Banned Books Week

 I didn't post last night because I was working on a video for Banned Books Week. ALA put out some graphics and I used those as the thrust of what I was talking about, but not all of it.

Reading is an amazing thing. In some ways, it is the BEST thing. Reading can alter everything. The written word has, time and time again, changed society and culture. I suppose it is this power that makes people so interested in limiting what we can read. 

I will always support the free and open exchange of words and ideas. Even if those words and ideas are ones I don't agree with, I still want those concepts to be open. I want people to be free to speak their minds and write what they feel. 

I mean, for one thing, it lets me know who I need to stay far away from!

A Little Cheer

 Okay so if you're working from home or otherwise just spending a lot more time at home than you usually do, you might want to consider some stuff as we head into the later and celebratory part of the year. 

Normally you may not decorate, and that's fine. The thing is, you're probably exposed to decorations for our various holidays. Those decorations may have an effect on you, even if it's not something you think about that much.

With that in mind, it might be a good idea to invest in some decorations. I'm not talking about ALL the decorations. Just one, maybe two. Buy a cute little plastic jack-o-lantern and stick it in your living room. When November comes along, replace it with a little felt pilgrim hat or something. Put up something that represents how you celebrate during December when December arrives.

Decoration doesn't have to be a lot of stuff. I usually put two or three things on my mantel. I'll tell you though, I love those little decorations while they're up. It really adds to the holiday.

And no, maybe in a normal year, you wouldn't even bother. This is no normal year. This is 2020. Buying something cute to look at might make things a little better.

Last September Sunday

 I was pretty pleased with this month. We celebrated my roommate's birthday. I got my Christmas list together. I sat in my car and socially distanced from people I'd not seen in a while. I listened to some great music. 

I think the big take away from September was me seeing progress in my video making. I did some work this month that I am very proud of. I experimented with the extent of my abilities and solved some editing problems that I wouldn't have solved a month ago. So yay!

Also, as the weather is cooling, the Old Lady Cat has decided to return to being my almost constant companion.  She's even sleeping in the bed near me now.

Milestone

 I did a very minor and pretty not great animation video. Seriously, it was just a squiggle line over a mouth. Even still, it is my first non-game related video and I am very proud of it. 

It's a little over six minutes long and it took me two days to make. The animation process is really tedious. Though, honestly, I don't mind that. This was fun as hell to do and I love the video. 

So yay. Sept 27, 2020, I finished my first animated video. My first non-game driven video. I'm really proud of myself. 

Small Goals Fall Goals

 I finished my review of the Sims 4: Journey to Batuu clothing today. The video is rather awesome. It's all commentary from a robot.

It's uploaded and set to premiere tomorrow. That's two videos from me this week and three for the channel. My nephew wants us to do a better rate of videos and this is, honestly, two more than we usually get. So yay.

I've also been exploring the Youtube Audio library and it is amazing. I went a little download happy though. I need to organize stuff. That should be a Fall Goal.

So far, the Fall Goals include finishing some art, finishing some pillows, and getting my room ready for winter. A good list, I think. Also, a manageable one. 

Cooling Down

My roommate got out some blankets today for the living room. The cats cozied up to us and slept near to take advantage of our warmth. Tink has decided to return to my shoulder as her favorite place. I think I need the cuddles so I'm good with this.

As we have taken steps to handle the SAD, I'm rather looking forward to Fall. It's still scary, with illness, unrest, and elections looming, but I'm going to do my best to keep my focus on the things I CAN control. 

Right now, that involves doing a video from the perspective of a hostile robot!

Very Creative Days

I produced a piece of video yesterday that I am so happy with. I've watched it over and over again and love it every time.

The video below is NOT that one. The one I love is too large to post on Blogger. This is a small bit I did about what kind of art we were making. I found a creepy robot to read my text!

Also, my sister in law posted this picture of her figs last night. I really liked the arrangement of it.

Because I liked the arrangement of it, I messed with it in GIMP to make it look like it was painted. Glorious Still Life.

Like I said. It's been a creative week so far. 

