Rubicon

I love Julius Caesar so much. His boldness as a general has always inspired me. I must have been there, somewhere, with him, when all of that was going on. And his moment of crossing the Rubicon, even though he was not supposed to, has always filled me with excitement.

Except when I apply it to my own life. I mean, I've crossed several Rubicons, but they never seemed to be due to my accomplishments.

Tomorrow I'm having to cross another one. I'll be asking my medical provider for a wheelchair. I won't need it all the time, certainly not just meandering around the house. The problem is, meandering around the house has become my limit. It's horribly uncomfortable for me to go anywhere. Most chairs are uncomfortable. Often I would have to walk beyond my capacity. I get panic-stricken just thinking about most long trips. Or even short ones. I can't stand in lines.

This will increase my mobility and expand what I can do. I could wheel around a museum. I could sit during a concert. I could sit in line to meet an author. I could maybe see Hamilton if it comes near.

At the same time, I feel like I'm failing even deeper at life by having to take this step. Clearly, my health isn't getting better. Clearly, my ability to handle myself isn't getting better. Clearly, nothing is getting better. As always, I am utterly utterly utterly failing at losing weight and it pisses me off to the CORE of my soul. WHY was I given this challenge if I can't solve it? WHY was I given this situation where my weight would get worse and worse and worse and I just be unable to really get a grip on how to fix it? WHY?

But it's pointless to wallow in the failure. I've failed. Whatever. I still would like to do more than sit in this house. So.....wheelchair request it is.