Messages from Above

I did a post a while back about how it's a good thing that I'm not your deity.  In that post, I talked about plagues and it was fun! Very fun.

While I'm cooking up some new possible plagues for people, I wanted to talk about the signs and wonders I would send people.  

You hear people complain a lot about how they don't feel connected with their deity. Oh yes, and there are also the people who claim  to talk to their god all the time, but a lot of them have shifty eyes, so you gotta wonder. Anyway, were I the god in question, there would be no doubts. I'd talk to people all the time.  IN FACT, I'd make notes appear in front of their faces so the messages would be clear.

Examples:

Dear Billybob,

What, are you kidding? You are buying ANOTHER truck?  You own six. None of them work. And you're buying this one from the same guy who sold you the last two trucks, that two legged dog, and the old Atari game system he put a Playstation sticker on? NO! Just stop! There is no reason to do this. PUT THE KEYS DOWN.

Kissies,
Your Creatrix

Dear Heaven-Destiny,

DO NOT try out for American Idol. For one thing, it's not really the best way to get into the music industry.  Kinda lame, actually. Second of all, you can't sing.  You can dance pretty well and you make great fried pickles. Find a way to work with that.

Hugs forever,
Your Creatrix

Dear Scooter,

What's up with the dogs?  You have ten. They bark all night and keep your neighbors up.  How can you possibly see this as a good thing? Do you not grasp the ripples here?  Your neighbors can't sleep, they go to work groggy, they smart off to their boss's mother-in-law, they get fired. Pretty soon, they move out because they can't pay their mortgage and you're living in an abandoned area . . . with ten barking dogs. Wait, this might solve itself. Nevermind.

Sending some dog treats,
Your Creatrix

Enough of that, on to more plagues.

Aside from the disturbing plagues of badness, I would also have some good ones . . . just to spice things up.

 THE FORTH PLAGUE

Breath Mints from the Sky
When this plague happens, as the title suggests, breath mints fall from the heavens. I think as a nice godlike touch, it would be those strips that melt on your tongue. They would just waft down from the sky and land in your mouth when it was open.

Of course, this being a plague, even if they intentions were nice, the application would still be chaos. Some people would get the strips in their eyes. Some would have them sticking in their hair. They would land on cars and houses. I'm seeing flies really being into this. OH HEY! Plague of Flies for free! I didn't even have to do anything. Awesome.

THE FIFTH PLAGUE

Smiling
Yes, life is always better when people smile.  So in this plague, you see far more smiles than you're used to.  People smile at you no matter where you go. Wide, happy smiles.  Sometimes, they knock on your door and when you answer it, they just smile and walk away.

Again, while it has great intentions, this plague is deeply creepy, especially for anyone suffering from PTDS after the First Plague.  Look, we all know the truth of this. No matter now many times they tell us in elementary school that smiling is a wonderful thing, and no matter how much we may believe that, there is a fine line....a very VERY fine line.....that once crossed, smiling just becomes creepy and disturbing.

Face it, if you walked into a room and everyone was smiling . . . would you go in?

I think we all know the answer.

Anyway, I think I've given you enough to be grateful for here.  Sleep well. Happy smiles.