Sick

I was sick all day. I'm feeling betterish now. Napping helped. It basically had to because I was up a lot during the night being sick. Blah.

So yeah, another short post. Maybe more tomorrow.

Small and Complainy

Meh. It's hot. I'm annoyed. I hate summer. I'll be happy when I find something else to read.

Finished and Happy

I finished The Unhewn Throne trilogy. It was so nice to read fantasy that was deep, fully complex, and yet finished in three books. Better! Three books already completed meaning I don't have to sit around for years waiting for new ones!

It was hot today and horribly muggy. The cats are miserable and so are we. I'm probably going to have to stay up pretty late in order for the temp to go down enough for me to be able to sleep.

It's fine though. I have a lot to think about. Those books were really good.

Teeth

My eyes won't quit watering. The cat lost her last front tooth. She's been woozy all day and tried to drink my tea. We think she wanted the ice to soothe her mouth.

The family thing went well. It seemed like everyone was tired and honestly, as the heat was creeping back up today, I think we all were. Hopefully it will cool down enough for sleeping.

Family Shindig

I'm seeing my family for the first time since Christmas tomorrow. We're doing this belated Father's Day thing for my dad. WAY belated. My brother will be cooking for us.

I'm kind of tired at the idea of it already, but I'm doing what I can to make it as easy on myself as possible. At the end of the day, I just hope I don't injure myself and that I have fun.

Long Years

I tried to find a post I wrote about fleas, but it's been so long ago, I don't even remember what year it was. I couldn't dredge through these many years of blog posts. It would have driven me bonkers. I should use hashtags but I don't.

It wasn't hot today and that was lovely. I napped so hard I woke up not remembering what time of day it was for a minute. I get cooler nights for the rest of the week. I plan to take as much advantage of that as I can. It's amazing what sleep can do to restore you.

Cool Weather Better Living

I actually slept last night. I even napped well this afternoon. If I can manage to sleep tonight, I might feel almost human tomorrow.

I had weird emotions tonight, but other than that, I'm doing okay. The cat slept on my desk almost all day. She seems better for the cool down in the weather as well. Hopefully, she'll eat more. Cats get so skinny during the summer.

Back to my Roots

I'm in a good mood tonight.  I spent my weekend reading a fantasy novel. It isn't that I don't read. I read all the time. It's just mostly nonfiction now. It's actually been quite a while since I read just for the pure pleasure of it.

I got the book because Tor offered it for free. At first, I wasn't sure I was going to like it because I kept seeing the influences. But then I started to really sink into the world and it's been awesome.

From about 4th grade on, fantasy was how I survived. I escaped whatever hell was going on in my life and lived in those. It sounds cliche, I know, but it's also true. At some point, I quit doing that and I really shouldn't have. The thing is, I've never stopped reading fantasy, but it seems that a lot of the stuff I've read as an adult (aside from Hodgell continuing her work) hasn't really made me have that same feeling I had as a kid. This book did.

So I'm thinking maybe the key to staving off the summer blues is to read more fantasy. I should just keep my head lost in another world for a while, invest my emotions into characters instead of feeling sorry for myself because of of.....well, all the stuff I'm always complaining about.

We'll see how that goes. For now, I'm just happy.

Get off my Lawn

The other day, the neighbor's son and some other kids were walking down the street. We heard a loud pop and he threw something at our yard and his own. My roommate went outside and realized he'd set a small fire in our yard.

I have nothing against the 4th of July, but I do dislike that some people around me seem to think that fireworks can be set off for weeks and weeks afterward, despite dried and clearly flammable grass.

And yes, I realize I sound like an old lady. I really don't care. You have a grace period of a couple of days around the 4th to shoot them. No more. Stop.

Cat Chaos

At the moment, I have two cats who hate each other. Also at the moment, they have both decided they want to sit near me. The older cat constantly wishes to sit on my desk and receive love and attention. This is a major change from her previous behavior.

The younger cat wants to sit by my feet. Mostly she'll jump over me (and the older cat) in order to sit on my ottoman and then get angry she can see the older cat. She had to know she was here already. This is just about chaos.

Tonight they glared at each other from the couch and desk. Some hissing happened. Yesterday they were both in my room. More hissing happened. I mean, it's not a huge house, but they could find other places.

Trying

Okay, I'm going to try to blog while I'm not in an absolutely awful mood. I think my focus has been off this morning and the sadness has been trying to take me, but I've decided I'm sick of that and I'm not going to let it.

