Floodland

It's been raining for quite a while now. Some of the lower roads and bridges are starting to flood. The river hasn't flooded over yet, but it was very high. If the rains keep up, we may lose our favored way to get out of town. 

This is really odd weather for August, as I have mentioned before. Then again, tomorrow starts September, so we're heading into Fall. Tomorrow is also my roommate's birthday. Happy birthday to him! 

Small Rearrangement

 We did some small rearranging in the living room. We just added three shelves instead of the entertainment center in the corner and it made such a massive difference. 

I would love to do the same thing on the other side. We have some file cabinets over there but they tend to stick, are difficult to handle, and no matter how much we tried to keep them organized, it's almost impossible to find things in them. I would love to switch that to another shelving unit and put the files in magazine holders. I think it's a better look and would keep things more organized just be the nature of them being smaller. 

But that is for a later day. In the meantime, I'll enjoy deeply the changes we do have. They're awesome. 

The Weird Storm

 It was horribly hot almost all day. Hot and muggy. We had the AC on probably the earliest we've had it on all year. It was truly nasty.

This evening, there was a weird storm. The storm consisted of lots of lightning, wind, and strange rain. The rain was light and almost gentle but massive at the same time. The sky was orange and bright. 

This cooled things down, but now it's humid again. I think I'm ready for summer to be over, though I have no idea how weird Fall is going to be. 

Dark August

 It was another dark and rainy day. This is so unusual for a month where the sun usually burns down on us and kills grass and bugs and hopes. My roommate and I suspect that September will be unrelentingly hot like it was last year, but with all the hurricane stuff altering the weather patterns, who really knows anymore? 

My video is finished and I'm doing my best to just chill tonight. My legs are hurting and that isn't making life fun. Hopefully that stops soon. 

Trial and Error

 I think I've gotten my mic situation sorted. I put a crocheted potholder under it to help to cut down on the outside noise. Along with my other sound-blocking, that seems to have done the trick. I still have too much of an echo, but I don't think there is really anything I can do about that in my house. It doesn't sound perfect, but it sounds a lot better than it did. 

This newest video also includes silly art props and a sermon. It's kind of glorious. I'm really pleased with it.

Self Promotion

 I've been writing this blog for years now and I never promoted it. I never saw the point. Some people I love (hey fam) read it on occasion to see how I am. Not too many people though. It's always been fine because the blog was about me and just keeping things sorted in my own head. For what I need it to be, it serves its purpose.

Recently I've realized I also did this because I hate self-promotion.  I promote the Youtube channel and I hate promoting it. It always feels fake and weird and pushy. The thing is, people promote their stuff all the time and I don't see those people as fake/weird/pushy, but I am sure they probably feel the same way. It's not something we're really inclined or practiced at doing. 

We need more subscribers though. I want more people watching the videos because I know they're good and worth watching. So I kind of push myself to promote the channel, even if it makes my teeth itch.

Anyway, follow me on Twitter @CowsWar. Please come subscribe to the Youtube channel WarCows.

Uggh.

August Winding Down

 We had plans for today but they fell through. Something was supposed to arrive in the mail and it didn't. This is throwing off a schedule but I guess right now that can't be helped. 

I had good news today. One of the medical issues going on with a loved one went well. This was a relief to me. It's a long road ahead, but hopefully, a road that leads to recovery.

I need to get my video together. I just lack the creativity to do it right now. I lack the ability to be ON to do it right now. So.....I have no idea when that's happening. 

Evening Blues

 I've been having this problem with hitting a pretty dark level of sadness in the evening. It has some paranoia pricking at it and a little bit of panic. I'm really hating it.

I understand it though. 2020 is a year of strange madness and confusion. I have a lot of people who have been ill. I have people who may not get better. There is nothing I can do about really any of this. So yeah, it's depressing and sad and scary.

So here we are. A weird year and a sad year. I'm just trying to get past it. 

Oil Change

Uggh. So we had to get an oil change today and it took forever. There is this Cosmic Rule in the universe that if I have a choice between two lines, I am somehow always going to end up in the slower line. This is just a fact. In this case, we had two cars go through the line before we even got into the garage. 

