A few months back, I broke the stationary pedaling machine. I was pretty devastated, as I tend to be whenever I break things, but my roommate just shrugged it off and bought another one. A few days later, noting my hesitation, he asked if I was still upset about breaking it. Of course I was. He reminded me that we'd had it for over a year and that it wasn't that expensive of an item. I felt better about it and resumed my activities.
Last week, the new one broke. It broke in the same place as the last one. This, as you will note, is only a few months after the break of the last one. It's also about the same amount of time that I, personally, was using the thing. Sure, we'd had it for over a year, but I wasn't using it for all of that time. Given that, it looked like the pedal machine was only going to last me about two months. This makes replacing it far more expensive.
This was emotionally rough on me. I had to make a decision to give up the pedaling because I just can't afford to keep replacing it that often. I panicked about this for a while and then just got really depressed. Even though there are alternatives and I've come up with some plans for ways to move around it, it frustrated me. I felt defeated by the whole mess.
This post is hard to write. I'm sure if I had a lot of followers, this post would go viral and people would snicker about that fat woman who breaks work out equipment. It's actually embarrassing to write this and I feel a bit naked in doing so. I gave this a lot of thought and had mostly backed out of even mentioning it.
Why did I change my mind? I think it's for the same reason I blog about the pain I feel as my body is changing due to workouts. When you start losing weight at the size I was, or even at the size I am now, you think the hardest part is going to be sticking to plan. Commitment is hard and by the time you're in your 400-500s, you've started and failed workout programs a lot.
Commitment is only part of the difficulty though. The world just really isn't set up for people as fat as me to lose weight. Equipment is a big problem. Most of it isn't designed to handle people past a certain weight and it will break if you use it. When it breaks, it's very discouraging. And as much as commitment can be hard in this process, feeling like the world is actively discouraging you is even worse.
I'm sure everyone handles this differently. In the past, even I handled it differently. I used to hit walls of discouragement like this and let that end things. It just felt emotionally too difficult to continue. I would break something or someone would say something or the workout would cause too much pain or make me physically ill and I would just stop. And if I'm being really honest here, part of me was always happy when I stopped. I'm not even sure why.
These days, I'm trying a new approach with the discouragement. I give it a couple of days. I let myself be hurt about the situation. Then, I start trying to see if there are ways around it. Sometimes there aren't. Other times, there are. Hell, most of the times there are, it's just a matter of being brave about what you can manage to do with your body.
Even though more and more people are obese now, the world hasn't caught up with this. The world is still designed for people with average body types and that likely isn't going to change. As always, the fat people of the world need to find ways to adapt to this. It can be discouraging and frustrating, but it is what we have to work with. We can let it defeat us . . . or we can let it defeat us for a while, and then move forward with our plans.
Saturday, November 8, 2014
Friday, November 7, 2014
Minor Bits of Productivity
Hey! I was productive(ish) today. To begin with, I made an appointment for my next swab. This is assuming they don't do it when I go to Tulsa on the 17th of December. The appointment is in the morning on the day I go to therapy. This should, in theory, may things easier. We'll see. The end of December tends to be a bit unpredictable.
This next point isn't MY productivity, it's my roommate's. For a week or so now, he's been watching these precooked turkey breasts they had for sale in the deli. Today, he caught them on a very good sale and bought a couple. By good sale, I mean less than three dollars. We get turkey for the holidays! Usually, turkey is way out of our budget and we end up with chicken on dressing. It's nice, but having turkey for a change will be pretty great.
I guess my point of being productive was that I bagged the turkey for freezing. I also took a chicken off the bone. It was already cooked, just to be clear. The chicken was also already roasted and also purchased at a very good sale price. It was turned into bbq chicken to be eaten tomorrow when we get back from seeing my best friend's new baby.
The plumber came today. Finally. Like, after a week of us waiting, he finally showed up. He fixed the thing we wanted him to fix last time and didn't charge us for it. I'm pretty happy about that.
The weather and the time change are really making me tired. Or, I don't know, maybe it's just part of the depression I'm in. I have a feeling this depression is going to last for a while, but we've talked about that before. Even despite it though, I had a good day today. I'm glad of that.
This next point isn't MY productivity, it's my roommate's. For a week or so now, he's been watching these precooked turkey breasts they had for sale in the deli. Today, he caught them on a very good sale and bought a couple. By good sale, I mean less than three dollars. We get turkey for the holidays! Usually, turkey is way out of our budget and we end up with chicken on dressing. It's nice, but having turkey for a change will be pretty great.
