On Consideration

So I've been thinking about the question I posed last night. DO I think I deserve to be healthy. 

For most of my life, for most of the time, I'm quite certain the answer is no. No. I do not think I deserve to be healthy. 

Here are two of the reasons why. One leads into the other. 

The first reason had to do with the perspective I most often approach weight loss with. Most often when I would start trying to do the things needed to lose weight, it was always about anything OTHER than me. Fear. Getting people off my back. Shame. Maybe sometimes spite. Approval. It was rarely about 'hey I have a body and it deserves optimum function' or anything practical like that. So even from the start, my reasons weren't rooted in anything practical or sustainable. Rooting a big process of changing your life can NOT be based on emotions. Emotions change. 

Second of all, and this one stems from the first one, I believe I don't deserve this because I have, for almost 50 years now, FAILED to make it happen. Because I continue to not only fail but also to make the situation worse, I don't deserve for it to get better. And why would I think I did deserve that, as it is impossible for me to MAKE it happen? So, again, basically, shame. 

Okay so......more often than not, I felt ashamed about my weight and tried to lose weight but failed to continue to lose weight because sustaining my want to do so in shame didn't work because eventually, I would get over the sense of shame and just stop what I was doing. Uggghh. This is just a bad way to live one's life. It needs to stop.