Jan 4

 I start the Mounjaro tonight.

I'm scared out of my mind.

I'm scared of side effects. I'm scared of failing. I'm scared that I won't be able to handle it. I'm scared it won't make a difference. I'm scared it will kill me. I'm scared it will cause me deep discomfort. I'm scared I'll lose myself. I'm scared I'll fail.

I know I said the fail one twice but that's legit what scares me more.

I've been fat all my life. 

It's like I was handled this puzzle box and told to solve it and I can't solve it and everyone else has solved it and mine keeps getting worse and worse and worse. 

I've tried so many things, I've given up so many things, I've worked hard and failed and suffered and tried.

And none of it has ever been enough. None of it has ever been something that worked. None of it has ever led to weight lose I could maintain. 

I am buried in my weight problem. I hate it. It affects me every day in so many ways. I have to adjust for so many things because of it.

And yet.....

And yet food has been the one consistent thing I had that gave me pleasure and comfort. It was reliable. 

And now I'm basically going to give that up. And it could fail.

I hate this.