Quick Post

Internet is being a little shaky so I'll make this quick. I'm feeling better. It's storming. I found Mongolian folk metal and it's wonderful.

There will be Spending

The agitator on the washer broke today and it was $75 to fix it. That's less expensive than a new washer, but it was still almost a hundred dollars we didn't need to be spending.

Last year my birthday/Christmas money was spent to fix my windshield. This year, it will be spent on a new mattress. I have to admit, this terrifies me. Have you ever read mattress reviews? It's basically horror stories about people spending money to receive back pain. I need a new mattress, but I'm not sure this is worth it. Ugggh.

On the bright side, no one puked today.

Progress Again

We managed to get the trash out today! My roommate handled it better than I did. I'm lumbering around here like gimpy Frankenstein in need of an electrical charge.

I think I mentioned a while back that I signed up for a newsletter from the woman who did the tutorial over my hat knitted from the upside down. I am so glad I did this because, honestly, this woman has taught me more about knitting than I've learned in all the years I've been doing this. I don't know what it is about her method of teaching, but it seriously works for me. So thankful for that.

A Day of Broth

Even though we managed to eat dinner and I actually had somewhat of an appetite as the evening wore on, we just had broth for our first two meals. It was honestly all we could handle.  I also managed to eat some trail mix and granola bars.

My only accomplishment today was situating my bed back on its frame. This took a lot of effort on my part, to be honest. Tomorrow I have to put out more. I need to shower, go out and run some errands, and prepare myself for going to Fort Smith on Thursday.

Baby Steps

Normally on Mondays we go grocery shopping. We both decided that would not be happening today due to illness/general weakness. We needed to pay a bill and check on the mail, so we inched our way out of the house to do that.

Even though all I did was drive, I was still exhausted by the time we got home. Planning on taking tomorrow to rest up as much as I can and hopefully by Wednesday, I'll be doing better.

Not Good

And now my roommate has the stomach virus. I seriously hope this isn't something that's going to hope between us until one of us dies. I'm doing my best to sanitize things, but I'm not really sure how much good it's doing. Hopefully we will survive this.

Artists

This morning has not been fun. My stomach decided it hated me, the world, and everything inside it. However, I choose not to focus on that.

What I am going to focus on is how amazing it is to be part of my FB knitting community right now. They are producing and posting some of the most beautiful stuff. The scarves, the shawls, even some of the basic things like the hats have blown my mind. It's stunning.

Today a woman posted a little Barbie dress she made for her grandkid. This sparked a discussion from other members about how when they were kids, their grandmas/mothers made clothes for their dolls. I read so much love and gratitude in that conversation. It just made me feel all fuzzy and happy inside.

Better

Whenever I'm sick, I always have this thought that if I could only just eat this way all the time, I'd be thin in a couple of years. Hah.

I do feel somewhat better. This morning I was still nauseated and really dizzy, so I had to skip shopping with my roommate. Later I managed to get through two meals and a snack. I've also kept up my liquids so I didn't have to deal with dehydration on top of everything else.

Tomorrow is a month from my birthday, a month and a day from Christmas, and a month and a week from New Year's Eve. The back half of this year has just flown by and a lot of things have changed for me.

I do believe I am more clear-headed for it. 

Bad Thanksgiving

I was sick all day. I kept thinking I was going to puke and my stomach has been a pit of nausea. Eventually I felt well enough to eat just a small meal and actually felt irrationally proud of the fact that I could.

I hope I feel better tomorrow.

Plans Fixedish

I scrambled and found alternative stuff to suggest to the step-mom. My roommate's order got here on time, although that was kind of iffy until the moment it actually happened.

It's been seriously dark the last few days and I've been experiencing very deep sleep. Hopefully this will restore some energy and peace to me.

Also, happy Thanksgiving.

Plans Awry

It seems like all the plans for this week (and going forward) are messed up. Not only are my Thanksgiving plans going to be different this year, but other plans we both made in the midst of it are messing with us as well.

For instance, my roommate ordered something (well in advance) so it would arrive tomorrow. Wednesday is about the last day he could get it before we're into holiday mess that would keep it arriving until probably Tuesday of next week. Even though he tried to make this work, he still had to spend most of the day on the phone dealing with people who seemed hellbent on messing it up.

I had a plan for my holiday gift from my stepmother, but when I told my dad about it, he said it seemed too complicated for her to arrange and suggested I look for other stuff. I wasn't MARRIED to the idea of this gift so that's fine, except now I'm having to scramble about what else to get. I'll find something, but right now I have no idea what.

Other than that, things seem to be fine.

New Hat Completed

The third attempt at this hat is finished. The first one was way too big. The second one is just a little too loose. This one is still by no means snug, but it fits the best of the three. I also did it in a lighter yarn, so it isn't heavy on my head. Warm but not heavy is important, especially when you're prone to hot flashes.

It isn't perfect. I still have some places where I had to mend things to make it look presentable, but for the most part, it is exactly what I need for the winter.