I guess my point of being productive was that I bagged the turkey for freezing. I also took a chicken off the bone. It was already cooked, just to be clear. The chicken was also already roasted and also purchased at a very good sale price. It was turned into bbq chicken to be eaten tomorrow when we get back from seeing my best friend's new baby.
The plumber came today. Finally. Like, after a week of us waiting, he finally showed up. He fixed the thing we wanted him to fix last time and didn't charge us for it. I'm pretty happy about that.
The weather and the time change are really making me tired. Or, I don't know, maybe it's just part of the depression I'm in. I have a feeling this depression is going to last for a while, but we've talked about that before. Even despite it though, I had a good day today. I'm glad of that.
Thursday, November 6, 2014
Blah and Ashes
I didn't blog last night and I won't blog too much tonight. Things have been stressful and I feel like ash inside. Normally, I am at least creative enough to handle the blog, but even that is gone now. I'm so empty. I just want to be quiet and zone out and not think about things, but even that isn't possible right now.
I know I'll get past this, but right now, I can't.
Maybe tomorrow.
I know I'll get past this, but right now, I can't.
Maybe tomorrow.
Tuesday, November 4, 2014
Progress Report
One of the new exercises that I do on Lumosity is about paying attention to details. Basically they have you click on an item and then switch screens, asking you to click on a different item. The screen switching and new items continue until you screw up and hit the same one twice. This gets a bit more complicated because you have to do three rounds of it, meaning not only do you have to remember what items you have clicked on and not clicked on for THIS round, but also for the other rounds as well. I did okayish this first time.
However, even though I didn't do that great on the game, I really liked it. I don't think this is something I've seen before on the site and it's a new way to look at how to pay attention to details and keep track of things. I know as I grow older, it will be these kinds of mental skills that will begin to fade first. I worry about that (a lot, really) and want to do everything I can to prevent it.
One of the side benefits I've noticed about exercise, mental or physical, is that it allows me to just tune out the world around me for a while. It's nice when my thoughts can just be all about the task at hand, and not distracted by the constant bullshit stress of life. Sometimes the best thing about a walk is the fact that it allows me to clear my head for a bit.
I've always read about this vicious cycle that fat people can get into. They gain weight. They get depressed. The depression makes them not want to move or try to eat healthy......and so they gain more weight and get more depressed. Every time I would read something about this, I would feel more discouraged about the whole thing. It just seemed like there was no way out.
The opposite is true as well though. I'm in this place where sometimes I eat healthy and sometimes I don't. When I don't, I certainly notice my body doesn't feel as well as it does when I do. I've also noticed that on many levels, I feel better after doing exercise. It improves my level of physical comfort and my mental state. Now, sometimes it exhausts me as well, but that is kind of in conjunction with the rest of it. And those moments of being able to just focus on the task and let the stress go are certainly helping with my emotional and mental health.
However, even though I didn't do that great on the game, I really liked it. I don't think this is something I've seen before on the site and it's a new way to look at how to pay attention to details and keep track of things. I know as I grow older, it will be these kinds of mental skills that will begin to fade first. I worry about that (a lot, really) and want to do everything I can to prevent it.
One of the side benefits I've noticed about exercise, mental or physical, is that it allows me to just tune out the world around me for a while. It's nice when my thoughts can just be all about the task at hand, and not distracted by the constant bullshit stress of life. Sometimes the best thing about a walk is the fact that it allows me to clear my head for a bit.
I've always read about this vicious cycle that fat people can get into. They gain weight. They get depressed. The depression makes them not want to move or try to eat healthy......and so they gain more weight and get more depressed. Every time I would read something about this, I would feel more discouraged about the whole thing. It just seemed like there was no way out.
The opposite is true as well though. I'm in this place where sometimes I eat healthy and sometimes I don't. When I don't, I certainly notice my body doesn't feel as well as it does when I do. I've also noticed that on many levels, I feel better after doing exercise. It improves my level of physical comfort and my mental state. Now, sometimes it exhausts me as well, but that is kind of in conjunction with the rest of it. And those moments of being able to just focus on the task and let the stress go are certainly helping with my emotional and mental health.
Monday, November 3, 2014
Welcome, Frankie
My best friend's baby girl was born on Nov. 3. I suppose that is yesterday, as I'm writing this past midnight. I am overjoyed to welcome her into the world. I'm glad she's here. After all the stuff we've struggled with in 2014, it is good to know that a new person is joining the fold.