Back at my Game

 I was funny on Facebook today. And yesterday. A lot of funny. I'm on a roll. I think I'm back on my game. In fact, I'm writing this between editing an Age of Empires video. The footage my nephew sent me is like two hours long and I'm trying to take this down to a ten-minute video. Ten to 15. We'll see. 

Anyway, today was good. We did our shopping and driving about. We're both preparing for winter and SAD in our own ways. Hopefully being active about it will help us to manage it. 

So the Despair

 I made a mistake and looked at Facebook for too long today. Within seconds, I saw people posting stuff that made me stabbity. I should have known better. 

Outside of that, my day was pretty good. I'm starting to slowly get my mindset back where it comes to the house around me. Slow slow, but it's getting there. I think I may give Kondo's book a listen. That might even make it better.

I did my video recording for the next installment of Sims. I also agreed to edit something my nephew just can't find it in him to edit. It's fine. I like editing.

So the Doom

 I didn't post last night because I really couldn't. I was just reeling over RBG's death and the significance of that to what could possibly happen in my country.  Then I was angry about the fact that a lot of these folks are so awful and dishonorable or ineffectual that things basically rested on the shoulders of one person. 

Now she's gone. She's been a light in all this darkness. She's tried so hard to bring justice and fairness to the SCOTUS and she will be deeply, profoundly missed.

So what happens now? My best guess is that some pasty will be put onto the Court, that side will cheat, they'll get away with it, and then the trash fire will grow until it consumes us all. 

Maybe we'll get Soma?

Rest in Peace, Justice Ginsburg. You will be deeply missed. 

Strange in Translation

 I am who I am. I'm not upset about the fact that I'm strange. I don't wear it as a badge of honor though. Wait, I might. I do have a necklace that says "Geek" on it......

Anyway, the thing about being strange is that sometimes people misunderstand you, even people you're close to. Sometimes they take you just being strange as you being serious and get freaked out by what you said. Other times, they misunderstand the very straightforward thing you just said and assume you said something weird because, well, because you're weird. 

Just as an example, my nephew thought I was telling him about a scifi movie/book that I love called "Dude." When I asked him, why, whywhywhy he would think I would love anything called "Dude" he just laughed and admitted he'd been wrong. But then again, he also knows I'm strange, so it just might BE within the range of possibility for me to love something called Dude. Who knows?

I'm not really complaining here. I'm not whining about no one understanding me. Plenty of people understand me.....sometimes better than I want them to. I'm just saying that when you're a strange person, you have to accept that sometimes communication breaks down and it might be best to offer some clarification. Other times, meh, it's fine. Just keep them guessing.

2020 Voting

 I know there is a lot of discussion about absentee voting, but for many people (myself included), it was a needed thing this year. Oklahoma actually made it easier on people, given the pandemic and all. I sent for my ballot and received it the other day. It has layers, kind of like a turducken!

There is the actual ballot, which you fill out as you do. It was very very strange to see KANYE'S name on my ballot, let me tell you. I did not vote for him. 

Once you finish voting, you put that in an envelope and seal it. Then you have the verification layer. Oklahoma allows you to just sign, date, and provide a copy of your ID to this part. You put your ballow envelope inside that envelope and then put the verification envelope into the outer envelope. Then you can send it off. 

So see, there are steps to this. It isn't just like people can send in slips of paper with the name of someone vague scribbled on it and that count as a vote. There is a process, one you have to check over several times to make sure you included everything in the proper sequence. 

One way or the other, my vote has been sent off to be counted. 

Tired

 I slept well last night, but I am seriously tired today. I just can't shake the feeling of wanting to fall back to sleep. 

This didn't stop me from being a little productive though. I did audio for my current project, folded clothes, and cleaned out a basket. Maybe it's just all the *waves hand at the world in general* getting to me. Maybe it's just the weather cooling down.

Maybe It Doesn't

So it's Suicide Prevention Month. Let's talk about suicide. A friend of mine wrote about it and related their own experiences with suicidal thoughts and the complexities of what leads to those thoughts. They talked about their darker moments, how things sometimes even reached a new level of darkness, and how eventually, things got better for them. I'm very, very sincerely happy that things improved in their situation. 