The old man was slow and he was smoking the whole time he worked on our car. That was a bit disconcerting. My roommate said he'd managed to not explode anything yet but honestly, that's a trick you can only do once. 

Anyway, we were there for like an hour. It was annoying. But the care has new oils now, so that's worth it.

Friday Again

 Today I found out that someone I deeply care about is very, very ill. It's possible there isn't a fix for it. I hope there is, but while I hope for the best, I'm trying to emotionally prepare myself for the worst. Whatever the case, I just hope the least amount of pain and suffering happens. 

2020 is one of those years no one will ever forget. Too much has already happened and changed and fell apart. Even if everything settled down today, this year has already been life-altering for almost all of us. 

In the meantime, I'll keep trying my best to make things and entertain others. It's really all I can do.

A Scary Moment

I never could get Origin to load for me, so I ended up having to uninstall and then reinstall it. This was pretty scary. I had no idea if my games would still be there for me. Thankfully, they were.

People keep talking about Sims 5 coming out and what they want from me. I'll be honest here, there are a lot of things I would love to see in the game, but what I want more than most of all is for the game to be STABLE. I'm tired of crashes and reloads and moments like the ones I went through today. Just give me a stable game. Give me a strong foundation for the game. That is the best thing they could do for us.

Weird Summer

 In two weeks, it will be September. The ninth month of the year can still be hot, but for the most part, summer is fading. Even tonight, it feels more like autumn than summer. I'm thankful for the break in the heat. 

I've picked up my knitting again. It's hard for me to knit when it's hot. I know that if I even spent half an hour on it, I would be achieving something with it, but for some reason, my mind just rebels against the idea knitting when I'm uncomfortably warm. Tonight though, my fingers crave the needles and the click they make when they hit together. So knitting will happen. Again, it's a Fall thing.

I hope this trend continues.

Blah

 The internet just went out. They were doing maintenance on it. I'm just glad it's back on. It's always so worrying when it goes off. My ancestors must be laughing at me. 

Anyway, good day other than that. I folded a lot of stuff and took a really great nap. I need to start on my next video, but I just didn't feel like it. Maybe tomorrow. For now, I'm just enjoying revisiting Sandman. 

Paranoia

 I got a call from someone claiming to be from my CPAP supplier on Saturday. I did not trust this call. I called them back today and found out I was just being paranoid. But hey, we live in paranoid times. Whatchagonnado? 

Anyway, I should be getting a new machine in....eventually. The mail is weird right now, so who knows when it will actually arrive. 

I worry about my paranoia. I feel like this was an old lady response to the situation. I worry I'm just getting so mistrustful and scared. Then I look around at the world and all this *waves hands at the fuckery* and I realize no one is really making like logical decisions right now. At all. 

Oh well. I'll have a new machine soon.

Obsession

 I have a relative who broke a hip. I've been keeping up with what's happening via other family members, but last night the person in question sent me a PM on Facebook asking me to check out their personal page for more information. 

When I went to their page, all they said was they were in the hospital and then some propagandized political stuff. I just....wow.

I looked at this person's page and all I saw was political stuff. Nothing about family or pets or friends or activities or hobbies or anything that makes a person a PERSON. Just political stuff. And not just a little bit of it. Tons. Post after post after post. 

I think it's time we recognized political obsession as an addiction. I think it's time we started to face how much it's ruining people's lives, how hallow and empty it's making them. I think it's time we explained to them and accepted that focusing on politics to that level creates chemical rushes in the brain that people can become dependent on. I think it's time we get people some help so they can go back to being normal people instead of little hate machines because this is really disturbing and it's destroying lives. 

The Heat Returns

 It was so humid yesterday that I didn't get to sleep until well past four. Today it was nasty again, though at least the humidity seems to be lower. Thank goodness. 

I did okay on my eating today. I stopped when I was supposed to stop. I lifted my little 8 lb weight. I can handle it better than I could a month ago. Even a little progress, I am going to count as progress. 

The Unexpected Gift

 A friend sent me an unexpected little gift and it really brightened my day. Not that my day was bad beforehand. It was really pretty good. I put the finishing touches on the scripted part of my video. I did the audio work just a while ago. I did exercise, I didn't eat past the point when I'm not supposed to eat. I laughed a lot.

