Days of Plague and Snarking

If you are ever feeling down and think you have nothing in the world to be thankful for, repeat the following statement. "I am so grateful that Blackhaired Barbie is not my god."

For I would be a cruel, cruel mistress.  Okay, I wouldn't be so concerned about your misdeeds and crap like that,  unless you were rather annoying, but I would venture into lots of random chaos and send plagues.  I've been thinking about this for a while. Plagues should be a truly disturbing thing and not just some event where a lot of bugs or something show up. With that in mind, I give you:

THE PLAGUES OF BLACKHAIRED BARBIE

THE FIRST PLAGUE

Ventriloquist's DummiesIs there anything out there more creepy thank ventriloquist's dummies?  With their movable (and therefore, split open) mouths and twisty eyes and strange little voices coming from seemingly no where? Oh, they say it's the human with them. But how do we really know?

This wouldn't be a plague where they fell from the sky or anything. No, no. You would just randomly see them. For instance, you might be getting into your car and look in the rear view mirror and SURPRISE! DUMMY!!!  Or you might be walking into the bathroom in the middle of the night, needing to relieve yourself so badly....and sitting there on the toilet SURPRISE! DUMMY!!

OH, this makes me laugh just thinking about.

THE SECOND PLAGUE

TelemarketersDuring the 1990s, this plague was quite common. No matter what you were trying to do in your home, you'd get tons of calls from people wanting to sell you siding or funeral plots or baby lemurs. Okay, maybe that last one is just wishful thinking on my part, but you get the idea. This stopped after the DO NOT CALL list came out. Come to think of it, that's probably one of the best things the government ever did.

With my plague, I would spice it up some. Instead of calling you, the telemarketers would speak directly INTO YOUR BRAIN. They would come on at random times and start pitching products to you . . . like when you were taking a test . . . or performing brain surgery . . . or having sex.  The products would either be something you would never want . . . or something you DID want, only very overpriced.

As your god, my point with this plague would be to help you to consider what was truly important.

THE THIRD PLAGUE

CriticsCritics actually have a valid place in our society. They give reviews of food and movies and music. When the critic is informed and noble in their analysis, this can be a wonderful thing.  The rest of them tend to just be assholes.

During the plague, each person would have seven critics around them at all times. And they would give critique over every aspect of your life.

"I watched as Sasha brushed her teeth today.  Can we say boring? It's like she doesn't even try any more. There is no variety to it. No spark. It's like at some point she just decided tooth brushing worked one way for her and there was no point of further exploration."

"Ho hum. Another day, another moment of Kale getting into his car. Note the way he just slides in, as if it were common place. Where is his sense of adventure?"

Of course, the critics would be able to discuss you with each other and argue about your various merits.  They would never come to any type of consensus and place the blame completely on you.

For many people, I hear this is kind of what it's like when your parents stay married.

Anyway, enough of my godlike evil for today.  I think you get the idea. Whenever you think things couldn't get any worse, just remember, they seriously could.

I could be in control of your destiny. Bwahahahaaha.....hah!