The Ten Year Struggle

A while back, I posted about the decade. I was in a bad headspace about it, I think. I mean, let's face it. I've been in a bad headspace for a while.  My feelings of failure and lack of worth have been pretty intense.  This is depression and bad brain chemistry and just me forgetting some fundamental stuff.

Over the weekend, two Youtubers I started following this last year posted videos about struggles people have faced in the last decade. One was about a ten-year odyssey to get her novel published. This ended in triumph, although she points out that getting the book published does not mean it will do well, so that's still ongoing.

The other story was an interview with a woman who has been trying to recreate a famous dress. She's been working on this for years and facing various struggles with it. She admitted she's almost given up several times, but couldn't because this is the great passion of her life. The woman interviewing her reminded her that the setbacks with the dress were also learning experiences that led her to other things. It's a journey, and for these two women, who are both dress historians, the journey IS the most important part.

The video ended with footage of this woman watching this dress in the museum. Her awe in the craftsmanship was so clear, so beautiful. It was truly inspiring.

I'm trying to work on a hat for my dad. He requested it.  As I was messing with it last night, I ruthfully thought about my Process when it comes to making things. It's usually some variation of the following.

Start project.
Work for three hours.
Unravel everything and start over.
Work for three hours.
Unravel everything and change tool size.
Work for three hours and go to bed.
Wake up, unravel everything and change technique.
Work for three hours.
Unravel everything and change yarn.
Work for three hours.
Hate all of it but push forward.
Get halfway finished.
Unravel everything and start over.
Almost finish it.
Decide I hate it and put it aside.

So the process frustrates me. The stop/start. The redos. The indecision. You know, part of that is just me being a creative who struggles with her products. But more importantly, I think the biggest issue is that I stop being in the moment about everything. I stop remembering that THE PROCESS is what I'm doing. I stop enjoying the process because I focus too much on the outcome. That isn't the point of a hobby.

So I think my goal for the next decade is to embrace the processes of my life. Whatever is going on, I want to just find contentment in the fact that they are MY experiences and part of my story, even if they are frustrating me at the moment. I want to spend more time being in awe of things. I want to spend more time enjoying the people in my life. And I do want to make progress, but I want to keep in mind that even if you don't achieve the end of a goal, that doesn't negate the progress you did make.