Best Things about 2015 Part Five

Hamilton. 

I came late to the game with this musical. I just found out about it a couple of weeks ago. It has, however, changed me. It is brilliant and important. It has made me think more about the Founding Fathers than I ever have. I never had opinions about Burr before. I have TONS of opinions about him now.

Hamilton has become my new Game of Thrones level obsession, only more so because it has music and it's finished. It has made me deeply in awe of Alexander Hamilton and what he accomplished. It's neat to think that at one point, this guy who helped to build this country was once a 14 yr old orphan on St. Croix who was doing whatever he could to get books.

I love this musical and I love Lin-Manuel Miranda, the man who created it. 2015 is the year it opened, the year I found it, and the year it blew up and took over the world.

The Best Things about 2015 Part Four

When I started 2015, I was pretty disappointed with myself. I was angry at my body. Honestly, I was angry at a lot of things, though mostly at my body for trying as hard as it could to kill me. After years of disassociating and doing my best to ignore it, I felt more at odds with my body than I ever had. Why would I like it? It was fat as it could possibly be. It was full of pain and cravings and failure. I hated it. I can't say I hated ME, because "ME" has always been the internal essence of me.

When I wasn't hating my body, I was apologizing for it. I was doing everything I could to tell people how sorry I was that I took up so much space, that I needed so much help, that I couldn't do the things other people did. I tried to compensate for my shortcomings, tried to do what I could to be the person people seemed to want or need even though there was no way I could really be that person. I hated the fact that I had to be this way and it made me hate the fat 'tries to kill me' machine even more.

Amazingly, this year, I made some peace with my body. I learned some things about it. I cracked some codes about how to handle it. More importantly, I find that I am less apt to apologize for it and there are valid reasons for that.

In therapy, we started working with a book over relationships. The basic idea of the book was that we should always speak in statements that cannot be argued. These statements are true. Example: "You're driving too fast" is an opinion. Someone could very easily argue that they are not driving too fast. "My body is tense and I feel a lot of fear when I am going at this speed" is a statement of fact. You are telling how your body feels. The other person can choose not to give a damn, but they can't argue with you.

Turns out, the key to finding ways to communicate like this lies in paying attention to what your body is actually doing. Are your shoulders tense? Are your feet hurting? The thing is, sometimes just paying more attention to your body allows you to relax it and alter your situation.

So I started paying more attention to what my body was actually feeling. I thought about my pain. I thought about the way I took up space. I thought about how I felt in certain outfits, how I felt when my head was against the pillow. It's been a slow process, but actually communicating with the body I'm in has helped me to let go of a lot of anger. It's also helped me to let go of a lot of shame.

Most importantly, it's helped me to accept that I don't have to overcompensate. I'm doing the best I can. If that isn't enough for someone, they are free to move on. If they don't think it's the best I can do, I really see no reason to change their opinion about it. They can either accept it or not. It really isn't my business. I realize this sounds a bit defensive. I really don't mean it that way. This is simply where I stand now. Accept me or move on. Enjoy me or find someone else to enjoy. Accept what I am offering as enough or find someone who offers you more.

All of this is slowly bringing me a kind of peace. I needed that. I'm still scared about what possible fresh hell 2016 could bring, but at least whatever it is, I'll be focused on fixing it for myself and not wasting my energy other people. It's not my job to make them happy or solve their problems. I'm just here for mine.

Best Things about 2015 Part Three

Last year, I lost my ability to ever have my own children. I didn't want my own children, but it's one thing to not want something and another thing to not even have the choice. Maybe in response to that, I've found that I've gotten closer to my best friend's kids.

Her daughter is one and I've gotten to be a part of these early parts of her life. It's been really neat to watch her growing from a helpless baby to a little person who can walk and make her wishes known. It's amazing to get to watch her laugh,  to see the way she looks at you when she wants to let you know she loves you, and to be hugged by her. I've taught her to clap and to wave. I love to watch her dance.

