Draggy Month

I'm not sure why, but September seems to be dragging. Maybe it's the heat. Maybe it's the fact that new shows will be starting later in the month. I'm really not sure. I just know that it feels like it should be far later in the month. Time, however, does not work the way I wish it to.

For the most part, I am pretty sure it's the heat. The heat index was 94 today and it actually felt worse than it did back in August. I woke up a few times last night and it was rather unpleasantly warm in my room. I need to start working on projects. It's supposed to be cooler by Saturday. Hopefully, everything will feel better next week.

At least Drag Race has started. The third episode is on tonight. Even the clip I saw of it was really great. I love this show so much.

Disassociation

I've had this blog for quite some time now. As you know, I tend to reread my old entries to see what was going on a year ago (or a few years ago). I realized tonight that I never go back and look at anything before 2014. In fact, part of me almost forgot that I had a blog before then.

Now occasionally I'll have to look something up to find out exactly when something happened (a repair, for example) but even when I do that, I feel like I'm looking at something now forbidden to me. It's as if the posts written by pre-2014 belong to someone else.

Clearly I did exist before then, but . . . did I? As I've written before, in some ways, I feel the same as I did before the hysterectomy, but in other ways, I really don't. This makes sense, of course. I AM different. Parts of my body were removed. You know, that's the part that drives me kind of crazy sometimes. Parts were removed, but not parts I saw. We get so fixated on the outside of our bodies that we forget about all the secrets on the inside.

Looking at posts before 2014 to me is as hard as going into the bedroom where my grandmother died. I pretend like that room doesn't exist because it's too hard for me to think about what happened in there. I guess this is part of the grieving process.

Not Temporary

“Socialism never took root in America because the poor see themselves not as an exploited proletariat but as temporarily embarrassed millionaires.”

The above quote doesn't get a citation because it's somewhat disputed as to who actually said it. It is, however, at the root of what I want to talk about today. And no, we're not talking about socialism. We're talking about the damage that can happen when we view our situations as temporary.

My roommate and I were talking about activism today and how frustrated we get when activists focus on issues that really can't or won't be changed. The example he brought up was how certain communities who have high HIV rates will ignore that (even though activism when applied to dealing with HIV has proven to be quite helpful) and instead look at fluff issues that really don't affect anyone's lives.

The discussion eventually turned to fat activism (or factivism, as I like to call it). This is a new thing, really. Fat people are beginning to talk about the issues of being fat and how we'd all like to not be treated like hell just because we are fat. It's complicated, of course, but at the core of the issue, it's also important. There are so many places in my life where my being fat causes problems because society isn't accepting or welcoming of fat people.

This gets really frustrating when it comes to places where fat people SHOULD be welcomed. A few months back, I went to a bbq place where the tables were so close together I had to move a couple of them to even navigate myself to the table. The chairs were narrow and very uncomfortable. It annoyed me, not just for me, but also because this is bad for business. A lot of fat people like bbq. Make a place that is comfortable for them.

Businesses like that are nowhere near as frustrating as doctor's offices. There are scales that go up to 1000 lbs. There are chairs and tables that hold people who are larger. There are larger blood pressure cuffs. And yet, so many doctor's offices don't use them. Why? We know we have a high population of obese people. Why not have equipment you can use on  them? Why not have chairs that can hold them comfortably? Or at least, please have chairs with no arms. Even THAT is better than nothing.

You would think with as many obese people as we have in  this country, it would be obvious that we would have thing suited for their needs. We don't, though. At least, not that many. And the quote I gave above is exactly why. Fat people look at their situation as temporary. They believe they are well on their way to being a non-fat person and then the world will fit them too. They believe this even if they have hundreds of lbs to lose. They believe this even if they have been fat all of their lives.

Why? Because instead of being taught to deal with our current reality and work to make the best of it, we're taught that all the bad stuff is temporary and if we ignore it and just try to change the cause of the bad thing, we'll be okay. It's a nice theory, but it's also magical thinking.

You have no way of knowing if you will ever get out of your situation. You may always be fat. You may always be poor. You may always be disabled. You may always be single or childless or whatever other situation you see as undesirable. And yes, you can work towards changing that situation, but in the meantime, you are STILL IN IT. So what can you do to improve it?

To use a pretty basic example . . . I need a new bed. My bed is old and lumpy and there are some places where things poke out. This situation will go completely away when I get a new bed. Thing is, new beds are expensive. So yes, I can set up a little fund and label it 'new bed' and toss cash in there when I get some, but that will take a while. And emergencies happen, so it's possible it may never happen. In the meantime, I still have to sleep in this bed.

To that end, I flipped the mattress and requested a higher quality mattress pad for Christmas. If things get worse, I can always duct tape down the poking out parts and put some old blankets down as an extra layer of protection. By addressing the current situation (instead of just hoping it will go away), I am able to find ways to make it as comfortable and easy on me as possible. My life is improved.

There are people out there who believe that making the bad situation more comfortable is wrong. They think if you ease the suffering of the poor (or fat, etc), then these people will be tempted to NEVER get out of their situations at all. They'll find contentment and just stop trying to improve. Is this possible? Oh yeah. It happens, sure. I don't think that's a good enough justification for not doing it though. To my mind,  this is just as stupid as when Gramma would buy me clothes that were too small to 'encourage' me to lose weight. It neither helped me to lose weight nor addressed my current need for clothing.