I hope Frankie laughs loud. I hope she never apologizes for her own amusements. I hope she walks proudly and rolls her eyes when people try to stop her from doing so. I hope she brushes off taunts and looks at problems as challenges to be overcome. I hope she's good with money, wonderful with friends, and able to let people find joy for themselves without passing judgement. I hope she's strong. I hope people take her seriously. I hope she feels free.
I know she has good parents and a loving support system. I know she has responsible people around her who will make sure she's taken care of. I know she's going to have her ideas treated with dignity. I know her interests will be explored and encouraged. I know she will feel safe and she'll never go to bed hungry. I am so happy for all of this.
Welcome to the world, Frankie. You are loved and adored already. You always will be.
I hope Frankie laughs loud. I hope she never apologizes for her own amusements. I hope she walks proudly and rolls her eyes when people try to stop her from doing so. I hope she brushes off taunts and looks at problems as challenges to be overcome. I hope she's good with money, wonderful with friends, and able to let people find joy for themselves without passing judgement. I hope she's strong. I hope people take her seriously. I hope she feels free.
I know she has good parents and a loving support system. I know she has responsible people around her who will make sure she's taken care of. I know she's going to have her ideas treated with dignity. I know her interests will be explored and encouraged. I know she will feel safe and she'll never go to bed hungry. I am so happy for all of this.
Welcome to the world, Frankie. You are loved and adored already. You always will be.
Sunday, November 2, 2014
Scorno
Recently, there has been a lot of discussion about nerds and geeks and the kind of scorn they face. It's been in the overall Gamergate discussion, but I think it's part of the dialogue that needs to be explored more. That isn't to excuse any of the horrible things that have happened to people in the name of Gamergate, but to point out that there is a lot of pain all around. This article discusses that very well. It talks about the pain of being a social outcast, but still takes the gamers to task for the shit some of them have put other people through.
I am not going to pretend I get this kind of pain for the male perspective, because I'm not one. I empathize, but I won't condescend and say I understand that kind of pain. All I can talk about is my own. I was always a geek girl, but even that was overshadowed by something else. I've was (am) The Fat Girl, which is its own kind of place of scorn.
The thing about being fat is that you can't hide it. Fat people become easy targets for this reason. We're not viewed as attractive. We're assumed to be lazy. People analyze our behaviors and believe they have us all figured out. The shittiest part of that is realizing that a lot of the times, you even play in to their stereotypes. God, that so sucks. And you stereotype them right back. When a lot of people dish our scorn to you, part of your emotional defense is to stop seeing them as individuals and just to see them as types. You begin to fit people into groups of how they will react to you.
There are the Outright Haters. These are the people who will just scream "FAT BITCH" at you for like ten minutes. And laugh. These are the people who believe you're there for their amusement and resentment. This can get pretty brutal for some fat people. There are some Outright Haters who believe they should fat bash. They will beat up fat people just for being fat. I'm not sure what that is supposed to accomplish. Thankfully, this has never happened to me.
As I have mentioned before, there are the Concern Trolls. These people will constantly bring up your fatness, but in a way that makes it seem like they're trying to help you. They'll talk about diets. They'll talk about your health issues. They'll talk about people they know who have changed their lives for the better by getting rid of the fat. Of course, they're not doing this to really help you. They're doing it because they like to make people VERY AWARE of their flaws.
As annoying (and sometimes dangerous) as these first two groups can be, I think the most difficult group to deal with when you're fat are the Charitable Angels. These are the people who will be nice to you and include you in things, but make sure to let you are always aware of the fact that they are doing you a favor. They don't HAVE to be nice to your fatass self, but they will be, and you should be damned grateful for it. You're an undesirable, after all. And they are being so nice by including you. This kind of person never really tries to get to know you as a person. They will always see you as the Token, the misfit they included just to appear inclusive.
Now, I not saying these are the only people I've ever met in my life. I have some very amazing friends who see me as me and accept me for who I am, flaws and all. I love the hell out of them for that. And I'm a grown up now and realize that as much as those three groups can get on my nerves and have done some damage to me, anyone who is the Other faces these people from time to time. And any of us can slip into these groups if we're not being self aware.
