People have been really annoying me lately. People in general, people in the media, people who think they should talk without using their brains or logic. I try to tune them out, but most of the time, it's difficult to avoid them. My therapist always says I shouldn't dwell on my negative feelings, so instead, I'll fantasize about what punishments I would give them if I were god.
TO THOSE WHO PRESUME TO CRITICIZE THE LOOKS OF OTHERS, I HEREBY PUNISH WITH HORRIBLE PHOTOGRAPHS.
Yes, from now on, those who seek to talk smack about how other people look will see only the most ogrish and revolting images of themselves. No amount of photoshopping will alter their vacant expressions of inbredery and revoltingness.
If there are fingers seen in the picture, they will be filthy, or in your nose, or look like they are going into someone's butt. Your hair will always look wonked and your eyes will show your inner ugliness and wickedness. Your skin color will look sallow or reddish or just zombyish.
No matter how much you protest that you are attractive, there will be no photographic evidence of this whatsoever.
TO THOSE WHO SEEK TO SPEAK IN FRONT OF GROUPS OF OTHERS AND SAY HATEFUL AND IGNORANT THINGS, I HEREBY PUNISH WITH CONSTANT AND LOUD FLATULENCE.
That's right. Any time someone thinks it's a good idea to blame little girls for getting raped while speaking in a public forum or, I dunno, maybe suggesting that Asians shouldn't go into the library, whenever you are in public and making such stupid remarks, no one will hear you because you will just be farting very, very, very loudly.
The farts will not only be loud, they will smell horrible. The odor will linger around you as a constant reminder of your bullshitery. As you most often use your words to harm others, now shall what spouts from your own ass harm you.
TO THOSE WHO SEEK TO USE RELIGION AS A TOOL OF HATE, I PUNISH YOU WITH THE FRUSTRATION OF PATRONIZING KINDNESS.
No, no one will be violent to you. No, you will never be yelled at or have things thrown at you again. Instead, people will just look at you for the crazy you are. "Oh, don't pay him any attention. That's just nutty old Fred. He gets his family together every weekend and they glitter up signs and go try and get people to pay attention to them. It's sad, really."
People won't bomb you. They won't shake their fists at you. They won't stop you from doing what you feel you should do. But at the same time, they will never take you seriously. They will never listen to you. When they look at you they will only see someone who is a poor, crazy, pathetic mess who deserves only pity.
The great thing about this is that there would be a lot of people who got hit with all three. They would look bad in photos, constantly fart, and never be taken seriously. All the time.
Ohhh, it would be so glorious. If, a bit smelly . . . .
Showing posts with label god. Show all posts
Showing posts with label god. Show all posts
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Messages from Above
I did a post a while back about how it's a good thing that I'm not your deity. In that post, I talked about plagues and it was fun! Very fun.
While I'm cooking up some new possible plagues for people, I wanted to talk about the signs and wonders I would send people.
You hear people complain a lot about how they don't feel connected with their deity. Oh yes, and there are also the people who claim to talk to their god all the time, but a lot of them have shifty eyes, so you gotta wonder. Anyway, were I the god in question, there would be no doubts. I'd talk to people all the time. IN FACT, I'd make notes appear in front of their faces so the messages would be clear.
Examples:
Dear Billybob,
What, are you kidding? You are buying ANOTHER truck? You own six. None of them work. And you're buying this one from the same guy who sold you the last two trucks, that two legged dog, and the old Atari game system he put a Playstation sticker on? NO! Just stop! There is no reason to do this. PUT THE KEYS DOWN.
Kissies,
Your Creatrix
Dear Heaven-Destiny,
DO NOT try out for American Idol. For one thing, it's not really the best way to get into the music industry. Kinda lame, actually. Second of all, you can't sing. You can dance pretty well and you make great fried pickles. Find a way to work with that.
Hugs forever,
Your Creatrix
Dear Scooter,
What's up with the dogs? You have ten. They bark all night and keep your neighbors up. How can you possibly see this as a good thing? Do you not grasp the ripples here? Your neighbors can't sleep, they go to work groggy, they smart off to their boss's mother-in-law, they get fired. Pretty soon, they move out because they can't pay their mortgage and you're living in an abandoned area . . . with ten barking dogs. Wait, this might solve itself. Nevermind.
Sending some dog treats,
Your Creatrix
Enough of that, on to more plagues.
Aside from the disturbing plagues of badness, I would also have some good ones . . . just to spice things up.
