When I started 2015, I was pretty disappointed with myself. I was angry at my body. Honestly, I was angry at a lot of things, though mostly at my body for trying as hard as it could to kill me. After years of disassociating and doing my best to ignore it, I felt more at odds with my body than I ever had. Why would I like it? It was fat as it could possibly be. It was full of pain and cravings and failure. I hated it. I can't say I hated ME, because "ME" has always been the internal essence of me.
When I wasn't hating my body, I was apologizing for it. I was doing everything I could to tell people how sorry I was that I took up so much space, that I needed so much help, that I couldn't do the things other people did. I tried to compensate for my shortcomings, tried to do what I could to be the person people seemed to want or need even though there was no way I could really be that person. I hated the fact that I had to be this way and it made me hate the fat 'tries to kill me' machine even more.
Amazingly, this year, I made some peace with my body. I learned some things about it. I cracked some codes about how to handle it. More importantly, I find that I am less apt to apologize for it and there are valid reasons for that.
In therapy, we started working with a book over relationships. The basic idea of the book was that we should always speak in statements that cannot be argued. These statements are true. Example: "You're driving too fast" is an opinion. Someone could very easily argue that they are not driving too fast. "My body is tense and I feel a lot of fear when I am going at this speed" is a statement of fact. You are telling how your body feels. The other person can choose not to give a damn, but they can't argue with you.
Turns out, the key to finding ways to communicate like this lies in paying attention to what your body is actually doing. Are your shoulders tense? Are your feet hurting? The thing is, sometimes just paying more attention to your body allows you to relax it and alter your situation.
So I started paying more attention to what my body was actually feeling. I thought about my pain. I thought about the way I took up space. I thought about how I felt in certain outfits, how I felt when my head was against the pillow. It's been a slow process, but actually communicating with the body I'm in has helped me to let go of a lot of anger. It's also helped me to let go of a lot of shame.
Most importantly, it's helped me to accept that I don't have to overcompensate. I'm doing the best I can. If that isn't enough for someone, they are free to move on. If they don't think it's the best I can do, I really see no reason to change their opinion about it. They can either accept it or not. It really isn't my business. I realize this sounds a bit defensive. I really don't mean it that way. This is simply where I stand now. Accept me or move on. Enjoy me or find someone else to enjoy. Accept what I am offering as enough or find someone who offers you more.
All of this is slowly bringing me a kind of peace. I needed that. I'm still scared about what possible fresh hell 2016 could bring, but at least whatever it is, I'll be focused on fixing it for myself and not wasting my energy other people. It's not my job to make them happy or solve their problems. I'm just here for mine.
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