Cool Morning

Even though it was hotter today than anticipated,  the morning hours were nice and cool. This is a welcome change from the thick insistent humidity we've had for weeks now. It was nice to just bask in the comfort of a cooler morning. 

I hope this is a trend. It would be nice for September to actually start cooling down like it used to. The last several years, September has basically been the fourth month of summerhell. I'd like to see it go back to its roots.

Clarity

In the process of trying to change my mental picture about how I approach food, I'm trying affirmations. I've never done them before and quite frankly as it's clear my fitness failures stem from mental blocks, this seems like a good place (one of the many I'm exploring) to try and change things.

One of the affirmations is as follows:

I have clarity about my fitness goals.

This one really stood out to me. I think I've had VAGUE and abstract and handwavey ideas about my fitness goals before, but never actual clarity. Like, right now, I can tell you at least three goals concerning my fitness that I try to achieve every day. They're small things, but they do exist and on most days I make them happen. 

When I started this, I looked for something I actually COULD do successfully. I settled on college. I made that happen. I remember college worked because it was a series of clear and achievable goals. There was the large goal of 'Get the Degree,' but then smaller goals like 'complete  the semester' or 'work on that paper.' 

Right now, my goals involve movement, better eating, and a daily evaluation of my thoughts about this process. In a few months, I think there will be more things happening in terms of the mental part of this, but right now, my focus is on accomplishing these three things. 

The Thing Holding You

Last night I talked about how you shouldn't be lead by anger, fear, and sadness. I want to clarify a couple of points. 

First of all, sometimes you WILL be lead by these emotions. There will be times when they will be all you CAN feel because the situation warrants it. Sometimes things happen and your grief or anger or fear will become a part of you that never really goes away. I am aware of this. I have parts of me that are marked by these things. 

However, if you can (and I realize sometimes this is a complex process), you should try other things as well. You deserve MORE in life than just being angry or hurt or scared. You deserve happiness too. You deserve contentment. You deserve joy.

And again, I'm not saying you should force those positive elements. The thing is though, often when we are lead by anger or fear or sadness, we don't really let other emotions filter into our awareness. Even in situations where we could feel happiness, we don't. Sometimes even when we should feel anger or sadness, we don't. 

And sometimes there are chemical imbalances that cause this. It's certainly something you should explore. It's something I explored and I'm glad I did. I learned a lot about how to manage myself. I get to feel happy now and I'm grateful for that.

Brain Battles

Despite my best efforts, I've been trying to fight back paranoia the last several days. I can feel it lurking at the edges of my mind. It's annoying, especially considering I've been actively fighting the negative places my brain often wants to go. 

I think I've learned enough to understand happiness isn't always an option. I'll also never say that anger, sadness, and fear don't have a vital place in our minds. They are needed for a variety of reasons. 

The problem is, far too many people let those three emotions guide them. They let grief or rejection overwhelm them. They stay in such a fearful state that they either hide away or try to bluff others into believing they're tough (rarely works). Some people start getting angry about things before the thing even happens. They rant about how many things can go wrong and then when the thing does happen, it never lives up to whatever expectations they decided to have, meaning they don't really have an experience, they just have a reaction. This isn't the way to live a full life.

Mind you, fake perkiness isn't the way either. Before I understood what toxic positivity was, I was guilty of trying to push it. I don't anymore. No one should feel positive when they flat out don't feel positive. 

However, in my current case, there is no reason to be fearful or sad or angry. I can be content. My brain is just trying to work against me. I won't let it.

Silky Silky Silky

I'm not happy with All Stars.  Silky won so many of those battles. For her to lose at the end was just wrong. But, it is what it is. I'm proud of her. She bested a lot of people and it was glorious. She impressed me in a way that she didn't on her regular season. 

I hope people give her the props she deserves.

On Consideration

So I've been thinking about the question I posed last night. DO I think I deserve to be healthy. 

For most of my life, for most of the time, I'm quite certain the answer is no. No. I do not think I deserve to be healthy. 

Here are two of the reasons why. One leads into the other. 

The first reason had to do with the perspective I most often approach weight loss with. Most often when I would start trying to do the things needed to lose weight, it was always about anything OTHER than me. Fear. Getting people off my back. Shame. Maybe sometimes spite. Approval. It was rarely about 'hey I have a body and it deserves optimum function' or anything practical like that. So even from the start, my reasons weren't rooted in anything practical or sustainable. Rooting a big process of changing your life can NOT be based on emotions. Emotions change. 

Second of all, and this one stems from the first one, I believe I don't deserve this because I have, for almost 50 years now, FAILED to make it happen. Because I continue to not only fail but also to make the situation worse, I don't deserve for it to get better. And why would I think I did deserve that, as it is impossible for me to MAKE it happen? So, again, basically, shame. 

Okay so......more often than not, I felt ashamed about my weight and tried to lose weight but failed to continue to lose weight because sustaining my want to do so in shame didn't work because eventually, I would get over the sense of shame and just stop what I was doing. Uggghh. This is just a bad way to live one's life. It needs to stop. 
 

The Lifelong Question

I'm still fat. Why? I know the steps I need to take to NOT be fat. Why don't I take them? One of the things that they always talk about in affirmation lists is how you need to believe you DESERVE to be in good health.

Do I believe I don't deserve it? Is it that simple? Not that this concept is simple. It's a rather disturbing idea if true. Is it true though? 

I need to explore this.