THE FORTH PLAGUE
Breath Mints from the Sky
When this plague happens, as the title suggests, breath mints fall from the heavens. I think as a nice godlike touch, it would be those strips that melt on your tongue. They would just waft down from the sky and land in your mouth when it was open.
Of course, this being a plague, even if they intentions were nice, the application would still be chaos. Some people would get the strips in their eyes. Some would have them sticking in their hair. They would land on cars and houses. I'm seeing flies really being into this. OH HEY! Plague of Flies for free! I didn't even have to do anything. Awesome.
THE FIFTH PLAGUE
Smiling
Yes, life is always better when people smile. So in this plague, you see far more smiles than you're used to. People smile at you no matter where you go. Wide, happy smiles. Sometimes, they knock on your door and when you answer it, they just smile and walk away.
Again, while it has great intentions, this plague is deeply creepy, especially for anyone suffering from PTDS after the First Plague. Look, we all know the truth of this. No matter now many times they tell us in elementary school that smiling is a wonderful thing, and no matter how much we may believe that, there is a fine line....a very VERY fine line.....that once crossed, smiling just becomes creepy and disturbing.
Face it, if you walked into a room and everyone was smiling . . . would you go in?
I think we all know the answer.
Anyway, I think I've given you enough to be grateful for here. Sleep well. Happy smiles.
While I'm cooking up some new possible plagues for people, I wanted to talk about the signs and wonders I would send people.
You hear people complain a lot about how they don't feel connected with their deity. Oh yes, and there are also the people who claim to talk to their god all the time, but a lot of them have shifty eyes, so you gotta wonder. Anyway, were I the god in question, there would be no doubts. I'd talk to people all the time. IN FACT, I'd make notes appear in front of their faces so the messages would be clear.
Examples:
Dear Billybob,
What, are you kidding? You are buying ANOTHER truck? You own six. None of them work. And you're buying this one from the same guy who sold you the last two trucks, that two legged dog, and the old Atari game system he put a Playstation sticker on? NO! Just stop! There is no reason to do this. PUT THE KEYS DOWN.
Kissies,
Your Creatrix
Dear Heaven-Destiny,
DO NOT try out for American Idol. For one thing, it's not really the best way to get into the music industry. Kinda lame, actually. Second of all, you can't sing. You can dance pretty well and you make great fried pickles. Find a way to work with that.
Hugs forever,
Your Creatrix
Dear Scooter,
What's up with the dogs? You have ten. They bark all night and keep your neighbors up. How can you possibly see this as a good thing? Do you not grasp the ripples here? Your neighbors can't sleep, they go to work groggy, they smart off to their boss's mother-in-law, they get fired. Pretty soon, they move out because they can't pay their mortgage and you're living in an abandoned area . . . with ten barking dogs. Wait, this might solve itself. Nevermind.
Sending some dog treats,
Your Creatrix
Enough of that, on to more plagues.
Aside from the disturbing plagues of badness, I would also have some good ones . . . just to spice things up.
THE FORTH PLAGUE
Breath Mints from the Sky
When this plague happens, as the title suggests, breath mints fall from the heavens. I think as a nice godlike touch, it would be those strips that melt on your tongue. They would just waft down from the sky and land in your mouth when it was open.
Of course, this being a plague, even if they intentions were nice, the application would still be chaos. Some people would get the strips in their eyes. Some would have them sticking in their hair. They would land on cars and houses. I'm seeing flies really being into this. OH HEY! Plague of Flies for free! I didn't even have to do anything. Awesome.
THE FIFTH PLAGUE
Smiling
Yes, life is always better when people smile. So in this plague, you see far more smiles than you're used to. People smile at you no matter where you go. Wide, happy smiles. Sometimes, they knock on your door and when you answer it, they just smile and walk away.
Again, while it has great intentions, this plague is deeply creepy, especially for anyone suffering from PTDS after the First Plague. Look, we all know the truth of this. No matter now many times they tell us in elementary school that smiling is a wonderful thing, and no matter how much we may believe that, there is a fine line....a very VERY fine line.....that once crossed, smiling just becomes creepy and disturbing.
Face it, if you walked into a room and everyone was smiling . . . would you go in?
I think we all know the answer.
Anyway, I think I've given you enough to be grateful for here. Sleep well. Happy smiles.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Days of Plague and Snarking
If you are ever feeling down and think you have nothing in the world to be thankful for, repeat the following statement. "I am so grateful that Blackhaired Barbie is not my god."
