of people fatter than me who have relationships. For another, society isn't the issue.
The issue is, and the truth of the matter is, IF you want a chance at a healthy relationship, you need to BE healthy and choose to be with someone else who is also healthy. I'm not just talking about physical health here. In fact, often physical health is the least important factor in this, though it can be affected by your lack of health.
No, I'm talking about all the other stuff. You need to be mentally healthy. You need to be emotionally healthy. You need to be stable both financially and in the kind of environment you create around you. You need to be sober and rational. You need to know and celebrate your own worth. You need to be responsible, reasonable, and mature.
Otherwise, one or both of the people in the relationship is going to suffer.
I'm not saying if you don't have those qualities you are a loser who doesn't deserve happiness. However, I AM saying that if you don't have those qualities and do not plan to/cannot actually achieve them, then it's best you find happiness in ways that do not involve relationships that will lead to love, marriage, that stuff. If you are not healthy, you will not be able to create a healthy life with someone else. It's impossible. One or both of you will be miserable. One or both of you will be destroying years you could have spent in other, more productive, more contented ways.
This does not make you a bad person. It just makes you a person who would be bad in relationships. This does not make you a hopeless person. It just makes you a person who needs to refocus their goals to exclude other people in long term romantic ways. And that is a fine thing to do. It can be a really rewarding way to live your life because you're not having to devote all that energy and time to a relationship. That stuff takes effort, often effort that people who aren't that healthy really don't have. It could leave you exhausted.
When I was younger, I fell into the typical trap of thinking I could ONLY be happy if I was in love and loved by someone else. I would make myself miserable when this sort of thing didn't happen with the person I wanted at the time. The worst part about that is that I wasted so much time thinking about it, worrying about it, complaining to others, feeling awful.......when I could have used that time to be productive and happy about all the other things happening in my life. I had a million blessings happening and chose to focus just on the things I didn't have.
Some people think relationships will heal you if you're not healthy. They don't. Some people think you will get past your depression and feelings of self-loathing if you're in a relationship. You won't. That is chemical stuff that needs meds and therapy. Some people believe you are only accepted in society if you're in a relationship. Actually, sadly, there are situations to where this one is true. However, I think you should ask yourself why you really think being in said situation would even be in your best interests. If they can't accept you on your own, why?
Anyway, try to heal. Try to love yourself. Try to make the best of the life you have right now. You may not have someone else, but you have YOU and your microbiom. That should be enough.
Saturday, March 2, 2019
Thoughts I had watching the new NKotB video
- I can't believe I'm watching this.
- Lance Bass is not in NKotB....or was he? I'm old. I don't remember.
- Ohhh, he's just a cameo.
- Whichever one has the walker is stealing the show.
- These kids look so bored.
- Walberg is a great old coot.
- Oh my god, their dancing is so funny.
- Jordan looks so much like Donnie Osmond on the 70s part it's scary.
- For a pop song, this actually holds up.
- Is that Debbie Gibson?
- We are namechecking/songchecking so many people.
- OH MY GOD THAT IS Debbie Gibson.
- Okay, her part is going to stick in my head.
- I wish they would have done the diagram of the boyband types on all of them like they did on Walberg.
- Had to catch his breath! HAH!
- Yeah, this actually does hold up as a pop song.
- Modern Jordan looks like that cuter Jonas brother. Jordan is kind of the mold of 'cute boy' in boy bands.
- Jordan should always wear fur coats and sunglasses.
- That one boy in the front just figured out he was gay.
- I bet that happened more often than not.
- Yup, Debbie's part is now stuck in my head, goddammit.
- Okay, it isn't to my taste, but it's solid and they might as well embrace it. Awesome.
Friday, March 1, 2019
Feb 2019
This month was very, very long and life-altering for several people I care about. There were a lot of big shocks, much grief, things to be terrified about, and death. It was A LOT and we're all walking away from this month tired and wounded.
I need March to be okay and easy. Everyone does.
I need March to be okay and easy. Everyone does.
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