This journey began with me wondering if I could construct a knitted hat from the top down the way I would crochet one. The answer is not only yes but it's basically the same idea. In fact, because this made so much more sense to me, I was able to realize I could do it from the bottom up if I needed to because I understand decreasing now.

Overall, this was a good exploration for me.

Observations instead of Complaining

There is nothing quite like the look of desire in a cat's face when you're knitting with fascinating sticks and fascinating yarn and you just won't let the cat have any of it. I guess it's more of a combo of desire and trying to guilt the human into giving her things.

My holiday shopping is completed, much thanks to my roommate who did the footwork on it. I am very happy this is all finalized and ready. No last minute panic for me. Yay!

I talked to my sister-in-law tonight about holiday plans. She invited me to go along with them to her brother's house for Thanksgiving but said she wasn't sure if they would be visiting the Dunns anymore on Thanksgiving. My grandfather was really the glue that held that side of the family together. Neither my father nor my aunt really has a house big enough to handle all of us. My brother's house is big enough to host, as is my cousin's, but my cousin's husband and my sister-in-law basically hate each other so I don't know that either of those options will ever work for anyone. Holidays as a family group may be over.

That's weird to think about. I've been doing Christmas Eve with my Dad's family since I was a baby. I realize these things don't last forever. It's an odd thing to lose it. Maybe it will only be for this year, but somehow I doubt that.

Complaining

It was very cold this morning. I had to wait for the car to defrost before I could leave. I had a sinus headache most of the night and didn't sleep well. It's making my teeth hurt and it's making me dizzy. I just need to sit in the quiet for a while.

Not Wellish

I borrowed the title from my roommate because we're basically in the same boat. Neither of us has felt that well all week and we don't know why. Maybe it's the heaters being on now or maybe just the general nastiness of the weather. Actually, the truth is, I've not felt well in a few weeks, it's just that on top of all the sinus hell, there has also been this added nausea.

Blah. Maybe it will pass soon. I need to be able to function at least somewhat over the next few weeks.

Flipping the Flaw

The hat I'm working on now is variegated and I didn't really have anything I wanted to pair with it to break up the colors. with that in mind, I decided to add interest with design. I'm putting a couple of bands of purling to create some texture. It's something I'm seeing as a trend in hats this year.

The neat thing about this is the fact that it works because of a general design flaw. Most people purl at a different tension than they knit. Because of this, even keeping the same number of stitches per line looks like you added quite a few. I love this because it's a way to flip something that is often a struggle into an asset.

To me, this is an example of truly creative thinking. Is it a good idea to learn to work your tension the same for both? Of course it is. However, if there is an advantage to be found with the flaw, by all means, find it.

Best out of Three Maybe

I'm doing another hat. The last one worked, but it was still a bit too big. I measured it for the size I need and I THINK I have the math right this time. I think. I'm hoping? We'll see.

Other than that, it's cold as hell already. I have a feeling we're in for a rough winter. All the hats may be needed.

Faster

I can't believe it's already a week into this month. As fast as October passed by, this month seems to be flying. That's so annoying after summer dragged on forever and September seemed to dig hooks in me for years. We're two weeks away from Thanksgiving.

I believe things will be lowkey for me this year. Most of my Christmas shopping is finished and as for what I want, it's mostly just online things. I have plans, but they're hard to explain in terms of someone buying me a gift about it.

Mostly I just want to stay safe, warm, and sane.

First Holiday Meh Post of the Season

I am already sick of holiday commercials. Not the ones that talk about the holiday itself, but all the ones that are trying to get you to buy stuff. There seems to be this kind of expectation for people to buy, not a desperation, more like a kind of nagging entitlement that everyone should go out and spend all their money on gifts. If you don't, you're not showing your love. It's so annoying.

The gifts they're pushing seem to be more expensive this year too. Dyson put out a kit for hair. It's called the Dyson Airwrap and it does a lot of stuff. It dries your hair, straightens it, gives it amazing curls, and makes it look amazing, all with air instead of heat. It's supposed to be great. It's also like eight hundred dollars. New hair gadgets are a staple of holiday shopping but that is a LOT of money to spend on something to keep your hair looking cute when you can get a blowdryer and a flat iron for 40$.

This is nothing compared to the Brava Smart Oven. I saw a commercial for it and got curious about what it could do. I'm all for the concept of unconventional kitchens and it seemed to check a lot of boxes. From what I've read, it really does. The Brava uses light tech to cook food and is supposed to do it in a very perfected way to where the meals turn out amazing and you don't have to keep checking on them. The oven knows what to do.

It costs around a thousand for the oven and then another 250$ or so for the equipment to put in it. BUT that isn't even the kicker with this machine. While you can put anything you buy grocery-wise into it, it's recommended that you use their food delivery service. They'll send you products cut and curated especially for the oven at about 15-30$ per serving. In other words, you get the machine and then start a subscription to a food service. It's kind of like when VCRs first came out and all the tapes for them were really expensive.

Who has the money for this? Who has the money for this who isn't already employing someone to cook for them or is so into their own cooking that they have a great kitchen/food setup and would never do this kind of thing anyway? Who would buy this?