With that in mind, I've been trying to do brain puzzles to help keep my brain chemicals working. I kind of suck at them, but we'll keep at it. I made sure I took my happymeds today and made a point to LOOK AT THEM and remind myself that they work. Because they do work. Then I'm going to finish up my stuff for tomorrow and BE HAPPY that I finished it.

I'm also going to resist writing about sad/angry/uncomfortable for at least a week.

The Sad

I'm sad about the heat. I'm sad it's here and that the bugs are here. I wish all of it would go away.

I'm sad when I see pets being sold or given away on the local yardsale page. I'm even sadder when no one responds.

I'm sad about all the conflict going on. I'm sad that people are okay with hurling insults at each other online. That probably sounds simplistic. I don't care. I don't insult people online anymore. I cringe when I think about the things I've said. I've made amends as much as I can.

I'm sad about my life. I know I won't sleep well tonight. I'm normally angry about that but I'm just too down to be angry. I'm just sad.

Documenting the Depression

I slept well last night but my mind isn't in a good place today. All the chemicals are off and I'm really really depressed. I keep trying to reset things and work through my various tactics for handling the darkness, but it isn't easy.

People tend to think that Depression is about your emotions. There is that side of it and I won't deny it. The absolute worst days for me, however, are the ones where emotions are hard to come by, where everything is hard to come by. It's like the only thing in my mind is just this continuing cycle of all the mistakes I've made, the ones that seemed small at the time but built up and up into massive piles of failure. Failure that I will never be able to climb out from under.

And to the side is always this tiny, tiny voice of me trying to remind myself of all the good things and all the right decisions. The Big Voice always looks over and drowns that one out. Oh, and then adds 'ungrateful' to the list of failures. I hate that voice.

Cooler

Today and tomorrow are supposed to be cooler. I'm going to try my best to take full advantage of that and sleep. Maybe I'll feel more alive for a bit.

Been watching Unforgotten. One of the things about this show is how people's past always comes back to haunt them. Some people view this as justice and in some cases (for instance, you killed someone/raped them/otherwise ruined their life), it is. However, I think it's dangerous to judge people on how they felt as teenagers if they didn't harm anyone. I get why people bring that kind of thing up, but honestly, if it's always going to be used against you, what is the point of changing in the first place?

The Issue

This is First World Problems, but whatever. I'm miserable.

I think the biggest drawback to not having an HVAC system is the uncertainty. With a thermostat, you decide what level of air you're willing to deal with and the system does the rest.

With an air conditioner, it feels like I'm always begging or demanding for it to be on. And I get why. Because you have to wait for a while, the way to achieve and level of coolness in the house is to open all the awful, difficult, bitchy windows and doors. And there are a lot of them. The act of turning on the AC isn't a matter of just flipping a switch. It involves closing at least two windows in several rooms. It's a tiring process and when it cools down enough for the AC to go off, the whole thing has to be repeated. So I understand WHY we wait.

It's just there is this place where the heat and humidity get really bad for me. Not bad for everything in the house, but bad for me. I get nauseous and often have abrupt bathroom issues. My body aches and feels like it's full of wasps. My adrenaline kicks in (which seems counterproductive to staying cool) and I'm suddenly panicky and nervous. Agitated.

I'm not writing about this to try to get an HVAC system. I can't. I know I can't. I'm writing about it to try and be rational about the summer weather. Oh and to complain because complaining is why I have the blog.

Mush

My brain has mostly been mush today. I've just been drifting. It wasn't a bad day, I think I was just so tired that I had trouble with focus. Oh well. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Better

The shorter hair really made a difference. I slept with some level of peace last night, even though the humidity was high. Today the weather is better all the way around. I may get more sleep again. Yay.

There have been some changes in my life recently. I'm starting to come to terms with the changes and focus on the bright side. I'm getting into a better routine and writing more, even if it is just example essay writing.

Amazing what a day of lower temp can do for me, huh?

Fantasies in your 40s

A friend of mine is moving. One of her stipulations for doing this move is that she and her husband got one of those giant dumpsters and purged 85% of the stuff out of their house.

Now, anything useful or reusable will be donated or sold, but all the useless stuff built up over their time as a married couple will be sent away. They have agreed that only the most important elements will travel with them. The things they use on the daily, things they cannot live without, things that are truly, truly important.

