I am a great lover (and perverter) of the English language. I think it is a beautiful thing and can create and capture some of the most poignant moments of the human experience.
IT CAN ALSO BE DAMNED FUNNY!
For this Friday List, I will offer up some of the words that make me laugh, no matter how grave the situation.
1. ELVIS
I don't know what it is about the name of The King, but I always snirk a little when I hear it. Maybe it's because of the scene in Kalafornia when Brat Pitt yells "Elvis, get off him!" to the one dog screwing the other dog. Or maybe it's the whole kitsch of people impersonating him. I'm not sure, but that name is so funny to me. If I ever own a rooster, I'm naming it Elvis.
2. MONKEY
Okay, has there ever been a better named animal than monkeys? Monkeys LOOK like they should be called monkeys. Monkey gets even funnier when you put it with other words. "monkey dance" "monkey business." See? Funny! When I hear the word "monkey" in my head, I always see millions of monkeys in the sky, floating along with bananas. Yes, even when I hear "the monkey then attacked the man's face."
3. PILGRIM
This has to be proof that I'm crazy. There is nothing remotely funny about this word. It is made from the sound of two words (pill and grim) that both evoke BAD. Yet, I laugh whenever I hear the word. I'm not sure why "pilgrim" makes me chuckle so. I know they suffered a lot and then did bad things to others, but to me, they will always be a bunch of dudes in fugly hats and women with panties on their heads who are trying to sneak up on a turkey.
4. RHOMBUS
This one got me into trouble a lot back during Freshmen Geometry. A rhombus, as you will recall, is a quadrilateral where all four sides equal the same length. Boring, right?
Well, not to me. For some reason, any word that has one syllable followed by another syllable that ends in -"us" and I am going to find it funny. And while I intellectually know what a rhombus really is, in my mind, it will always be a bulldog smoking a cigar and wearing a clown hat. And I have no idea WHERE that image came from, but if you say "rhombus" that is what pops into my brain.
Needless to say, if I ever own a bulldog, its name shall be Rhombus.
Do I have a point with this list?
Oh yes, I do. When you were a little kid, you watched the people around you, you listened to them, and sometimes, yes, they even worked with you and through all of that, you acquired language skills. Our ability to speak and put words to images, symbols to ideas, is one of our fundamental building blocks, and for most of us, usually one of our first accomplishments.
Often unless something happens to take away our ability to speak, we don't think much about it. We should though. We are in possession of all of these words and sounds and related images. Given that, maybe we should take some time to allow our brains to play with these concepts and see what we find. After all, I think everyone out there has words they find funny. Maybe if you discover your "funny words," it can help you in times of stress.
Just think! Next time your pipes burst, you could console yourself by handling it like an adult on the outside and thinking "Monkey monkey monkey" on the inside.
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Friday, March 4, 2011
Friday, February 11, 2011
Days of Plague and Snarking
If you are ever feeling down and think you have nothing in the world to be thankful for, repeat the following statement. "I am so grateful that Blackhaired Barbie is not my god."
For I would be a cruel, cruel mistress. Okay, I wouldn't be so concerned about your misdeeds and crap like that, unless you were rather annoying, but I would venture into lots of random chaos and send plagues. I've been thinking about this for a while. Plagues should be a truly disturbing thing and not just some event where a lot of bugs or something show up. With that in mind, I give you:
THE PLAGUES OF BLACKHAIRED BARBIE
THE FIRST PLAGUE
Ventriloquist's DummiesIs there anything out there more creepy thank ventriloquist's dummies? With their movable (and therefore, split open) mouths and twisty eyes and strange little voices coming from seemingly no where? Oh, they say it's the human with them. But how do we really know?
This wouldn't be a plague where they fell from the sky or anything. No, no. You would just randomly see them. For instance, you might be getting into your car and look in the rear view mirror and SURPRISE! DUMMY!!! Or you might be walking into the bathroom in the middle of the night, needing to relieve yourself so badly....and sitting there on the toilet SURPRISE! DUMMY!!
OH, this makes me laugh just thinking about.
THE SECOND PLAGUE
TelemarketersDuring the 1990s, this plague was quite common. No matter what you were trying to do in your home, you'd get tons of calls from people wanting to sell you siding or funeral plots or baby lemurs. Okay, maybe that last one is just wishful thinking on my part, but you get the idea. This stopped after the DO NOT CALL list came out. Come to think of it, that's probably one of the best things the government ever did.