Uhhh. Anyway, I actually did the adult thing I talked about doing and bought dental insurance. It isn't horribly expensive but I'll need to make sure I keep some extra money back every month to pay for it. Darn,  that means I won't be getting those two servings of a Brava meal.

Overdue

So I'm going to get dental insurance. I've found a plan that is marginally affordable and might allow me to swing whatever hell they're going to have to do. I've not had dental insurance since I was probably 20. I know that sounds crazy, but it's just never been something I could easily manage.

Anyway, I need to be an adult about this and tend to my teeth. I'm terrified of dentists, but whatever. I'll just go on autopilot and disassociate while I'm there.

Fall Back

For the most part, my celebratory naps on the first day of Fall Back were just awesome. Glorious in fact.

I know the change isn't great for everyone. The darkness isn't easy and I know a lot of people are affected in bad ways by it. There are times when even I am. I guess the deal is that it makes me feel safe for a while. No idea why. I usually don't feel that way so I want to savor it for just a little while.

Hopefully the coming months will be peaceful and easy.

Monkey Bars

In Sims 4, one of the aspirations for your child sim is Motor Skills. It's the foundation for all of their adult physical abilities. The hardest level of it involves completing the motor skill itself, beating a difficult typing game on the computer, and making it across the monkey bars 3 times. When I read that last requirement, I always feel a little internal twinge.

When I was in early elementary school, our social scene revolved around the monkey bars. In order to talk to people and be viewed as socially worthy, you stood in line at the bars, took your turn, and then repeated this process until the bell rang.

I entered kindergarten as a fat kid so there was never this instance where I was a normal size to my peers. I would stand in line with the others and watch as kids would sail across those bars, their hands confidently grasping each rung with a solid thunk. As my place in line crept closer to the ladder, I would feel my heart begin to race. My mouth would go dry and I'd pause in conversations as the dread began to take over. By the time I was climbing the ladder, I would hope, in a kind of frantic way, that this time might be different.

It was never different. I would grasp the first bar and hang there, trying to will my arm to reach for the second one and knowing in a growing panic that it wouldn't. I would freeze in place until either the pain was too much or my hands were so sweaty they would let go.

People would sigh. People would roll their eyes or shake their heads. I would feel this complete shame and then for some stupid reason take my place at the end of the line to repeat the whole process.

I would have failed my Motor Skill Aspiration as a sim child.

I failed it as a real child too. When it came to physical things, I was always The Worst. I was the worst tetherball player. I was the worst volleyball player. They aimed for me in dodgeball and I couldn't shoot a basket to save my life. I couldn't climb the rope in middle school. Hell, I had to be pulled off the field when I tried to run a lap in middle school because I almost fainted.

When I quit band the summer before my junior year, I told my mom about it when I saw her at Pizza Hut one day. She told me that was for the best considering everyone just made fun of me when I was on the field anyway. It's the kind of statement from your mother that sinks into your soul and never really leaves you.

And so here I am as an adult. I'm very fat. It hurts to stand up. It hurts to stand in place. Walking in a combination of pain and fright that I might fall and do more damage to myself. I'm a let down to my friends because I'm a hassle any time they want to do something. I'm frustrated and frustrating to others.

Is there a point to this? Actually, yes. The thing about the monkey bars is that it's something accomplished during playtime, but that doesn't mean adults can't contribute to the situation. Maybe if someone would have worked with me, helped me, encouraged me, taught me how to tackle the problem as something I could overcome (instead of just believing I was doomed to fail), then perhaps the results in my adult life would be different. I'm not blaming the totality of my current situation on what adults did or did not do. I made decisions here along the way.

HOWEVER, if you are an adult with influence on a child, think about what you can teach them and HOW you can teach them that might make an impact on their views about their shortcomings. Take time to work with them to overcome the obstacle. Maybe set up a system that IS achievable to them at their current level as a way to help them build strength toward the thing they can't do at the moment. Don't coddle them, but don't berate them either. Teach them that life is harsh, but we're stronger.

As for me, well.....I guess I'll have to find my own way to see if I can get across all the metaphorical monkey bars.

2500

I've written over 2500 posts on this blog. I've covered several years of my life here, recording boring details, intense thoughts, insanity, disappointment, anger, discovery, joy, fear, cancer, recovery, and death. Well, not my death, clearly, but death.

Sometimes I think about quitting, but never for very long. Doing the blog is part of my nightly ritual now. It's now I wind down my day. It's also how I vaguely keep track of what's happening in my life. If for no other reason, I'll keep going for that.

Rooms of Color

I'm not even sure how old I was when I first saw this series of rooms of color on tv. I just remembered seeing them, being mystified by them and perhaps a little scared.

When I was somewhat older, I realize it was from Vincent Price's version of The Masque of the Red Death. There were my rooms of color and a very clear understanding of why I found this sinister.

I kind of forgot about all of this until last night when I saw the movie again. AMC was showing a whole marathon of Vincent Price movies and Masque was one of them. Those rooms are so fascinating, as is the ending when all the various colored versions of death show up.