Accomplishment

When I was in middle school, my mom took me to a dietician. I was told to keep a food journal. I didn't do it and she kicked me out of her office. I get that she was busy and that she probably assumed I was wasting her time because I couldn't do even this minimum thing, but I think she was in the wrong. She should have sent me to a therapist to figure out why I wouldn't do the journal instead of assuming it was just because I was being a stubborn fat bitch child. 

Ever since then, I've been weird about the food journal thing. On any occasion when it was suggested, I just completely blanked about it and informed the person who brought it up that I absolutely would not do it. It wasn't an option.

So for the last month, all on my own, without any prompting, I've kept a food journal. I did it for the practical reason that I needed to see what I was eating. 

And yes, I understand that was the point the whole time. That was the thing others were trying to get me to do. Well,it was kind of what they were getting me to do. Let's be honest, when it comes to food journals and other people seeing them, there is also this element of confession to it. There is an element of them bearing witness to the true justification for why you look the way you do. There is a nakedness to it that I never could quite get past. 

Now I'm keeping it to make sure I get enough protein. I'm keeping it to analyze what works for me and what doesn't. I'm keeping it to consider my comfort levels and what needs to be adjusted. 

I'm sure there is a level to which I was being too harsh about the whole thing before. Maybe. I'll admit I just never really trusted other people's motivations where my weight is concerned, mostly because they wanted me to perform an almost impossible task to make them happy. 

Yes, I understand there are very practical health reasons why I need to lose weight, but when it comes to most people, I've just never really felt like those practical reasons were their motivation. It always felt more like they were trying so hard to make me obey. 

That's really caused a lot of problems for me and I'm trying to correct those problems now. The physical WANT for food is so quiet now and that's amazing. The psychological reasons for not obeying are loud and more difficult to contend with. I AM contending with them, but sometimes it's exhausting. 

I still have a great deal to unpack about this whole matter.