Let's talk about suicide and other situations, because the truth is, for many people, things don't improve. Things stay bad. Sometimes, things get worse. Sometimes you look back at those dark days in your past and realize you would give ANYTHING for your problems to be as simple as they were then. Sometimes the darkness just piles up and piles up and piles up and you have no idea how to dig your way out of that mountain on top of you.

Let's talk about suicide and being middle aged. Let's talk about all the goals and plans and wishes and hopes and dreams you had that kept you from killing yourself when you were younger. Let's talk about all the moments when people said “but you're so young and things will change” but here you are in your 40s or 50s or 60s and they never did. You never found the love of your life. Or worse, you did find them, but you were not the love of their life. You never became successful. You never lived up to your potential. You never went to those places you wanted to see and you never experienced the stuff you wanted to experience. You're older now and you're poor or broken or sick or all of that. You know none of the good stuff will ever happen. You've wasted all those years and all you have to show for it is a marked failure to solve the problems life presented to you. You feel the weight of your failures between your shoulder blades, pushing in, sometimes throbbing, always there to remind you that you never got it right.

Let's talk about suicide and how you know people see you. You're no longer some sadcase kid. You're not someone just going through a rough patch. Your eyes are destroyed. Your body is destroyed. Your teeth are breaking. You sometimes can string your sentences together and that scares you more than all the rest. Or maybe it scares you more that you got used to broken teeth and constant pain. Something inside you tells you it's what you deserve.

Let's talk about suicide and the darkest moments you spend by yourself. The moments when the world overwhelms you, when everything around you seems insane. When it seems like everything has passed you by and whatever you were holding out for is meaningless or gone or was never going to happen in the first place.

Let's talk about suicide and living during 2020. Let's talk about how your foundations are crumbling. Let's talk about how you've probably not seen anyone in months, how you're terrified as the numbers go up, how the world is on fire.  Let's talk about the ones who are working on the front lines of this,  about the constant pressure they're under, about the shit way they get treated, about how this never seems to end. Let's talk about how sometimes you wish you'd just get it, how you promised yourself you'd not tell anyone, how you plan to just waste away from it and become a number of a year of chaos instead of succumbing to the more violent means of ending things. 

Let's talk about suicide and how all of the above is true for a lot of people. Let's talk about how some of them may read this and feel this in their bones. Let's talk about how some other people may read this and assume I'm just talking about myself (I am, but not always) and how they'll roll their eyes and think I'm being dramatic, though deep down, they secretly wonder if they feel this way too. Let's talk about how exhausting it is to keep going on and how this nasty little year is making that exhaustion even worse.

Am I going to offer you any hope or any of that? Nope. I don't think that makes things better. I'm not going to offer anything that I have no way of knowing will actually happen. 

I will suggest this. If there is something that makes you happy, lean into it. Lean into it hard. If it's music, listen over and over. If it's a movie, watch it on repeat. If it's a mindless game, play and zone out. Lean into the stuff that helps you forget. Right now, in this nasty stressful year, that may be the best you can do. I don't even know if it will help or if it will be enough. 

Maybe it will be enough to get you through the moments though. Right now, that's all any of us can hope for.

Stress Dream

 Most of the time my stress dreams are about school. Either I'm in high school or college and I've forgotten to show up to a class all semester or I forgot to do the homework or I'm naked. Something like that. In almost all cases, my stress dreams are about education, and me messing that up.

Last night, I had a new kind of stress dream. I dreamed I was heading toward a deadline for me to move and I was in a house, a massive house, full of unpacked things. In the dream, I kept walking from junk-filled room to junk-filled room and trying my best to pack things in boxes. It was deeply frustrating.

I'm sure there is a reading in that about how I have a lot of mental baggage that I need to sort through so I can move on with my life. We'll see what we can do.

Can't Understand II

 We've had this new format for Blogger a while now so why am I still hitting the wrong button (more than once) every single day? 

How do I manage to scrape my leg on my desk at least about as often as said scrape heals? In all honesty, I think that's the main reason I want a new desk. I just have no way of knowing if it will make things better.

Why am I always elated once I finish a video but then deeply depressed when it debuts? Is it some kind of brain chemical thing?

