Damage

I put on a tee tonight and considered all the holes in it. They're all about the same size and in very close proximity to each other. This is because they're all damaged caused by Tinkerbell.  

Tink climbed on me a lot. She didn't exactly have an interest in doing this without claws. My skin took a lot of damage and so did my clothes. 

And as much as it annoyed me then, now I'm grateful for it. These holes are memories of her, reminders of her remarkable place in my life. Now I'm not saying this should be an excuse for people to damage you or your life on purpose. This wouldn't be acceptable from a human. 

But she was my kitty and I miss her. I'm glad I have some tangible reminders of her. Her death still really hurts.

Singing The Song That's in All of Us

"Hi Ren" by Ren was brought to my attention by Amanda Palmer. She said it was what "Girl Anachronism" would have been if she would have done it on guitar and listened more to Eminem. She meant this as a compliment and high praise. I tend to trust her taste in music so I gave it a shot.

Here's the thing. This song, which is a song but also a very frank piece of performance art, can possibly ONLY be performed by Ren. It's very deeply personal to him. And at the same time,  this song is the inner dialogue of every person with mental illness, every person struggling with substance addiction, every artist, and maybe even just EVERYONE in general.

This song is my inner dialogue when things are bad. The darker voice in my head that tells me horrible things and reminds me of every mistake I've ever made. The self-loathing and self-doubt. It's the part that paralyzes me and leaves me up at night crying because it keeps telling me how horrible I am but that at the same time, I NEED to know that because it's the truth. 

The battle here moves from the commonplace to the divine and back again, kind of settling in this metaphysical landscape of both. All of the conflicts in this song is something that struggling people will go through maybe several times a day, sometimes several times an hour. There are days when this battle never stops but just plays over and over again. It's exhausting.

The song is genius. Even the way he breaks the 4th Wall is genius. It's honest and brutal and brilliant. The guitar work is stunning and the acting, because there IS acting involved here, is so very believable. 

Old and New Technologies

I managed to refit back into a bra today! This is a significant thing. But when I did it, I did so with a hack. I wore an undershirt under the bra and that kept it from causing me pain. It was glorious.

That was the highlight of the day. The lowlight was the fact that I tried to do a Zoom call with my therapist and the whole system kept stalling. It was really frustrating and I got nothing out of the session. 

The Other Blog

I found out there is a limit on how big you can make an Open Office document. I had to start a second document for the Vomit Journal, but that's fine. Honestly, I could have just erased the first document because it isn't like I'm going back to read it. It really isn't for reading or revising. It's just for emotional and creative venting.

I need to finish up a piece on Maglor and then figure out what to work on next. I need to get back to the AU but I've not been ready to do so yet. Maybe soon. The Vomit Journal is supposed to help boost creativity. We'll see if it works.

Split

We've been watching The Split. There is something quite delightful about the fact that everyone on the show is equally awful and equally capable of making the worst mistakes they possibly can.

We just finished the second season. We guessed that some of the things would happen, given the chemistry of certain characters, and hoped for other things that happened as well. 

The show makes me glad I never got married. 

Better but Not Great

I'm not as ill as I was. My roommate is ill though. The nastiness of pollen and head colds is hitting hard this year. We'll have to watch things and make sure no one gets sick enough to end up in the ER. The ER around here is sketchy.

Massive Rain

Today was difficult. The rain was really intense, so bad that my car was making protest noises. I feel awful this evening. Just tired and strung out and achy. I need to go to bed earlier tonight and sleep for as long as possible. 

Impulses

Today was an interesting exploration of 'my brain is telling me one thing but my body is telling me another.' We went into the city for the first time in a long while.

This is how the situation used to be for me. I don't LIKE going into the city, even though, objectively, it's a very small city. The traffic makes me nervous and the trip overall used to cause me a great deal of pain. The compensation for this was that I would get to eat something fun. There are places not in my town where I could get food. 

So on the way there, my brain starts babbling about possibilities. Places we could go to eat. Things we could get that we've not had in a long time. Ask him to stop there. Ask him to stop here. Get one of these. Suggest dessert. Suggest bringing things home. Suggest stopping at two places.

But my body was....fine. I'd eaten breakfast around 11 and it was only around 2 when we got there. I had water to drink. We went to the appointment we needed to do and then did some shopping. 

Finally, around three, I was actually starting to feel a little hungry. My brain went into OVERDRIVE with the suggestions. What about that food truck? What about THAT food truck? What about that place? Oh, candy shop. What about stopping here? Maybe suggest we bring something home.

But my body...while somewhat hungry, was reminding me that I don't eat like that anymore. If I ate more than what I know I can handle, I would be sick and uncomfortable all the way home. 

It was a really strange experience. I know that everything my brain wanted was just out of habit and out of boredom and as a way to console me because the traffic was still bad. It's just that I knew it wasn't going to work for me. Eating more than what I've become accustomed to would have caused all kinds of problems. 

So yes. There IS a mental part to this. There is certainly an emotional part to this. However, the fact that my body has finally gotten the hunger part of this sorted out, the mental and emotional parts can be shown reason. 