For I would be a cruel, cruel mistress. Okay, I wouldn't be so concerned about your misdeeds and crap like that, unless you were rather annoying, but I would venture into lots of random chaos and send plagues. I've been thinking about this for a while. Plagues should be a truly disturbing thing and not just some event where a lot of bugs or something show up. With that in mind, I give you:
THE PLAGUES OF BLACKHAIRED BARBIE
THE FIRST PLAGUE
Ventriloquist's DummiesIs there anything out there more creepy thank ventriloquist's dummies? With their movable (and therefore, split open) mouths and twisty eyes and strange little voices coming from seemingly no where? Oh, they say it's the human with them. But how do we really know?
This wouldn't be a plague where they fell from the sky or anything. No, no. You would just randomly see them. For instance, you might be getting into your car and look in the rear view mirror and SURPRISE! DUMMY!!! Or you might be walking into the bathroom in the middle of the night, needing to relieve yourself so badly....and sitting there on the toilet SURPRISE! DUMMY!!
OH, this makes me laugh just thinking about.
THE SECOND PLAGUE
TelemarketersDuring the 1990s, this plague was quite common. No matter what you were trying to do in your home, you'd get tons of calls from people wanting to sell you siding or funeral plots or baby lemurs. Okay, maybe that last one is just wishful thinking on my part, but you get the idea. This stopped after the DO NOT CALL list came out. Come to think of it, that's probably one of the best things the government ever did.
With my plague, I would spice it up some. Instead of calling you, the telemarketers would speak directly INTO YOUR BRAIN. They would come on at random times and start pitching products to you . . . like when you were taking a test . . . or performing brain surgery . . . or having sex. The products would either be something you would never want . . . or something you DID want, only very overpriced.
As your god, my point with this plague would be to help you to consider what was truly important.
THE THIRD PLAGUE
CriticsCritics actually have a valid place in our society. They give reviews of food and movies and music. When the critic is informed and noble in their analysis, this can be a wonderful thing. The rest of them tend to just be assholes.
During the plague, each person would have seven critics around them at all times. And they would give critique over every aspect of your life.
"I watched as Sasha brushed her teeth today. Can we say boring? It's like she doesn't even try any more. There is no variety to it. No spark. It's like at some point she just decided tooth brushing worked one way for her and there was no point of further exploration."
"Ho hum. Another day, another moment of Kale getting into his car. Note the way he just slides in, as if it were common place. Where is his sense of adventure?"
Of course, the critics would be able to discuss you with each other and argue about your various merits. They would never come to any type of consensus and place the blame completely on you.
For many people, I hear this is kind of what it's like when your parents stay married.
Anyway, enough of my godlike evil for today. I think you get the idea. Whenever you think things couldn't get any worse, just remember, they seriously could.
I could be in control of your destiny. Bwahahahaaha.....hah!
For I would be a cruel, cruel mistress. Okay, I wouldn't be so concerned about your misdeeds and crap like that, unless you were rather annoying, but I would venture into lots of random chaos and send plagues. I've been thinking about this for a while. Plagues should be a truly disturbing thing and not just some event where a lot of bugs or something show up. With that in mind, I give you:
THE PLAGUES OF BLACKHAIRED BARBIE
THE FIRST PLAGUE
Ventriloquist's DummiesIs there anything out there more creepy thank ventriloquist's dummies? With their movable (and therefore, split open) mouths and twisty eyes and strange little voices coming from seemingly no where? Oh, they say it's the human with them. But how do we really know?
This wouldn't be a plague where they fell from the sky or anything. No, no. You would just randomly see them. For instance, you might be getting into your car and look in the rear view mirror and SURPRISE! DUMMY!!! Or you might be walking into the bathroom in the middle of the night, needing to relieve yourself so badly....and sitting there on the toilet SURPRISE! DUMMY!!
OH, this makes me laugh just thinking about.
THE SECOND PLAGUE
TelemarketersDuring the 1990s, this plague was quite common. No matter what you were trying to do in your home, you'd get tons of calls from people wanting to sell you siding or funeral plots or baby lemurs. Okay, maybe that last one is just wishful thinking on my part, but you get the idea. This stopped after the DO NOT CALL list came out. Come to think of it, that's probably one of the best things the government ever did.
With my plague, I would spice it up some. Instead of calling you, the telemarketers would speak directly INTO YOUR BRAIN. They would come on at random times and start pitching products to you . . . like when you were taking a test . . . or performing brain surgery . . . or having sex. The products would either be something you would never want . . . or something you DID want, only very overpriced.
As your god, my point with this plague would be to help you to consider what was truly important.