My best friend's son is ten and he's really his own person now. He and I spent a day destroying a whole Minecraft village and picking fights with game controlled players. We also have a running story about a hapless guy named Chad who blows up things and starts international problems. He and his best friends Jason and Biff are currently in Turkey . . . trying to find a turkey.

I had so much fun with these two kids. They really made a lot of great memories for me in 2015. I am thankful for them and what they bring to my life.

Best Things about 2015 Part Two

One of the reasons this year was neat had to do with reconnecting with two past book loves. Now mind you, I also had some disappointing reconnections like the MZB thing, but there were good ones too. I won't say the MZB doesn't stand out to me and I can't say that it didn't change some things about me, but I've talked enough about the negative aspects of the year.

Clive Barker put out a book to end his Hellraiser series. This was done after years of not touching the storyline, actually years after it being in other people's hands. He killed off his most iconic character and tore down the world. It was beautifully, if horrifically accomplished. I enjoyed every second of this book and will be reading it again and again in the years to come.

I also found a blog that dissects the works of V.C. Andrews. The reader has about the same opinion of her work as I do. The work is loved, in all of its problematic glory. I had hours of fun reading the blog. I really enjoy people's well-written commentary about writing. It's something I miss from college. The thing is, there are many works that will never (and should never) be taught or discussed in a college setting. When you find a guilty pleasure blog like this, it's like finding gold.

Both of these things brought a lot of happiness to my year. I'm very thankful for both of them. Oh, and interesting note, I found both of them because of articles about the authors. It's one of the reasons why I think it's always a good idea to read any articles you see about the authors you love.

Best Things about 2015 Part One

It's that time of year when I usually just freak out about the coming year. I've already been doing that some. I could focus on that or focus on the rain, but I've opted not to. Instead, I'm going to review the things about my year that made it wonderful. There certainly were some of those.

My roommate and I had an ongoing discussion about trying new food things. He found a new way to make popcorn that is awesome. We tried some new things for holiday meals and experimented with ways to fix certain proteins we were given. To me, this is never just about the food. It isn't even about the food being completely successful. It is the discovery of it, the trial and error, the experimental nature of the whole process that makes me happy.

He and I have also been discovering a lot of new bands and new music. After having been annoyed with new music for quite a few years, it's really neat to start finding stuff to enjoy again. Finding new music is always very much a revival for the soul.

We were more social than we usually are. We went to more places and spoke to more people. This is a pretty big step for people who were basically shut-ins for a while. It's never easy. I think sometimes the best thing someone with social anxiety can have is someone else with social anxiety. It helps when someone else understands why your energy is just GONE after a simple meeting.

These are some of the things that made this year full and unique. These are things I am grateful for. I'll add more tomorrow night.

Rain and Rain

It rained most of last night and almost all of today. We're expecting 10" for the weekend. This is a big deal. This is the kind of weather where they have places where you can get sand bags for your house and stuff. I live on a hill so it won't get to me (I assume), but most of the people in the lower parts of town are having to take precautions.

It's supposed to get cold, but the cold hasn't hit yet. This is one strange December.

There is less than a week left in the year. This is the point when I always start to get nervous. After the years of tax fright and cancer though, who would blame me? Nothing happened last year, but the PTSD is strong with this one.

Let's hope we don't drown.

Lovely Christmas Day

Christmas is over. All the gifts have been exchanged. All the events have happened. I am pretty exhausted. Today itself was lovely. It didn't start out lovely. We went to Walmart because we needed some stuff and found it to be closed. An empty Walmart parking lot is just kind of spooky.

The movie was good. There were some plotholes I kind of had to handwave, but beyond that, it felt more like the first movies than the last three. When we saw Into the Woods last year, the theater was completely packed. This one was full but nowhere near capacity. That made things easier. It was still kind of crowded when we were trying to get out.

After we left the movie, we went to my best friend's house for Christmas dinner. That was great. We had very good conversation and very good food. A lot of my holiday outings have been awkward, but this one wasn't. It was nice to be in a place where I was completely comfortable.

I'm ready to sleep now. I want to sleep and rest and just kind of mill around the house for a few days. I think at this point, we all need that.