Oh and this isn't a matter of me having more discipline than I used to. I have no more discipline than I ever have. I just have a body that isn't jacked up and misreading itself. 

Car Ride

My roommate's van rarely gets driven so we make a habit of driving it once a week. It's not a very long trip. It's just a little jaunt for us to make sure the van still runs.

For a while, I wasn't going with him. It was getting too difficult for me to get into the van and a little scary for me to get out of it. 

But since I've lost some weight, it's been easier to manage that kind of thing. I've been riding around with him for a few weeks now and it's really nice. It's been really good to just to ride in the van, look at the trees, and gossip about the local animals. 

I'm glad I'm regaining things like this. It feels good. It makes me very happy. I hope this trend continues.

Busy Week

There is a lot going on this week. I have stories I need to do as well as some other projects. We'll see how it goes. It may take me longer than expected to finish some things but that's fine. 

I'm feeling somewhat betterish. Recovery has been days in the happening but as long as I'm seeing improvement, I'm okay with it.

Warmer

The trend of betterish continues. Less snot left my body. I don't sound as much like a Victorian orphan when I cough. Both of these are good signs assuming I don't regress.

I really hope I don't regress. 

It was also warmer today. We need to find out about the lawmowing guy and if he'll be doing said lawnmowing this year. I hope he will.

Betterish

Did I feel better today? Yes, but let's be real here. The bar was very, very low.

I didn't snot as much as I did yesterday, even though there was a pretty nasty coughing bout. I ate more than I usually do, but I probably need it right now. So there's that.

Being sick sucks.

St. Patrick's Day

My roommate fixed us colcannon for dinner. It was amazing. We'll probably have it for a few more days as well. 

I'm still sick but marginally less so. Wearing the CPAP makes everything more difficult when you have congestion or any kind of head cold. Technically it's supposed to make it easier on you, but I'm not sure it does. Still, the idea of sleeping without is is even more miserable. 

Snot

You know that probably isn't the most delicate or classy title for my post, but's the truth. I have a nasty sinus infection and my whole face is a river. It is very, very annoying.

That was basically my day today and honestly, it was my day yesterday as well. I managed to publish a story, but only just barely. At least I'm not sick to my stomach.

In positive news, I had a good therapy session, took my vitamins, and got quite a few comments from people about my writing. So yay.

Free Sims Content

Sims updated with free content today. It's a new life stage. After newborns are a day or so old, they will transition into being infants. Infants will have a personality trait, clothing, and various skills they can learn.  

I'm not super enthused about this. It's nice, but I honestly rarely play with children in the game. They're a lot of work and kind of boring. Maybe the new content will change that, but I really doubt it.

As the Saying Goes

Certain conservative lawmakers are floating the idea of giving women the death penalty if they have abortions. This, of course, is not a measure to make the lives of anyone easier. If they cared about that, they would make the changes needed to encourage more people to give birth (higher wages, better daycare, better medical access, lower cost of living, affordable housing, etc). No, this is about punishing people. All they want to do is punish people.

I am not at risk for pregnancy anymore. Thank fuck. But I did consider how I would feel about this if it was still a possibility. Quite quickly, I knew my opinion on the matter.

Fine.

Fine. Kill me. If my choices are either being forced to give birth to a child with my horrible genetics, lack of resources, and chance for mental illness into a world where things are worse and more restrictive and limited every day OR I spare someone all of that pain and I get killed for my efforts, then fine. I choose the death penalty. 

I would refuse, and I hope others will refuse, to capitulate to the oppressive fuckers. I would refuse to bring a child into a world where extremists are trying to turn my country into a merciless theocracy. If my choices are to be your broodmare or face a firing squad, load your guns.

As the saying goes, give me liberty or give me death. I'm not going to be your slave. 

Sunshine

I'm going to try and be positive about Daylight Savings Time this year. I am going to try and embrace it for the extra sunlight I was given and be happy and positive about that. 

So there was some more sun. Yay. We'll ignore that I'm insanely sleepy right now.

At the Moment

I've been ill for a bit, shakey and queasy and uncomfortable. 

If I'm being honest, at the moment I really loathe food. I hate it. I hate the whole process of eating and gaining energy and storing fat and expelling things. I hate it so much. It's been nothing but an endless road of hell and discomfort for me. 

I wish I never had to eat again. I wish I could just survive off air or sunlight. I wish I could just be free of the whole process and never have to deal with a meal or its consequences again. 

Mind you, I have been sick for a few days. I know that's contributing to this. I know that now that I'm free from the constant gnawing sense of hunger that my whole relationship with food is changing. I'm sure it will settle on something positive and healthy. 

Right now though...

I'm guessing this is kind of like the stages of grief and I'm squarely in the Anger stage. Seriously, even though things can still taste good in the moment, I really truly hate food right now. I can't even think about it without sneering. 

Cold Days

One of the side effects of my meds is that it makes me very cold. When the cold hits, it makes me bitterly, unbelievably cold and I have to wrap myself in blankets and shiver until I warm back up. This happened all today, even though it technically wasn't all that cold. 