THE THIRD PLAGUE
CriticsCritics actually have a valid place in our society. They give reviews of food and movies and music. When the critic is informed and noble in their analysis, this can be a wonderful thing. The rest of them tend to just be assholes.
During the plague, each person would have seven critics around them at all times. And they would give critique over every aspect of your life.
"I watched as Sasha brushed her teeth today. Can we say boring? It's like she doesn't even try any more. There is no variety to it. No spark. It's like at some point she just decided tooth brushing worked one way for her and there was no point of further exploration."
"Ho hum. Another day, another moment of Kale getting into his car. Note the way he just slides in, as if it were common place. Where is his sense of adventure?"
Of course, the critics would be able to discuss you with each other and argue about your various merits. They would never come to any type of consensus and place the blame completely on you.
For many people, I hear this is kind of what it's like when your parents stay married.
Anyway, enough of my godlike evil for today. I think you get the idea. Whenever you think things couldn't get any worse, just remember, they seriously could.
I could be in control of your destiny. Bwahahahaaha.....hah!
Thursday, February 3, 2011
The Road to Hell is Paved with Angry Hate-Puppets
Recently, Bill O'Reilly has been in the news and on blogs about his asinine comments concerning "why atheists are wrong." I think everyone has heard the story. He started talking about how the tide comes in and the tide goes out and this is proof of an orderly god running everything. Then someone explained to him basic science, about how the moon causes tides. After this, he said other stupid things and more or less challenged the atheists to explain to him how all of this works if not for God.
You know, I'm not even going to approach this from a religious perspective. I will speak of the failure to communicate.
Christians (and other groups, I suppose, but I'm mainly around Christians and most often hear them talking) seem to hold a deep anger towards atheists. I've heard a lot of reasons for this. They believe atheists to be smug or arrogant, always going about spouting their nonbeliefs. Does this have some validation? Of course. In any group of people, a percentage of them will be smug assholes. That's just life. Most often, these smug people will also be the loudmouths. Squeaky wheel and all.
Christians will also complain that atheists are seeking to end their religious rights. Atheists stamped out prayer in school, protest when God is mentioned at social functions, that sort of thing. I'm always bemused by the prayer in school thing. When I was in school, I think I prayed all the time. Probably not the most mature or deep of prayers, but prayers nevertheless. It was all silent though. Praying can be, and often should be, like doing Kegel exercises . . . you can do them alll you want and its probably more productive if no one knows.
Deep down though, I think the reason why Christians get bent out of shape about atheists is that they know this is a sign of their own failure. These are the people who haven't been reached through witnessing, prayer, or living a Christ-centered life. Now, many Christians will say this is because the atheists have hardened their hearts against Christ or because they just want to be wicked and sinful....and in some cases, that might be true. Then they meet some atheist who is kind and generous and living a fairly meek and moral life. And no, I'm not saying that will "get you into Heaven" but it does fly in the face of the usual atheists stereotype.
So why are these people atheists?
And see, that single question is where many Christians suddenly begin to fail in communicating. They suddenly get on the defensive (which, by the way, is not Christlike) and go on the attack (also...not that Christlike). Instead of sitting down with the atheist and opening up a discussion about their beliefs and trying to find a common ground so they can start to really communicate, the whole Bill O'Reilly thing happens.
What kills me, is I think I know what Bill was TRYING to say. It would have been something like this, "Look, there is a lot about life I don't get. The world can be chaotic and freaky and very difficult. But sometimes when I'm on the beach, I'm struck by how no matter what is happening in the rest of the world, the tide goes in and comes out as it always does. There is an order to things, a harmony, a certainty. This gives me peace. Even when I'm scared, even when I'm sad, even when everything feels like it's about to fly off its hinges, I can look at the tide and find peace. And this deep peace, to me, is proof of God."
Something like that may not convince someone to change their beliefs, but . . . it also doesn't turn them away from what you're saying. Why? Because instead of being accusatory and sanctimonious (which always shuts people down from listening to you), it is open and inviting. It isn't a blanket statement about the whole world, but a personal statement about yourself. And that is what Christianity is supposed to be about...your relationship with Jesus.
Will we see this type of communication on shows like his? Probably not. It requires vulnerability and sincerity. It requires being able to get past your anger at someone else and opening up to let them see a part of you.
While this example is about religion, I think the concept is a problem in a lot of the way we try to talk to one another. Very often as Americans, we have opposing political or social views. We're all quite sure ours are correct and often get angry, fairly quickly and irrationally, when someone doesn't see it our way.
