Positivity Failure

How am I doing on the Body Positivity scale today? -100.

I hate my body. I hate its needs. I hate its demands. I hate its complaints. Too cold. Too hot. Too much pain. Too tired. Too broken. To wet. Too dry. I hate that it's always hungry or sleepy or scared or depressed or hurting.

I hate how it labels me. My body causes people to judge me or decide things about me (or worse, decide things FOR me) for reasons I never asked for. I never asked to be a woman. I never asked to be this skin color, this ethnicity, this size, or this shape. All of these are things I get judged on every day and all of it was decided without my input. Best believe, these are not the circumstances I would have chosen.

I hate how trapped I feel. I hate how hopeless I feel. I hate the nausea. I hate the stress. I hate that moment when all of it just gets to be so much that I lose control and just whimper. I hate the panic attacks. I hate the vulnerability. I hate how supporting the body costs money, meaning I have to scramble to find ways to pay for it. Pay for a body and needs and demands I never asked for and do not want.

I love my mind. I love everything abstract about who I am. I wish I could just upload that onto a machine and exist without a body. I wish I could just free float around cyberspace with no physical needs and only type to people when I wished it. That would be perfect.