I'm finding that the closer we get to the election, the more people I'm having to snooze. There is a lot of hate, lies, and delusion on there. That isn't good for my mental health. Best to just check in with folks after the dust settles. 

In the meantime, I'll try to cling to the good bits. 

The Challenge

 My nephew and I have been trying to do a challenge for days now. Last night we almost got it, but then it did a thing and decided I forfeited. We were so devastated. 

It was fun though. This may end up being edited into a documentary. I don't know yet. I'm not emotionally ready to go through that footage. 

Posting Early

 We've had a steady rainstorm going on all day. It's not knocked out our power or internet yet (clearly), but that's a possible thing that could happen, so I'm writing this post early.

My nephew and I have been trying to do a challenge on a game for days now. We're on our ninth attempt now. He's been recording it because he assumed we would just finish it and post it on Youtube. We have so much footage now, I suggested he turn it into a documentary. 

Anyway, whatever the case, this time we had to stop because he lost power. On to the next one! Yay!

A Good Day

 Aside from finding out some scary family news, my day was good. I ate well. I was social. I kept a positive perspective on things. 

I'm also trying to prepare for some stuff. My roommate thinks the Seasonal Affect Disorder is going to be bad this year. I think he's right. I'm looking into ways for us to navigate through that. SAD was pretty rough last year and really rough the year before. This year, with the potential for more months of isolation and more months of weirdness ahead, I think plans need to be made. 

Backsliding

 I have been so good at keeping my laundry up for months now. And yet, two baskets of it sit in the hallway, waiting to be folded.  I've been so good at handling my eating past a certain time, and yet I'm doing everything aside from gnawing on my own fingers to keep from eating right now. Everything inside me is trying so hard to backslide. 

I could give excuses here. It's hot. I've been sick. I've been depressed. It doesn't matter though. I still need to fold my clothes. I still need to monitor what and when I eat. Even if things have gotten bad, I still need to stop and do better. 

The backsliding really pisses me off. 

Edit: I folded my clothes. I managed to not eat anything. 

It Returns

 After a nice little vacation, the heat has returned to our lives. I'm guessing the nights of sleeping under a blanket will be gone for a while. I'll miss them, but I was certainly grateful to have them. 

Because the AC was on, the cat spent the majority of her day next to me. She's sleeping on my desk with the top half of herself on my chair arm as I write this. It's such a comfort to have her near me. I'm so glad I now have a connection with this cat. 

As you can tell, I'm in a pretty good mood. We had a nice day and it was rather bright outside. Honestly, as much as I dislike the heat, we needed the brightness. 

Perspective

 The second season of Umbrella Academy has been very emotional for me. I didn't expect that. I understand why it was though. With most of the season taking place in the 1960s, it's clear how much has changed in America. 

Alison is involved in the Civil Rights movement and at one point holds a sit in at a diner. All she and the others do is just sit at a counter in a diner while black, but that is enough to earn them anger and violence. It's so easy to forget how recently it was that people were treated with such little dignity. I realize we are NO WHERE near where we need to be in terms of racial equality, but it used to be so much worse and I'm glad we've made the steps we have. 

The episodes we watched tonight tackled Vanya's gay relationship with a married woman and how much power that woman's husband had to mess up their lives. He had Vanya arrested and sent to the FBI on suspicion of spying. Even Alison's decent husband still feels he has ownership over her and rights in their marriage that seem overbearing by today's standards. Again, it is good these things have changed. 

I often think that people who don't fall into minority positions fail to see the ways in which being a certain kind of person can impact almost every aspect of your life. Can you imagine losing your job just because you put your marriage announcement in the paper? Can you imagine not being allowed into a store just because of your skin color? Can you imagine what life would be like if you saw people all around you doing what seems like the most simple of things and realizing those things were out of your grasp? That shouldn't be the way of our society. 

Pillows

 I've been slowly redoing the pillows on my bed. I have a lot of them and they needed some new pillowcases. Right now, I think I've mostly got that handled. I need to recover a couple of them with new cases, but then we should be finished with it. 

Even if I didn't accomplish anything else this year (though I have accomplished other things this year), getting a new bed and redoing how I sleep would still be a worthwhile accomplishment. I sleep with so much more peace than I used to. The bed still has issues, but it's far better compared to the situation I had before.

