This Many Posts In and I Still have Stuff to Say

I suck at consistency. I mean, I really, really, really suck at it.  My life is paved with good intentions of changing this or doing that or improving something or starting/finishing a project. Most of the time, it never happens.  And I'm not just talking about crap no one wants to do like exercise, I mean even fun stuff like video games and books.  Wow? Fun? I'm such a geek.

Okay, there are some things I finished.  I have a Masters Degree. I wrote a book during NANOWRIMO a few years back.  I complete knitting projects provided they're not too hard and don't take too long.  Oh wow, that really isn't much, is it? Damn.

There are a lot of reasons I stop. I get bored. I'm self-defeating. I get sick. I get discouraged. I go crazier for a while. I think all of it is symptomatic of people with my background.  I'm also sure most people chalk it up to pure laziness.  Sometimes, I think they're right. Everything I'm learning about my depression tells me it has a lot to do with it as well.

Therefore, I am quite pleased and not just a little surprised to find myself still blogging after three months.  Okay, I realize three months doesn't sound like a long time, but for me, it sure as hell is. And not just blogging once in a while, blogging almost every night. Half the time, the posts are even fun. That is an accomplishment.

You know, one of the things I've learned in the process of getting my life together is that you have to think in small steps.  Don't think about ALL the weight you have to lose, think about the next pound. Don't think about ALL the money you don't have, think about saving just a small bit at a time.  In this case, I'm not thinking about "will I be blogging in two years?" because my mind just automatically goes to me looking at this blog and it not having been touched for months.

No, I'm just going to think about this one post at a time.  One bit of my life, one essay of thought, one rambling documentation of my pain and confusion (or snark) at a time.

For right now though, for this moment, I'm going to be damned proud of myself.  Three months of blogging. Yippie!

Organic Expressions

Went to therapy today and we talked about how I'm now blogging. It's something that she's suggested to me before, but knew I would only start when I was ready.  I explained to her, when it was first considered, that I could never blog or journal for merely therapy reasons.  It had to be more organic than that.  Blogging isn't something you should fake.

So far I've blogged everyday, which is something I guess I am committed to doing.  I'm not good with commitments though. We'll see how it goes.

I do have goals for this. Big plans.  I edited some of my pictures today because I'd thought about making a nice picture-y post.  Then I decided I didn't want that to happen. Instead, I worked on my new knitted hat (with horns) and played Facebook games. The hat turned out well-ish. I'm content with it.  I don't have a conventional sized head (or anything else) so anything I do is always part of the process of finding out what works best to fit me. The hat I like the fit on most before working on this one was 8 inches long.  It was a bit too big so I tried for seven this time. I'm thinking that is just a wee too small, so seven and a half will be the length for next time. I think that should do it.

Even though I first started making things for myself out of need (because nothing fits me properly), I find that as I get better with it, there is a deep satisfaction in designing things for myself.  I think no matter where things go with my other goals, self-created fashion will always be with me now.

The Second Post

As uncreative as that title sounds, I did it for a reason.  See, I've started a lot of blogs over the years. Livejournal, Deadjournal, other stuff I can't remember. I was always really good at that first post, but by the second post, I was having . . .well, second thoughts about the whole thing. Do I really want people reading my journals?

Second posts are like second dates.  Okay, you go on the first date. You have all the awkwardness, but also also the excitement of it. You have hope for what may happen. I mean, let's face it. As much as we want to pretend that a first date is totally casual, it never really is.

Second dates though . . . that is a lot harder.  You have less excuse for the awkwardness but also doubts about whether or not you can pull off seeming fun, attractive, and mostly sane for another dinner. I think second dates are probably the hardest of all.

Or you know, I assume they are. I don't date.

But I do start journals.  Or I did start journals. Over and over again. There is probably this cyberspace black hole of my good but never fulfilled intentions.

The main difference now is that I've come to that place where follow up doesn't seem so intimidating anymore. I may not sound fun, attractive, or mostly sane, but that's okay.

One of the problems faced by many people who start journals is that they think like writers and not like people who are writing journals. When you're taking Creative Writing 101, they keep telling you to think about your audience. It creates this pressure for performance that makes many people shy away from the blog.

And, okay, some journals are about the audience and only them.  But I think for most people, blogs should be about the blogger. This is your own experience in type.  Other people will glean from it because of that pesky yet interesting aspect where we all find our common humanity.

Anyway, second post is done. From what I hear, on the third post, we get to go all the way.