When We Find Words

This is Aspect Arda week in ficland, meaning that people are exploring JRRT's characters from the perspective of the spectrum of Asexuality. I've very much enjoyed this, especially as the fics often tackle topics that even these days we have trouble discussing. 

Even in 2021, a lot of people view asexuality either as not real (you just say that because no one WANTS to have sex with you) or as people who are loners who wish nothing to do with anyone. That is hardly the case. Some asexuals do wish to be left completely alone, but others want more than that. 

One of the stories I read tackled the idea of being deeply in love with someone, without really wanting the sex part. The character knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life with this person, but also knew he had no sexual desire for that person or anyone. He felt a lot of panic and unworthiness over it. But once they talked about it, once they found the words to really discuss what they needed and wanted from each other, things got better. 

At this point in real life, it isn't that easy for a lot of people. There are many who would probably be very happy in a committed platonic relationship, but our culture has sold marriage as 'yeah you have sex in a marriage it's what the marriage commitment IS' for so long that it seems impossible to even approach it. A lot of people try the sex stuff for a while, but then it tapers off and they feel guilty about it. Guilty. For something they honestly didn't even want in the first place. That's not a good way to live. 

I'm glad we're broadening the conversation about sexuality. I know it frustrates a lot of people. Some people accuse those who have sexuality outside of the traditional bounds to be attention-seekers. That can be frustrating and it's honestly best to just end the discussion with anyone who tries that. They're not going to listen. 

But for the people who ARE willing to listen and discuss things, real progress can be made here. I think if we have the words to really say what we feel and if we can express and understand what we really want, it could make for stronger relationships. 

I think my mother's mother was asexual/aromantic. She would always get very nervous about the idea of love where her marriage was concerned and she flat out HATED the idea of sex. She was miserable in her marriage and miserable as a mother. It didn't suit her or bring her any happiness. The saddest part is that all she'd been told is that it SHOULD bring her happiness and so she tried really hard to make that happen. I would give anything if she could have been born in a time when she didn't have to force herself to endure all of that. 

How many marriages would have been so much better if person A would have said, "Yes, I'm going into this because I want to have sex and children" and person B was socially allowed to say, "Oh, see I don't want that. I don't want sex or any touching like that. How about let's look for other people?" and they would have accepted this from each other and moved on? How many marriages would be stronger now if the two people in them came to a mutual understanding that their marriage bond was about more than sex and their neither of them had to feel guilt or shame because they no longer felt the need to do that? How many lives would be less miserable and confused if we all had the words we need when we discuss what we want with our bodies and our hearts?