Things I Can't Understand

I can't understand why even when I have good intentions to sleep the full 8 hours, my brain just refuses to let that happen. Honestly, you would think my brain, of all things, would understand why I need the sleep. But nope. It keeps me awake with paranoia.

I can't understand why people in my neighborhood are obsessed with noise. Not a day goes by (rain, shine, snow, storms, it doesn't matter) when all of them seem to be in a contest to see who can make the most noise. Bonus points if you start as early as possible. 

I can't understand why the cat insists on standing in front of my screen in the exact moment when I need to see my screen. The rest of the time, she's content to just lay in front of it. Give me a moment when I really need to see something and she's standing and moving around in ways that prevent me from accomplishing anything.

There are a lot of other things that baffle me as well, but those three are the tops for the morning.

Fallish

 It felt like Fall today. It was cool enough to only need one fan. The cat reclaimed her place on my shoulder. Things had the calm, delightful feel of Fall, a sensation I always associate with anticipation. 

Because things are weird and we're basically shut-in, I want to make the most out of Fall. I want to spend October watching horror movies, eating candy, and drive around looking at people's decorations. 

Of course, it will probably hot as fuck tomorrow and I'll be sour all over again. September is so fickle.  

Preview

 It's weird that movie trailers are almost a bigger deal than the movies now, but that seems to be a thing. I get it though. I still think one of the most beautiful and emotional moments of my adult life happened when I first saw the trailer to Fellowship of the Ring. Ahh, what a moment! 

Today it was the trailer for Dune. I'm SO excited about this. I love the Lynch movie, even if most people claim to hate it. I have spent a great deal of time thinking about Dune and will probably do so continuously for a while now. I'm so happy about this. YAY!

Also, the lawn has been mowed and this is also a very good thing.

Pros and Cons of Audiobooks

I'm listening to an audiobook. I've been getting them from the library. I like doing this, especially for books I've already read because it adds new insight into the book. For instance, the one I'm listening to now is giving everyone accents and that is just awesome. It really adds a lot.

On the con side, my Google Assist keeps coming on trying to get more to do stuff. That's just so annoying.  I thought I solved it by turning it off, but goddammit, no. Now it just flicks on to remind me I can use it if I want to. Ugggghhh. 

I guess this is just an example of First World Problems. 

September is Doing that Thing Again

 Uggh. September is being hot again. It's so annoying. It needs to stop and just start cooling down like a proper month.

I'm trying to get myself in a better mood. It isn't easy. I am trying though.

Anyway, I'm listening to an audiobook from the library for the next few days. Yay. 

Unrestful Saturday

 I didn't sleep well last night because it was too muggy. I couldn't sleep this afternoon because it was too muggy. The heat and sweltering weather are back to trying to destroy me. I know I shouldn't take this personally, but it's impacting my life. 

Ohhhh but then to just make it all the more delightful, I spent part of my evening having a hot flash! I mean just....wow. Yay. 

First Sept Friday 2020

 All the bills are paid (all the bills are paid) and the sky was blue (and the sky was blue). Apologies to the Mamas and the Papas. Anyway, my day was better than yesterday. Mostly because I refused to mess with anything that frustrates me. It helped me a lot.

I also made sure to do things that I know promote good brain chemicals. I held the cat and did some exercise. It helped. 

Meh Day

 I uploaded a video today. I updated my Sims. I did my usual stuff. It was muggy and awful. The muggy and awful put me in a bad mood. I can't seem to shake the bad mood.

Tomorrow we'll pay the rest of the household bills. I can't find a new desk to save my life. I really do need to move on from that goal. 

More Rain

 Yes, I talked about the rain yesterday, but it keeps happening and it would be nice if it stopped for a while. I think my access to the city is gone. I don't like feeling stranded. 

We had cake for my roommate's birthday. We also watched the start of a docudrama about MKUltra. It's something that has always teased at the back of my mind so I'm interested to see where it will go. 

I've been looking for a computer desk and absolutely cannot find one that suits my needs and budget. I think a new desk may be out of the question until the pandemic is over. Most people probably bought them to set up home offices and no one is making new ones. I think I'm just going to let the idea go.