I think it's very easy to form opinions about people who are different than us. Hell, look at what I even did with this post! I have all kinds of opinions about the people in these groups, and some of those opinions are less than nice. I think we need to remember that we're not entitled to give everyone our opinions of them though. Sometimes it's best to just keep things to ourselves. Even if we don't like someone or approve of what they do, they still deserve dignity. If we take away their dignity, that's saying a lot more about us than it is about them.
I am not going to pretend I get this kind of pain for the male perspective, because I'm not one. I empathize, but I won't condescend and say I understand that kind of pain. All I can talk about is my own. I was always a geek girl, but even that was overshadowed by something else. I've was (am) The Fat Girl, which is its own kind of place of scorn.
The thing about being fat is that you can't hide it. Fat people become easy targets for this reason. We're not viewed as attractive. We're assumed to be lazy. People analyze our behaviors and believe they have us all figured out. The shittiest part of that is realizing that a lot of the times, you even play in to their stereotypes. God, that so sucks. And you stereotype them right back. When a lot of people dish our scorn to you, part of your emotional defense is to stop seeing them as individuals and just to see them as types. You begin to fit people into groups of how they will react to you.
There are the Outright Haters. These are the people who will just scream "FAT BITCH" at you for like ten minutes. And laugh. These are the people who believe you're there for their amusement and resentment. This can get pretty brutal for some fat people. There are some Outright Haters who believe they should fat bash. They will beat up fat people just for being fat. I'm not sure what that is supposed to accomplish. Thankfully, this has never happened to me.
As I have mentioned before, there are the Concern Trolls. These people will constantly bring up your fatness, but in a way that makes it seem like they're trying to help you. They'll talk about diets. They'll talk about your health issues. They'll talk about people they know who have changed their lives for the better by getting rid of the fat. Of course, they're not doing this to really help you. They're doing it because they like to make people VERY AWARE of their flaws.
As annoying (and sometimes dangerous) as these first two groups can be, I think the most difficult group to deal with when you're fat are the Charitable Angels. These are the people who will be nice to you and include you in things, but make sure to let you are always aware of the fact that they are doing you a favor. They don't HAVE to be nice to your fatass self, but they will be, and you should be damned grateful for it. You're an undesirable, after all. And they are being so nice by including you. This kind of person never really tries to get to know you as a person. They will always see you as the Token, the misfit they included just to appear inclusive.
Now, I not saying these are the only people I've ever met in my life. I have some very amazing friends who see me as me and accept me for who I am, flaws and all. I love the hell out of them for that. And I'm a grown up now and realize that as much as those three groups can get on my nerves and have done some damage to me, anyone who is the Other faces these people from time to time. And any of us can slip into these groups if we're not being self aware.
I think it's very easy to form opinions about people who are different than us. Hell, look at what I even did with this post! I have all kinds of opinions about the people in these groups, and some of those opinions are less than nice. I think we need to remember that we're not entitled to give everyone our opinions of them though. Sometimes it's best to just keep things to ourselves. Even if we don't like someone or approve of what they do, they still deserve dignity. If we take away their dignity, that's saying a lot more about us than it is about them.
Saturday, November 1, 2014
A Few Yay Things
What makes me most happy tonight? The glorious start of Fall Back! We get our blessed hour returned to us and I get to sleep in longer! So much sleeping will be had! I've been looking forward to this for so long. It just pleases me to no end. Yaaaay!
So November is here. My roommate and I raided the store for cheap candy! This is another thing that makes life worth it. We'll be happily sugar high for the rest of the weekend. Yaaaay!
Tomorrow is my best friend's last day of work for a while. She is about to have her second child. This pregnancy has been one of the things that kept me going during the darker days of cancer. I'm glad I'll get to see the baby soon. Yay!
Why am I celebrating? Because I've been depressed for days and days and days! So yes, I'm going to speak of the things that are making me happy. I'm going to bask in a few hours where I feel safe and protected and OKAY with the world. It seems that is so rare anymore. I need to do what I can to really enjoy it.
So November is here. My roommate and I raided the store for cheap candy! This is another thing that makes life worth it. We'll be happily sugar high for the rest of the weekend. Yaaaay!
Tomorrow is my best friend's last day of work for a while. She is about to have her second child. This pregnancy has been one of the things that kept me going during the darker days of cancer. I'm glad I'll get to see the baby soon. Yay!
Why am I celebrating? Because I've been depressed for days and days and days! So yes, I'm going to speak of the things that are making me happy. I'm going to bask in a few hours where I feel safe and protected and OKAY with the world. It seems that is so rare anymore. I need to do what I can to really enjoy it.
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