I'm happy I have blankets that I made to use. Knitted blankets are lightweight but also very warm. They're deeply comforting and cozy. When I napped this afternoon, I kept my bedroom blanket on me and it kept me at a more even temp than the other blankets on my bed usually do. 

Anyway I am sure irony will keep this side effect from helping me during the summer. It would be NICE to just be cooler than normal during the brutal summer months, but my luck usually isn't that good. I'll be the same resentful sweaty mess I normally am. 

Better

I'm feeling a little better. My body was still weird all day and threatened me often, but didn't act extreme like it did yesterday. My emotions were all over the place though. There is some anxiety trying to set in. I'll have to deal with that.

I guess other than that, I'm fine. 

Bad Day

I woke up in the middle of the night and I was sick. I continued to be sick for the rest of the day. I had to switch my doctor's appointment to virtual and even then just only barely managed to make it through. 

My stomach calmed down some past noon but then got nasty again in the evening. It's been a few hours since the last round and I hope it has decided to stop again. I have my doubts though. 

I really hope this doesn't last very long.

Early Post

I have to be up early in the morning which means I need to go to bed early so I'm writing this now. I'm kind of nervous about the appointment, but mostly just because I have to leave the house, go inside a building, and be judged. I don't anticipate anything awful happening. 

I mean, it always could, but hopefully not.

It's kind of warm today and it's dark. That's not a happy combination. I think I'll try to console myself by watching people apartment tours. 

Dust

I cleaned some on the kitchen today. Mostly I just swept and cleaned the trashcan lid. It wasn't a lot, but it's cleaner than it was so I'll take that as progress. 

I go to the doctor's on Tuesday morning. I don't have to have a pelvic exam, so it's already better than the last appointment. I hope it goes well. I'm not as panicky as I was last time, but then again, no pelvic so yay.

It was warmer and brighter today. The brightness really inspired the kitchen cleaning. Most of the time it feels like there just isn't enough light to do anything. And then it's summer and it's just too hot to do anything. 

Today, however, I had some sun and it was still cool. That's always glorious.

Rough Saturday

I was cold today and my stomach never quite settled. I've been listening to a story, but stopped it about a 1/3 of the way to the end because I found I just couldn't handle any kind of conflict for a while. That's always a pretty clear sign my anxiety is acting up. 

But honestly, why wouldn't it be? It feels like everything I love and adore is under attack. When things start sliding into authoritarianism and conservativism, my only consolation is that I'm almost 50 and I'll die soon and not have to live in this backsliding, regressive hellscape. 

This won't make things better. This kind of stuff only makes people miserable. We were just starting to pull people out of perpetual misery but now these assholes want to drag us back down into it. It's so annoying. Some of us want more for our lives than to be breeders who breed more breeders who breed more breeders. 

I feel for everyone else. I really do. I can't be pulled into this nasty little cycle, but it sucks for everyone else who wanted to just live a happy, solo life. Hopefully, something will switch around so people can be safe again. 

Alternatives

There is a lot of murmur going on about men not getting married. There is also a lot of blame being placed on women, which is, quite frankly typical and insane. They keep wanting women to lower their standards. They shouldn't. That isn't the solution here.

I've written about this before, but I think it needs repeating. We need to stop acting like traditional marriage is THE ONLY PATH that people can take. It's not.

There isn't this either-or thing where either you get married OR you're alone forever. It also isn't true that if you are alone, you're unhappy.  Plenty of people live alone in the peace of their own thoughts and find a great deal of happiness. 

But if that doesn't interest you, there are other ways to create a domestic situation for yourself. I have. I've been in a platonic domestic partnership for over 20 years. 

It's still important to find someone (or someones) with qualities that you want in your life. You need to find a situation where the kind of home you want to build is the kind of home others want as well. It certainly isn't always easy. 

And it's important to know yourself, which admittedly no one really does when they're young. Not completely anyway. Still, you probably know that you want certain things, such as stability. Most of us want to know everyone is on board about getting the bills paid and that no one wants to live in a house where they feel unsafe. 

You still have to have things to bring to the table. In my case, it was a small set of resources and the ability to make people laugh. That was enough though. This idea that you have to be sexually attractive/available if you want to have a stable, happy, shared life is just a flat-out lie. You can live a very full, partnered life without that.

Oh and another thing. A lot of the people who are single right now are in their 20s and 30s. We need to stop acting like that is the ruin of their lives. Many people don't settle down until they're older. They spend their younger years exploring things and experiencing the world and educating themselves. They shouldn't be made to feel bad that they're taking time for themselves. 

Life can be very full and delightful without any romance in it at all. 

Again No

EA has put a clothing pack behind a paywall that will only be opened for those willing to have a monthly subscription. Everyone is mad. Everyone is pretty sure this is the preview of how things will be when Sims 5 comes out. 

Mind you, it probably won't be 'you subscribe and you get all of our content for your efforts' but 'you subscribe but we'll still charge you for most of the content we come up with.' It's giving me a headache just thinking about it.

I really really hate the idea of NOT getting the next version of Sims. At the same time, I really can't afford to spend money every month on a subscription. So I guess if this is the model they to with, it will be the end of my time as a Sims player.