Punishments

People have been really annoying me lately.  People in general, people in the media, people who think they should talk without using their brains or logic.  I try to tune them out, but most of the time, it's difficult to avoid them. My therapist always says I shouldn't dwell on my negative feelings, so instead, I'll fantasize about what punishments I would give them if I were god.

TO THOSE WHO PRESUME TO CRITICIZE THE LOOKS OF OTHERS, I HEREBY PUNISH WITH HORRIBLE PHOTOGRAPHS.

Yes, from now on, those who seek to talk smack about how other people look will see only the most ogrish and revolting images of themselves. No amount of photoshopping will alter their vacant expressions of inbredery and revoltingness.

If there are fingers seen in the picture, they will be filthy, or in your nose, or look like they are going into someone's butt.  Your hair will always look wonked and your eyes will show your inner ugliness and wickedness.  Your skin color will look sallow or reddish or just zombyish.

No matter how much you protest that you are attractive, there will be no photographic evidence of this whatsoever.

TO THOSE WHO SEEK TO SPEAK IN FRONT OF GROUPS OF OTHERS AND SAY HATEFUL AND IGNORANT THINGS, I HEREBY PUNISH WITH CONSTANT AND LOUD FLATULENCE.

That's right. Any time someone thinks it's a good idea to blame little girls for getting raped while speaking in a public forum or, I dunno, maybe suggesting that Asians shouldn't go into the library, whenever you are in public and making such stupid remarks, no one will hear you because you will just be farting very, very, very loudly.

The farts will not only be loud, they will smell horrible. The odor will linger around you as a constant reminder of your bullshitery. As you most often use your words to harm others, now shall what spouts from your own ass harm you.

TO THOSE WHO SEEK TO USE RELIGION AS A TOOL OF HATE, I PUNISH YOU WITH THE FRUSTRATION OF PATRONIZING KINDNESS.

No, no one will be violent to you. No, you will never be yelled at or have things thrown at you again. Instead, people will just look at you for the crazy you are. "Oh, don't pay him any attention. That's just nutty old Fred.  He gets his family together every weekend and they glitter up signs and go try and get people to pay attention to them. It's sad, really."

People won't bomb you. They won't shake their fists at you.  They won't stop you from doing what you feel you should do. But at the same time, they will never take you seriously.  They will never listen to you.  When they look at you they will only see someone who is a poor, crazy, pathetic mess who deserves only pity.

The great thing about this is that there would be a lot of people who got hit with all three.  They would look bad in photos, constantly fart, and never be taken seriously. All the time.

Ohhh, it would be so glorious. If, a bit smelly . . . .