Fat Woman Destroys Bridge

Vicky Vox: Best person at flipping off others.

The overpass beside Walmart is cracking. Actually, I'm sure, given the state of infrastructure disrepair and invasiveness of Walmart, that is a pretty common statement in a lot of impoverished states. People from my hometown have been posting pics of the damage. I've watched this and read their statements about how something needs to be done and I agree. However, something needing to be done was not my first thought.

My first thought was, "Well, shit. I'm probably going to be on that damned bridge when it breaks."

I mean, I don't even use that bridge very often. It's on the far side of town from me and I like my backroads and country highways more. I also hate the convoluted way it merges and generally dislike that stretch of highway because it feels like it takes forever.

It doesn't matter. There will be some stupid rainstorm that floods out the roads on my side of town or a tractor pile up or cows or SOMETHING and I'll have to drive over that bridge. And when I do, even though semis, triple semis, massive trucks pulling massive boats, and billions of other people have driven over that bridge, it will break while I am on it.

I'll fall into some chasm of Embarrassment Hell. I won't be lucky enough to DIE, from the fall. Oh no, I'll be very much alive and very much conscious. Helicopters will fly over. Police will arrive. They'll try to hoist me out and I'll probably break the damned hoists. And, again, I won't die from that or even faint.

The newspaper's headlines the next day will be "Fat Woman Destroys Bridge."It will probably go viral.

Sigh.

Okay, so I thought about that last part, as it is really the only part I have any kind of control over. I've decided that when they're taking my Fat Woman picture, I'm sitting

up as much as I can, put my saggy tits into prominence, and flip off the cameras. At least that way, I'm a bitchy old fat woman.