With my plague, I would spice it up some. Instead of calling you, the telemarketers would speak directly INTO YOUR BRAIN. They would come on at random times and start pitching products to you . . . like when you were taking a test . . . or performing brain surgery . . . or having sex. The products would either be something you would never want . . . or something you DID want, only very overpriced.
As your god, my point with this plague would be to help you to consider what was truly important.
THE THIRD PLAGUE
CriticsCritics actually have a valid place in our society. They give reviews of food and movies and music. When the critic is informed and noble in their analysis, this can be a wonderful thing. The rest of them tend to just be assholes.
During the plague, each person would have seven critics around them at all times. And they would give critique over every aspect of your life.
"I watched as Sasha brushed her teeth today. Can we say boring? It's like she doesn't even try any more. There is no variety to it. No spark. It's like at some point she just decided tooth brushing worked one way for her and there was no point of further exploration."
"Ho hum. Another day, another moment of Kale getting into his car. Note the way he just slides in, as if it were common place. Where is his sense of adventure?"
Of course, the critics would be able to discuss you with each other and argue about your various merits. They would never come to any type of consensus and place the blame completely on you.
For many people, I hear this is kind of what it's like when your parents stay married.
Anyway, enough of my godlike evil for today. I think you get the idea. Whenever you think things couldn't get any worse, just remember, they seriously could.
I could be in control of your destiny. Bwahahahaaha.....hah!
For I would be a cruel, cruel mistress. Okay, I wouldn't be so concerned about your misdeeds and crap like that, unless you were rather annoying, but I would venture into lots of random chaos and send plagues. I've been thinking about this for a while. Plagues should be a truly disturbing thing and not just some event where a lot of bugs or something show up. With that in mind, I give you:
THE PLAGUES OF BLACKHAIRED BARBIE
THE FIRST PLAGUE
Ventriloquist's DummiesIs there anything out there more creepy thank ventriloquist's dummies? With their movable (and therefore, split open) mouths and twisty eyes and strange little voices coming from seemingly no where? Oh, they say it's the human with them. But how do we really know?
This wouldn't be a plague where they fell from the sky or anything. No, no. You would just randomly see them. For instance, you might be getting into your car and look in the rear view mirror and SURPRISE! DUMMY!!! Or you might be walking into the bathroom in the middle of the night, needing to relieve yourself so badly....and sitting there on the toilet SURPRISE! DUMMY!!
OH, this makes me laugh just thinking about.
THE SECOND PLAGUE
TelemarketersDuring the 1990s, this plague was quite common. No matter what you were trying to do in your home, you'd get tons of calls from people wanting to sell you siding or funeral plots or baby lemurs. Okay, maybe that last one is just wishful thinking on my part, but you get the idea. This stopped after the DO NOT CALL list came out. Come to think of it, that's probably one of the best things the government ever did.
With my plague, I would spice it up some. Instead of calling you, the telemarketers would speak directly INTO YOUR BRAIN. They would come on at random times and start pitching products to you . . . like when you were taking a test . . . or performing brain surgery . . . or having sex. The products would either be something you would never want . . . or something you DID want, only very overpriced.
As your god, my point with this plague would be to help you to consider what was truly important.
THE THIRD PLAGUE
CriticsCritics actually have a valid place in our society. They give reviews of food and movies and music. When the critic is informed and noble in their analysis, this can be a wonderful thing. The rest of them tend to just be assholes.
During the plague, each person would have seven critics around them at all times. And they would give critique over every aspect of your life.
"I watched as Sasha brushed her teeth today. Can we say boring? It's like she doesn't even try any more. There is no variety to it. No spark. It's like at some point she just decided tooth brushing worked one way for her and there was no point of further exploration."
"Ho hum. Another day, another moment of Kale getting into his car. Note the way he just slides in, as if it were common place. Where is his sense of adventure?"
Of course, the critics would be able to discuss you with each other and argue about your various merits. They would never come to any type of consensus and place the blame completely on you.
For many people, I hear this is kind of what it's like when your parents stay married.
Anyway, enough of my godlike evil for today. I think you get the idea. Whenever you think things couldn't get any worse, just remember, they seriously could.
I could be in control of your destiny. Bwahahahaaha.....hah!
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