Improvement?

Sims is overhauling their Gallery and it's a real pain. All the search words I usually use to find houses for my Sims (like 'abandoned' and 'poverty' or 'haunted') now yield little to no results. They wanted to change everything to hashtags, but instead of doing that with keywords, they're trying to base it on creators. That just won't work for most people.

Anyway, hopefully, they'll come out with something new this season. The last two packs were great, but before that, we had a series of duds. Rumor has it the next few packs will be something about farming, witches, and then a larger university pack. All of these things sound great to me!

Dread

A week from tomorrow, I have to go to Tulsa. I am completely and utterly unhappy about this. I'm going to try my best not to let this ruin my week, but given that I'm also fighting a pretty intense bout of depression, I'm not sure how that will go.

I have skills to deal with my depression. I know how to recognize it and how to try and talk myself out of the Dark Places. But that gets tiring and when you really have nothing to hope for or look forward to, it's damned near exhausting.

See, that's why the wheelchair is needed. With that level of added mobility, I WILL have a chance to do more things, look forward to stuff, not just DREAD every possible activity. The wheelchair isn't about me trying to find a new level of lazy. It's about me trying to find a way to survive.

It's to the point where I need that.

Hmm

I noticed my post about the fictional situation where I destroy a bridge with my fatness got double the hits of my usual posts. Sometimes Blogger randomly tosses posts up for people to read and perhaps mine hit the rotation. It's also possible that people were morbidly curious by the title and clicked on it, hoping for a story about actual bridge destruction caused by fatness. Either way, it seems the title was catchy.

Just to Make Note of It

This afternoon, both my roommate and I felt nausea. Mine hit about 7, but his had been going on most of the afternoon/evening. I wasn't home until 6, however, so it's possible I just picked up on whatever was wrong with him, or it may have been unrelated.

He was better by around 8. It took me until around 11 to feel completely better. I didn't even feel like messing with any writing until just now.

Whatever it was, I'm glad it's gone and hope it does not come back.

Fat Woman Destroys Bridge

Vicky Vox: Best person at flipping off others.

The overpass beside Walmart is cracking. Actually, I'm sure, given the state of infrastructure disrepair and invasiveness of Walmart, that is a pretty common statement in a lot of impoverished states. People from my hometown have been posting pics of the damage. I've watched this and read their statements about how something needs to be done and I agree. However, something needing to be done was not my first thought.

My first thought was, "Well, shit. I'm probably going to be on that damned bridge when it breaks."

I mean, I don't even use that bridge very often. It's on the far side of town from me and I like my backroads and country highways more. I also hate the convoluted way it merges and generally dislike that stretch of highway because it feels like it takes forever.

It doesn't matter. There will be some stupid rainstorm that floods out the roads on my side of town or a tractor pile up or cows or SOMETHING and I'll have to drive over that bridge. And when I do, even though semis, triple semis, massive trucks pulling massive boats, and billions of other people have driven over that bridge, it will break while I am on it.

I'll fall into some chasm of Embarrassment Hell. I won't be lucky enough to DIE, from the fall. Oh no, I'll be very much alive and very much conscious. Helicopters will fly over. Police will arrive. They'll try to hoist me out and I'll probably break the damned hoists. And, again, I won't die from that or even faint.

The newspaper's headlines the next day will be "Fat Woman Destroys Bridge."It will probably go viral.

Sigh.

Okay, so I thought about that last part, as it is really the only part I have any kind of control over. I've decided that when they're taking my Fat Woman picture, I'm sitting

up as much as I can, put my saggy tits into prominence, and flip off the cameras. At least that way, I'm a bitchy old fat woman.

Rubicon

I love Julius Caesar so much. His boldness as a general has always inspired me. I must have been there, somewhere, with him, when all of that was going on. And his moment of crossing the Rubicon, even though he was not supposed to, has always filled me with excitement.

Except when I apply it to my own life. I mean, I've crossed several Rubicons, but they never seemed to be due to my accomplishments.

Tomorrow I'm having to cross another one. I'll be asking my medical provider for a wheelchair. I won't need it all the time, certainly not just meandering around the house. The problem is, meandering around the house has become my limit. It's horribly uncomfortable for me to go anywhere. Most chairs are uncomfortable. Often I would have to walk beyond my capacity. I get panic-stricken just thinking about most long trips. Or even short ones. I can't stand in lines.

This will increase my mobility and expand what I can do. I could wheel around a museum. I could sit during a concert. I could sit in line to meet an author. I could maybe see Hamilton if it comes near.

At the same time, I feel like I'm failing even deeper at life by having to take this step. Clearly, my health isn't getting better. Clearly, my ability to handle myself isn't getting better. Clearly, nothing is getting better. As always, I am utterly utterly utterly failing at losing weight and it pisses me off to the CORE of my soul. WHY was I given this challenge if I can't solve it? WHY was I given this situation where my weight would get worse and worse and worse and I just be unable to really get a grip on how to fix it? WHY?

But it's pointless to wallow in the failure. I've failed. Whatever. I still would like to do more than sit in this house. So.....wheelchair request it is.

Virtual and Holy

A while back, the game I play now had a contest where they showed you very small details of locations and challenged you to find them. You had to send in screenshots of your character there. I got all of them because I knew instantly where all of the places (except for one) happened to be. One of the reasons I love this game so much is because I think the graphics on the scenery are beautiful.

I read this article about how a landmark in World of Warcraft is burning, parts being destroyed for the sake of gameplay. I understand the melancholy. We grow attached to game locations. Sometimes we use them as our base starting point. "I get here by going six places past THIS landmark." Other times, we have memories attached to them because of gameplay situations that happened there. 

However, and perhaps this is the weirdest part and maybe the first time this has ever really happened in recent memory, there are also places in games that we love for reasons we can't put into words. These locations just sing to us, make us feel things. In some cases, they trigger memories we didn't realize we had or fill us with emotions we can't quite connect with anything tangible. It's a true soul connection.

I had a place like this in Glitch. I honestly felt like this little section of the world was holy. When that world ended, I stayed in this location and waited for the world to blip out. Then I jumped and jumped as high as the moon. And even though I was sitting here in this chair when it happened, and even though that was a video game, part of me felt like I ascended. I suppose the part of me that was Glitchen that did.

I feel for the author of the article about Warcraft. I feel for any game player who has had to watch their sacred places burn or die or disappear. It aches and maybe to someone who doesn't play, that makes no sense. All I can say to people like that is I hope, someday, you find something that connects to your soul in this same way. It is an amazing feeling.