Happy Halloween

We watched a pretty good/campy horror movie and had banana cake. We also talked about the universal connections of primitive music. I drank bourbon and coke.

It was a good Halloween. 

Making your Happiness

 All of my life, I've been around 'until . . .' or 'when . . .' or 'if only . . .' people when it comes to happiness. These people use those phrases, and actually think those thoughts, when it comes to being happy. They think things will be better when THIS happens or if THAT would happen. Then they can be happy.

The most frustrating thing about said people is that it doesn't matter if those things happen or not. They were always still miserable. My grandmother, for instance, wanted to move to town all of my young life.....until she moved to town. Then she wanted to move back to the country. 

There are people who are completely unhappy if they're not doing something, but then completely unhappy when they go do that thing. They pick it apart. They focus on all the flaws. Nothing is ever enough for them. Nothing is ever satisfying for them. 

I know I can unleash my innermost demons on this blog sometimes. Sometimes I want to claw off my skin. However, I also know that happiness isn't some conditional thing that will happen WHEN a set of situations or stars or perfect numbers suddenly arrive for you. Happiness is something you have to work at, every day. Happiness and joy are things you have to find in what is around you. And yes, I realize that is a statement of privilege because yes some people are in seriously horrible situations. 

I'm not saying you should try to find happiness if you're being tortured. I'm saying you should try to find some happiness if your life is more or less decent and you're just feeding yourself on misery chemicals. 

The truth is. You won't be any happier if you move to that place or that person makes all the changes you want or you make all the changes you want or you get more money or you get to go to all of those places you resent not going to. None of that will make a difference unless you first train your brain to see the positive, enjoy the moments, and find contentment. Otherwise, even if all that stuff DID happen, you'd still just pick it apart and want something else. 

Changing Things Up

I watched some stuff on making more successful videos the last couple of nights. I'm going to try a couple of tips when I do my next project. I started it a little today, but my heart just wasn't in it. We'll move along as we can.

Halloween in Saturday and the election is Tuesday. By Wednesday we'll either be breathing easier or accepting our fates, I guess. 

Beyond that? Who knows? For now, I'm going to focus on just trying to keep things going.  

Box Themed

I had this dream that I was tasked to pull bloody tampons out of 120 wooden cubbies. I have no idea why the tampons were in there, but they were. Most were still wet enough to drip blood when I pulled them out.

After removal, I had to wrap each one in toilet paper and put it in a sack for pickup. I have no idea who was picking them up, but there was a deadline on it and I was close.

Oh and of course, things kept interrupting me. People would bother me to complain about things. People would show up and scream at me about needing to do this task, even though I was literally doing it front of them. The chair I was sitting on broke. Past that I just had to sit on the floor and try to finish. I woke up before I ever did. 

It was a very nasty little stress dream.

On a better note! The box has been taken by FedEx.

Holding Pattern

The unwanted box will be out of the house tomorrow (hopefully) and the unexpected box will continue its sojourn in the living room until we sort out where it will go. I'm fine with that. I'm really over all the drama this has caused. 

Another thing we needed to be done is proving not to get done. I'm annoyed about it because it involved people connected to me. Said people have had some issues happening, but at the end of the day, this is a clear sign that I'm not a priority to them. 

I'm actually less mad about that than I am about the fact that when I asked if this could happen, I should have been told 'no we don't have time' so I could have made other arrangements. Now it's basically a month later. 

The thing HAS to be done and right now people are getting salty about the fact that it isn't done. So I guess I'll start looking for alternatives. 

I'll do that after the box is out of the damned house. 

Emotional Mess

I'm in a good mood now, but I'm somewhat disassociating and I know I woke up an angry mess. I'm trying my best to manage my emotional state and I'm quite often failing. But go figure, I fail at almost everything else too. 

I'll still keep trying though. In the meantime, if I'm a cunt to you, tell me. I'll do what I can to contain the monster. Meanwhile, I did manage to get out another Slynet. So yay. 

Posting This Now

 I'm in the middle of making an episode and I'll probably forget to blog later. So we're doing this now. 

My weekend was pretty good. It was dark and dreary and no one felt all that great, but nothing seriously bad happened, so I'm counting this as good.

This is the last week before Halloween, a time change, and a major US election. I'm sure this week will be chaos. I plan on just keeping my head down and doing my best to keep me and mine happy and safe. No idea how successful I'll be.

My roommate and I may end up having drinks a lot. Just to be on the safe side.