The worst thing we do at this point is try to demand they prove to us WHY they don't believe the way we do. O'Reilly made this error as well. It's not up to the atheists to prove to HIM why they don't believe in God. It's for him to find a way to help them see why they should. When you are the one wanting someone to change, they owe you NO justifications for why they won't. You are the one who is there to persuade them.
If you truly want someone to change their opinions about something, don't yell and scream at them. Don't insult them and try to bully them by surrounding yourself with people who see things the way you do. That might drown them out and it might keep them from making decisions . . . hell, it might even get them killed. It doesn't change their minds though. It doesn't persuade them to do or believe anything differently. So really, you've lost the argument. And if you are inclined to believe this way, you may have helped someone to lose their way.
You know, I'm not even going to approach this from a religious perspective. I will speak of the failure to communicate.
Christians (and other groups, I suppose, but I'm mainly around Christians and most often hear them talking) seem to hold a deep anger towards atheists. I've heard a lot of reasons for this. They believe atheists to be smug or arrogant, always going about spouting their nonbeliefs. Does this have some validation? Of course. In any group of people, a percentage of them will be smug assholes. That's just life. Most often, these smug people will also be the loudmouths. Squeaky wheel and all.
Christians will also complain that atheists are seeking to end their religious rights. Atheists stamped out prayer in school, protest when God is mentioned at social functions, that sort of thing. I'm always bemused by the prayer in school thing. When I was in school, I think I prayed all the time. Probably not the most mature or deep of prayers, but prayers nevertheless. It was all silent though. Praying can be, and often should be, like doing Kegel exercises . . . you can do them alll you want and its probably more productive if no one knows.
Deep down though, I think the reason why Christians get bent out of shape about atheists is that they know this is a sign of their own failure. These are the people who haven't been reached through witnessing, prayer, or living a Christ-centered life. Now, many Christians will say this is because the atheists have hardened their hearts against Christ or because they just want to be wicked and sinful....and in some cases, that might be true. Then they meet some atheist who is kind and generous and living a fairly meek and moral life. And no, I'm not saying that will "get you into Heaven" but it does fly in the face of the usual atheists stereotype.
So why are these people atheists?
And see, that single question is where many Christians suddenly begin to fail in communicating. They suddenly get on the defensive (which, by the way, is not Christlike) and go on the attack (also...not that Christlike). Instead of sitting down with the atheist and opening up a discussion about their beliefs and trying to find a common ground so they can start to really communicate, the whole Bill O'Reilly thing happens.
What kills me, is I think I know what Bill was TRYING to say. It would have been something like this, "Look, there is a lot about life I don't get. The world can be chaotic and freaky and very difficult. But sometimes when I'm on the beach, I'm struck by how no matter what is happening in the rest of the world, the tide goes in and comes out as it always does. There is an order to things, a harmony, a certainty. This gives me peace. Even when I'm scared, even when I'm sad, even when everything feels like it's about to fly off its hinges, I can look at the tide and find peace. And this deep peace, to me, is proof of God."
Something like that may not convince someone to change their beliefs, but . . . it also doesn't turn them away from what you're saying. Why? Because instead of being accusatory and sanctimonious (which always shuts people down from listening to you), it is open and inviting. It isn't a blanket statement about the whole world, but a personal statement about yourself. And that is what Christianity is supposed to be about...your relationship with Jesus.
Will we see this type of communication on shows like his? Probably not. It requires vulnerability and sincerity. It requires being able to get past your anger at someone else and opening up to let them see a part of you.
While this example is about religion, I think the concept is a problem in a lot of the way we try to talk to one another. Very often as Americans, we have opposing political or social views. We're all quite sure ours are correct and often get angry, fairly quickly and irrationally, when someone doesn't see it our way.
The worst thing we do at this point is try to demand they prove to us WHY they don't believe the way we do. O'Reilly made this error as well. It's not up to the atheists to prove to HIM why they don't believe in God. It's for him to find a way to help them see why they should. When you are the one wanting someone to change, they owe you NO justifications for why they won't. You are the one who is there to persuade them.
If you truly want someone to change their opinions about something, don't yell and scream at them. Don't insult them and try to bully them by surrounding yourself with people who see things the way you do. That might drown them out and it might keep them from making decisions . . . hell, it might even get them killed. It doesn't change their minds though. It doesn't persuade them to do or believe anything differently. So really, you've lost the argument. And if you are inclined to believe this way, you may have helped someone to lose their way.
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