Warm Legs for Fat Girls

I write a lot about how weight loss, especially large amounts of weight loss, should always be a journey where accomplishments are recorded and acknowledged. I know that some people will roll their eyes at that and say that it's the same thing as Everyone Gets a Gold Star, but fuck them. It's not. This is the celebration of actual accomplishments, that happen after you really do something.

It's important for you, personally, as the one losing weight, to acknowledge your milestones. Yes, it's nice when someone else says something about your weight loss process, but we also know that can seriously backfire. Often praise from others can set off a cycle of resentment. This is certainly the case if it's someone who has their own selfish reasons for wanting you to lose weight (like, for example, they will feel like a better grandmother . . . sometimes I experienced a lot in my life). It's also very precious when you have people around you who you know ARE NOT selfish about their observations and I am lucky to have some of those.

Even if the people around you are good about it, keep in mind that losing weight is a process of healing.  Yes, part of that is about healing your body, but it's also about healing your mind and your heart as well. It's about learning to affirm yourself and handle your emotions in a way that don't involve soothing them with food. So in the same way that you walk to strengthen your legs and your back, in the same way that you lift weights to strengthen your muscles, you should affirm your progress, as a way to strengthen your soul. The stronger you are on the inside, the less you'll fall into the habits that got you fat in the first place. I hope.

My roommate bought me some new sweats. I tried them on today and they fit. They're snug, certainly, but they also certainly fit me. This is a huge thing for two reasons. For one thing, it means I can get pants from the store for a third of what I can get them ordering them online.  This will save me a lot of money and I need to save all the money I can.

Second of all, these sweats are actually sweats, made of fleece, meaning they are actually WARM to wear. None of the pants I have been able to buy since I got really heavy have been warm. They always throw them together with the thinnest materials they can find. Even ones that are supposed to be for warmer weather never really are.

So for years now, I've spent my winters with cold legs. You'd think the fat would keep me warm, but fat also doesn't allow for great circulation, so my legs were never that warm at all. So I had these cold legs covered by pants that really only work during the warmer months. Almost every winter, going outside meant facing cold legs and just doing my best not to think about it. I really didn't see any alternative.

But NOW, now I am writing this post with warm, toasty legs, covered in nice fleecey goodness! I can walk outside and not freeze to death! I can wander through the house without shivering! It's awesome. It's a very nice little accomplishment.

The Magical Walk

There are days when my morning walk is difficult or annoying. There are other days, most days, really, when it's just blah. On occasion though, my morning walk is amazing. This was one of those days. As I was walking along my driveway, one of the trees was letting hundreds of leaves go. They were flowing all around me, as if I were in some movie. They skittered on the ground, making the cutest little noise. As the wind picked up, many of them blew back into the air, dancing and dancing around me.

I know that this walk lasted no longer than any other, but as that was happening, it really felt like time slowed for me. I know it was only a few seconds, but it was wonderful. Even thinking about it now really fills me with a sense of being caught in the middle of something special.

If you read the blog regularly, you know I usually don't have that great of a relationship with nature. Most of my encounters with nature involve fleas biting me or fire ants attacking me (I still have scars from that) or sunburns. Rarely are my personal moments with nature anything that is wonderful and good.

Today though, today was good. Today was beautiful and magical for me. I'm thankful it happened.

Practiced and not Perfect

The afghan has gained some more inches. The colors are going together somewhat well right now, but I am sure that won't last. When you're doing an afghan just to get rid of yarn, quite often things are ugly and desperate looking by the end. I'm sure this one will be no different. Even though I thought I was watching my count, I'm still getting a jaggedy edge. This may be due to the varying sizes of yarn I'm using. More than likely, it's due to my miscounting.

As I've mentioned before, one of the things I enjoy most about working with yarn is that I'm not really that good at it. Most of my projects turn out askew. They often have an imperfect, screwed up look to them. I don't do this on purpose either. I just have some kind of disconnect about how to follow patterns. . . even as I am trying my damnedest to follow the pattern.

Normally practice makes people better, but I've only seem a small bit of improvement in my skill. I don't work as tightly as I used to, which means my work is softer and easier to handle. I'm more consistent with stitch size. I'm more likely to count and check to see if things are where they should be.  Even with these new skills in place, the final products still look strange.