So ever since then, I've been wondering what it would be like to purge that much of what I own. I don't exactly want to. Not really. I'm no minimalist. However, it is an interesting concept. There is something to be said for just having the smallest amount of stuff you can, especially when it comes to moving. In fact, my friend said the deciding factor on any item is always "do I want to carry this in a box to the new house?" She said she is amazed at how very few things she truly wishes to move.

On a kind of related note, I got most of my hair cut off today. It's joyous.

Haircut Plans

Tomorrow I get my hair cut. I have a picture selected for what I want. It's super short. I don't care if it looks good on me. Honestly, I don't think anything does so I might as well at least be comfortable during the heat of summer. Uggh, and the wet of summer. The humidity is awful right now.

So right now my goal is to get enough sleep to feel up to getting my shower and going to get the haircut. I need this to happen. My hair is hot and driving me insane. It's also constantly blowing in my eyes because of the fans. No matter what I try, I can never secure all of the whispies into a clip to keep it away from my face.

Anyway, that's the plan for tomorrow. I really hope all goes well.

Power

The power went out today. Because of course our power goes out rather often and mostly when it's hot. We left the house and drove around for a while. By the time we came back, it was on again. This always scares me though. I wasn't meant for off the grid.

Drifting

When my grandmother died, my uncle and my aunt were here to be with her during her last days. The three of us got very close, despite some rocky past history and many differences in our ideals. When they went back home, I felt very close to them and secure about that.

Over the years, their views have gotten more extreme. I tried to debate with them for a while, but eventually just had to block them because it was all so illogical and toxic. It's to the point now where their kids often are the ones arguing with them about things, but they never listen. The last couple of times I've seen my uncle, he seemed distant. When I've called him, I've felt less warmth.

My cousin often posts cute little things her toddler says to her. Tonight she did that and my aunt's comments back basically sucked all the life and joy out of it.

This had nothing to do with me. The comments were in no way directed at me and I'm sure I wasn't even in anyone's thoughts when they were made. And yet, reading them, I felt a kind of real sadness about the whole thing. It seems like they can't react to anything without judgment and political agenda.

And yes, I know everyone does this to an extent. People make a lot of personal decisions based on politics. I get that. At the same time, it hurts to watch people you love lose more and more of themselves to where they can only respond with rhetoric. It's sad and more than a little frightening to wonder what all they will sacrifice.

The Small Joys

Sometimes the world seems awful. Then I found out Cazwell has a podcast where he gives people advice. Hahaha. Life is grand.

4th

Today wasn't so bad. It had its moments of horrible heat, but for the most part, we were okay. We had a nice salad for our holiday dinner and tried to comfort cats as people shot off fireworks.

Post Trip

Today was long but overall, it was good. My roommate received good news from his doctor. Things are healing up and that is wonderful.

I'm hurting from the trip. Tomorrow is the 4th and we don't really have big plans. I'm okay with that. I mostly just want to sleep and be in cool air.

Positivity Failure

How am I doing on the Body Positivity scale today? -100.

I hate my body. I hate its needs. I hate its demands. I hate its complaints. Too cold. Too hot. Too much pain. Too tired. Too broken. To wet. Too dry. I hate that it's always hungry or sleepy or scared or depressed or hurting.

I hate how it labels me. My body causes people to judge me or decide things about me (or worse, decide things FOR me) for reasons I never asked for. I never asked to be a woman. I never asked to be this skin color, this ethnicity, this size, or this shape. All of these are things I get judged on every day and all of it was decided without my input. Best believe, these are not the circumstances I would have chosen.

I hate how trapped I feel. I hate how hopeless I feel. I hate the nausea. I hate the stress. I hate that moment when all of it just gets to be so much that I lose control and just whimper. I hate the panic attacks. I hate the vulnerability. I hate how supporting the body costs money, meaning I have to scramble to find ways to pay for it. Pay for a body and needs and demands I never asked for and do not want.

I love my mind. I love everything abstract about who I am. I wish I could just upload that onto a machine and exist without a body. I wish I could just free float around cyberspace with no physical needs and only type to people when I wished it. That would be perfect.

Start of July

It's actually not too awful tonight. That may change as the humidity rises, but I'm not wanting to kill anything at the moment. Well, not because of the heat anyway.

We have a lot to do this week. I'm not that nervous about it because basically all I have to do is just sit there. As for other obligations I have, mine are finished until Friday. That feels good.

I didn't sleep well last night. Hopefully the cooler weather will let me sleep some tonight.