Trust me. Getting clothes that fit me does not encourage me to stay overweight. In fact, when I'm in clothes that fit well, I'm more comfortable and more likely to move around. When people have their needs met, they're more likely to actually find their way out of their bad situation. This makes sense. Being uncomfortable is exhausting.

Kicking Summer Out

This looks like it will be our last week of weather in the 90's. After that, we should start the cool down. I'm hoping this happens for two reasons. One, I would really like mowing season to end because there is no aspect of mowing that I like (other than short grass) and two, we need a good window of time for us to deal with the bushes.

It needs to be cool enough for us to work outside without dying, but not so cold that the bushes and  trees sustain damage in the process. If we had a proper amount of autumn weather,  this wouldn't be a problem. We never get quite enough to my liking.

Speaking of autumn, we had our first pumpkin-flavored thing this year. The roommate bought some pumpkin and white chocolate cookies today. They were pretty good, but they needed more pumpkin. Maybe in a few weeks they shall have more.

Foxcatcher

I knew Foxcatcher would be a good movie, but I was in no way prepared for the level of emotional squirm it would give me. The acting is stellar. Everyone is so humanly awkward that it just sets me on edge. I've seen straight up horror movies that made me feel less icky than this.

Steve Carell's portrayal of John E. du Pont is intense and increasingly creepy in a way that made me dread every moment he would be onscreen. For someone best known for his comedies, Carell is often overlooked when it comes to his dramatic roles. Honestly, I think he's better in them, especially the darker ones. Foxcatcher is certainly a dark movie.

In many ways, it's the same kind of sick in the pit of my stomach feeling I had watching Boys Don't Cry. I guess that makes sense. Both movies are based on true stories about a murder victim and the person who killed them. In du Pont's case, I can see why they argued insanity, but at the same time, while I do believe the man was insane, I also think it was the kind of crazy one gets from being raised so stupid rich that relating to normal people is practically impossible.

Yes, I know I gave some spoilers there, but then again, the facts of this movie have been public knowledge for years now.

The Movement of the Art

Last night I spent 15 minutes watching a video where Adore Delano explained why she felt she had to leave RuPaul's Drag Race Allstars Season 2. Her reasons boiled down to why she honestly never should have gone on the show in the first place. Adore's only 25 and I tend to forgive the boy for a lot. I think it's difficult to see one's potential at that age. It's also very difficult to own one's artistic choices.

I wish Adore would have stayed on the show, because to me, one of the most interesting aspects of Drag Race is the ongoing conversation/debate about what drag is and what it can become. Adore is a fresh voice in that discussion because she chooses to take her inspirations from women who went against the normal standards of beauty, creating new kinds of iconic cultural images.

What's so amazing about that is how so many people dismiss drag as just this joke of a thing. It's not something to be dismissed at all. It brings in so many other facets of art. There are performance aspects, like singing, dancing, acting, and comedy, but also the visual aspect. After all, the drag artist paints himself into a new image. He sculpts the illusion of the female form with padding and clothing.

It's a complex art in practice and an even more complex one in philosophy. The drag creation can be a facet of the artist's personality or an impression of something outside of him. It can be there to make people uncomfortable or there to please them. Drag can celebrate or question our gender norms, all the while entertaining us. It allows people to be brave.

I wish Adore could have stayed. I think the doors for what is acceptable for drag would have opened even more if she would have. I understand that it wasn't healthy for her and I respect that. Perhaps another time.

Cart Saga

One of the complications of living in my grandmother's house is that I inherited all of her stuff. Now, some of her stuff is awesome and beautiful. Other things are items she picked up at yard sales, meaning they are who knows who old. My living room furniture is a good example of this. She picked this stuff up while I was in college from a yard sale. It looks pretty 80s and so I assume that's when it was built. I have no idea how it's staying together, but honestly, when it falls apart, I'm not going to feel bad about it. It's served way beyond its intended use.

The bigger items are easy to account for, but there are also a lot of little things in the house that probably have seen more years of service than they should. Today, (most of) one of those items was put to rest.

Since we moved in here, we've had a cheapass blue wire cart in the bathroom. It holds various bathroom items and sits between the toilet and the tub. It's very useful (in theory) and makes dealing with the bathroom a lot easier.

As I said, it's also old as the hills. It's been flaking off large clumps of blue paint since we moved here.  Under the paint is rust. Sometimes the cats would try to use it as a bed and it would collapse. I've talked before about how skinny my cats are. There is no reason this thing should have fell apart, but it's ancient and rickety.

Anyway, my roommate purchased a new wire cart. It's white and has one more shelf than the blue one did. Today I put it together and replaced the blue one. Having the nice, clean, taller, spiffy cart gives the bathroom a whole different feel.

Now, I said I got rid of MOST of the blue one because I did keep some parts of it. I repurposed the shelves by hanging them on my metal storage shelf in the living room. They now give me some extra space for smaller items. I'm rather pleased with this, though we all know how my grand ideas often don't go so well when reality hits them smack in the face.

But for now, I'm feeling very practical about the whole thing.