Dark

It was so dark all day. It rained and rained and rained. It was depressing. It's staying a little cold as well. I did not enjoy this. 

I used to like the rain and dark a lot more, but as a kid, we didn't lose power as often. That rarely happened, actually. I guess the systems were newer then and they've mostly been neglected since then. 

Anyway, we had to run some errands. They went okay. We didn't do everything we wanted but that's fine. It will happen when it happens. 

Pacing Ourselves

We had some plans this week but it doesn't look like they'll happen. It's supposed to be pouring rain tomorrow, possibly flooding. There is no point in taking extra risks or making ourselves uncomfortable. Things will happen when they can.

My hand has been hurting for the last few hours. I had no idea why until I remembered I'd tried to do some stuff with my exercise band last night. It's frustrating but fine. Trying to reintroduce my body to physical activity will be A PROCESS and I know this. There will be some trial and error and pain.

One of the keys to my life right now is that I have to be patient. The meds are amazing, but the results are slow. They build over time, but I need to remember that what took years to put onto my body will take years to remove. Like the plans, like the new physical activity, I just need to realize that all of it will happen in time. I'm doing what I can. Hopefully, that will be enough to find me in a better situation 5 years from now.

Years of Connection

On the way to shopping today, we passed our old mechanic's shop. My roommate noted that it seemed like they had no customers. This didn't surprise us. They've been going downhill for years now. I walked away from them a few years ago and my roommate has done the same. They just aren't as good as they used to be.

It's difficult though, to leave businesses you've used for years. When we were at the mailbox place, I thought about how I'd had that mailbox since I was in my 20s. I've used my bank and my insurance since I was in my teens. It's so odd to think about how I have decades of connection to these places. 

One of the odder things about getting older is the strange vertigo of knowing you have so many years behind you, so many years spent interacting with people. And yet, at least in my case, I don't feel truly connected to them in the way that, say, my grandparents did. My grandparents both served on the board of the insurance company we use. They went on trips with them and went to their functions. I just don't feel that's my place.

My grandparents were so much more social than I am, so much more politically connected. My grandmother knew most of the state politicians for a long time and even some of the national ones. I can't even imagine doing that kind of thing.

I think for me, as always, even with years of established relationships, I'm always going to feel on the fringe of things. It's just who I am. 

Accomplishment

When I was in middle school, my mom took me to a dietician. I was told to keep a food journal. I didn't do it and she kicked me out of her office. I get that she was busy and that she probably assumed I was wasting her time because I couldn't do even this minimum thing, but I think she was in the wrong. She should have sent me to a therapist to figure out why I wouldn't do the journal instead of assuming it was just because I was being a stubborn fat bitch child. 

Ever since then, I've been weird about the food journal thing. On any occasion when it was suggested, I just completely blanked about it and informed the person who brought it up that I absolutely would not do it. It wasn't an option.

So for the last month, all on my own, without any prompting, I've kept a food journal. I did it for the practical reason that I needed to see what I was eating. 

And yes, I understand that was the point the whole time. That was the thing others were trying to get me to do. Well,it was kind of what they were getting me to do. Let's be honest, when it comes to food journals and other people seeing them, there is also this element of confession to it. There is an element of them bearing witness to the true justification for why you look the way you do. There is a nakedness to it that I never could quite get past. 

Now I'm keeping it to make sure I get enough protein. I'm keeping it to analyze what works for me and what doesn't. I'm keeping it to consider my comfort levels and what needs to be adjusted. 

I'm sure there is a level to which I was being too harsh about the whole thing before. Maybe. I'll admit I just never really trusted other people's motivations where my weight is concerned, mostly because they wanted me to perform an almost impossible task to make them happy. 

Yes, I understand there are very practical health reasons why I need to lose weight, but when it comes to most people, I've just never really felt like those practical reasons were their motivation. It always felt more like they were trying so hard to make me obey. 

That's really caused a lot of problems for me and I'm trying to correct those problems now. The physical WANT for food is so quiet now and that's amazing. The psychological reasons for not obeying are loud and more difficult to contend with. I AM contending with them, but sometimes it's exhausting. 

I still have a great deal to unpack about this whole matter.

Bleak

I started reading a fic I'd let slide for a while. It was very enjoyable. It's still not finished, far from it, but catching up was a lot of fun. I also published on my own AU and have some ideas for how to continue that.

My roommate talked about things being on a coin's edge lately and I get that. The government is constantly trying to screw up our lives with their conservative ideas. The weather could have done some nasty stuff to us. I'm in this place where for once in my life I'm losing weight and it scares me because I worry that it will somehow just stop. 

I know things have been fraught before. I know that I went through a lot of trauma when we lived in the trailer and work wasn't happening for me. I felt like such a failure then, and there was this constant fear of bills not being. It was a horrible time for me and I still have no idea how I got through it.

Then again, it seems like there were a lot more distractions then. It seems like things felt better, easier. It seems like people weren't so completely hostile. Maybe it was just easier when I was younger. Maybe I had more spoons back then. 

Melt

The ice started melting yesterday and by this morning we were able to run our First of the Month errands. Everything seems to be back in order ish, which is nice. Hopefully, the snowicehell will stay away for the rest of the year. We've got all we needed. Thanks. 

There is still a lot of snow and ice in people's yards. It's probably going to take several days for everything to dry. It's a start though.

Frigid Wednesday

I'm writing this early because it's possible we'll get more ice. This time it may be enough to knock the electricity out. Hopefully not, but just to be sure, I thought I'd post before ten.

I hate this weather so much. I like it when winter is a little gray and ugly and cold, but not when the snow and ice and other slickery stuff starts. It's just too stressful.