It's okay though. I'm not good at this, but I love it. I love what I make with my meager skills. I'm wearing a wonky hat I made a few years ago. It keeps me warm, even if the top of it does kind of look like a nipple. The very first afghan I ever made is still in my possession. I made it when I was around 21. It's ugly and sloped, but it's warm and still with us.

I suppose that's the important part.

Practical if not Pretty

Looks like the decision to make the afghan is a go. I was still debating it until around noon today, when a series of events made me just really anxious to start purging the unused yarn into something useful. I've made some headway on it. I doubt it will be pretty, but it will be very warm. Right now, practicality trumps cuteness in almost all cases.

It's been a long while since I made an afghan. I've forgotten how much mental and emotional junk it can purge from you. There is something about adding rows and rows of straight lines that is quite cleansing to the soul. I have a lot of stuff to work through. This could end up being quite good for me.

Even if that part doesn't pan out, at least I'll be rid of the random balls of stray yarn that are left over from other projects. Instead of being moved from place to place and resorted into nice balls after everything unravels and gets knotted up again, all of it will now exist as a new thing. It will be an afghan of random, mismatched colors. It will serve the purpose of keeping me warm. And all the storage stuff that holds yarn can be put away. The house will be a little less cluttered.

I'm glad I'm doing this.

Heater On

We wanted to hold out as long as possible before turning on the heater, but unfortunately, that isn't going to happen. It's not even late into November, but the heater has had to come on. It's supposed to get very cold tonight and we just can't risk the pipes. We did put it on as low as we could though. We have blankets and that should keep us warm enough.

Last year, my roommate bought me some sweats to wear around on really cold days. I could pull them on, but they were fairly tight. This year, they're still pretty snug, but they fit better than they did. I'm happy about this because they're wonderfully warm. They're also very long in the leg, which means they wrap nicely around my socks and don't ride up. Nothing is worse than waking up in the middle of a cold night with half your leg exposed to the chill.

I wandered around all day in a hat I made last year. I'd hoped it would be enough to inspire me to start working with yarn again, but it didn't. Creatively, I'm still in a void. I can't even begin to explain how frustrating that is for me. I really hope I move past it. I'm actually considering just going for broke and starting an afghan with all the stray yarn I have. At least it would get my hands involved in doing stuff and, honestly, it would be nice to get my random bits of yarn out of the way. I don't know yet. An afghan seems like a big commitment. Then again, what the hell else am I doing?

Anyway, for the most part, my day was good. Therapy went well and I got my errands done. I also got to cuddle with the cats because they're cold. That's always nice.

Favorite Documentary This Year

I just finished watching The Chair. It documentary show on Starz about two directors first time directors making the same movie. I have to say, I was very impressed with it. I had my doubts about it, but in the end, I was very pleased with the whole thing.

To begin with, one of the more fascinating parts about this was the way in which one gets to see the whole process that goes into film making. From writing a script, to rewrites, to hiring producers and tech people, to scouting locations and finding actors. There is so much stuff that happens in pre-production that completely alters how the film will be.

There are even things that one might not think would have much of an affect that really do change everything about the mood of a film. For instance, one director brought in only one person to handle the technical side of things with him. He works with a producer on his other projects and she worked with him on this one. Everyone else he hired was new to him. The other director had a small, close group of people she works with to handle this project with her. They were more collaborative in their approach. During the documentary, there are times when one director's choices seem to be working the best, and times when the other director's choices work the best.

Even the way the two directors lived during the filming affected their films. One director rented a house, where she lived with several people working in production with her. They cooked together, had meals together, and discussed the film late into the night. The other director stayed in a hotel. His meals were all from restaurants. When he was finished with the film for the day, he could close himself off in his room and not deal with anyone else. He was able to stay in his own headspace and reflect on the movie in private.

The amazing thing is, both directors managed to finish their films. Two movies actually WERE made out of this. Even if those movies aren't that great, I believe it's quite impressive that they were able to accomplish this. If you enjoy watching how complicated things get made, I very much recommend The Chair. I think you'll enjoy it.

Good Ending to a Rough Week

Last week was pretty stressful and rough. As I wrote about, I had some discouraging things happen, and then just some overly difficult moments as well. However, my best friend's new baby was born, I survived the stressful events, and life moves forward.

It's supposed to get really cold this week, like winter-levels of cold. I need to get out some more of my winter things and get some preparation done for this. That's basically my goal for tomorrow.

For the most part, the weekend was good. It was great to meet the baby. The cats didn't cause too much drama. I am hoping for a reasonably easy week. That would be nice for a change.