On a side note, an outdoor tomcat startled Tink while she was sitting in the window. I've been telling her she's not engaged to him. So far, no scratches.  

First Trash Day in August

We did our trash day today for the first time this month. Things went rather well. I published a video. It was like pulling teeth to edit, but I had fun when I was actually working on it. 

Overall it was a good day, really. My stomach is kind of messed up, but other than that, I'm good. 

The Appointment

Hey, so I had my virtual appointment today. I got into the system fine, but my doctor didn't show up for about an hour and a half later. This was annoying because it meant I was in limbo that whole time. And, of course, by the time I finally decided I should just stop waiting and go to the bathroom, she showed up. Uggh. 

Aside from the lag, the actual appointment went smoothly. We never dropped out of contact with each other or anything. Overall, I think that part of it went fairly well. I'm also happy I didn't have to go into the office. That sucks at the best of times. 

Will I do the virtual appointment again? Yes. But I won't assume she'll be there on time, I'll make sure I pee before committing to anything, and I'll remember not to say more than one thing at a time. 

But as I said, it's far better than going into the office, so I'm willing to let it become A Thing. 

Frustrating Day

I'm not sure what it was about today but it just really sucked the joy out of my soul. I'm ending this day just feeling awful. Like, seriously, awful. I feel defeated and exhausted. 

Maybe it's the appointment tomorrow, though I have no idea why it would be. I have prepared for that about as much as I can. Maybe it's just the general state of my body being worn out or the way Covid and summer keep dragging on. I have no idea. I just....

I feel like all my creative energy is drained. I was so created even a month ago and now it just feels gone. I just want to retreat and hide. 

I hope I feel better tomorrow.

Blessings in Absence

Okay, clearly I am not used to this new blogger style yet. I hit the wrong icon like three times trying to start this post. 

I wanted to talk today about gratitude. It's something I try to think about a lot because I really do believe that one of the keys to a happy life is remembering the blessings and benefits I do have. I know that when I focus on the stuff I don't have or the stuff that is broken or the stuff that is going wrong, I'm just miserable. It's when I look at all the beautiful things going on in my life that I start to really get my mind to function properly. 

I think one of the better hacks to this is remembering the benefits you have when something is NOT in your life. This isn't to say said thing is a BAD thing, but all things come with their downsides. When you don't have that thing in your life, you also don't have the downsides of it.

Just as an example. I have never owned an expensive car. I've always owned used cars, most of the time, VERY used cars. So yeah, they break down. They have no social credibility (and we all know that's a Thing). They often make weird noises and have strange quirks that you have to get used to. 

Now, I could lament the fact that I'vE nEvEr OwNeD a NeW cAr!!!......or I can be thankful that I never had massive insurance costs. I've never had massive tag costs or had to worry that someone would steal my vehicle. Those struggles have never been my struggles and this is a good thing. 

Also, in almost every case, my cars have come to me via rather interesting circumstances. It was never a boring event. My cars usually have interesting personalities (my brain probably assigns them, but still) and my time with them is usually long. My cars, like my house, are my shelters. Most of the time, I love them. 

Of course, that's an easy example. There are other things that are lacking in my life that are sometimes harder to hack into a blessing moment. I still manage to do it, unless my mental health is REALLY shot at the time, but sometimes it takes effort. 

But that's another thing about happiness, isn't it? It isn't just this passive thing that wanders over to you and fills you with a glow. Happiness is a state of mind and we have to do the work to get there. 

Despite my Best Efforts

My nephew suggested I make my videos shorter. It wasn't a bad idea and it allowed me to finish editing today without my effort. The problem was, I doubled a scene and didn't realize it until I'd published the video. Thankfully I caught it on a watch through. I'm annoyed with that, but it is what it is. I took the video down and I'm redoing it.

My stomach has been all kinds of nasty today. I'm just kind of eeking around the house, hoping this ends quickly. I'd like to have some normal days where I just feel OKAY. Not depressed, not anxious, not worried something's going to mess up, not too hot, just....just okay. It really sucks that my stomach is doing this right now. The weather is mild and wonderful right now.